Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
Beautiful LiarSo, a bit ago I wrote this entry into an journal. At the time I didn't want to post it, in case the subject of this entry was reading my every move... but, I feel safe now to share... My words still ring true...
Nothing changes. People don’t change- they stay the same, just don different clothes and recite the same old tired lines with a new person. People lie. The simple fact of the matter is, you can’t change who you are- the essence of you. You can mask it, hide it, play pretend, but in the end you is you. The longer you try to hide who you really are, the worse off everyone is in the end: you and the person you’ve lied to for so long. The person who has invested so much of themselves, defined themselves, by your lies. The person who trusted, accepted, loved, appreciated and devoted so much time and energy to you. And when you fail them, they fall. Their world collapses and suddenly everything is upside down, inside out and no one can tell right from wrong. Moving forward becomes an uphill battle and the choices become clearer the more you climb… Either they will accept the “truth” (whatever that is) or they cut ties.
This is why you are alone. This is why you always will be alone. This is the fucking truth.
When someone tells you who they are- believe them. This might be the only time it’s not a lie.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Since You've Been GoneI was thinking about you today.
Not sure what brought it on, maybe the fact that it snowed or that I am thinking about Christmas. Who knows. But either way, I thought about you.
I thought about our first date. I thought about the first time you introduced me to one of your parent’s friend’s we ran into at a movie. You called me your “date” and for some reason it made me feel so adult. I remember our first kiss, the night you roped me into coaching the fraternity’s part in the college talent show, the night you locked me out and I was riding a bike through the halls of the fraternity. I remember the first night I knew you liked me, I remember you calling me repeatedly, I remember watching intramurals and cheering for you, I remember dinners at Chilis…
I remember coming home that afternoon, not knowing why there were so many messages on my white board outside of my dorm room. I remember wondering why my answering machine was full of messages.
I remember knowing you were dead before my best friend could tell me the truth.
I remember that devastation. Sinking to my knees, gasping for breath. Wondering how I had known the truth before it even came out. I remember the last time we saw each other and remember feeling probably as low as I have ever felt after you died. I remember how Amazing Grace made me sob that night- I remember the way your mom looked at your funeral- I remember the way your brother cried at your memorial.
I remember not understanding- I still don’t. I remember the anger- I’m still angry with you. I can never forgive the way you left us all here- the way you chose to leave us, without us knowing how much hurt you were going through.
As I type this post, even though it’s been almost 8 years, I remember you and my eyes get misty. You’ve forever affected me- even after all this time you’ve been gone.
Labels: the Ex files
Sunday, November 23, 2008
EddieI remember the first time I saw you- you tossed all of the other puppies aside just to get to us. We knew we had to have you that moment. The next few months were filled with you tearing up everything you could get your paws on- eating everything in sight, be it my shoes or your actual food. You were, and still are, terrified of baby gates. You sat in the car, us going back and forth to keep you company, when J left for Iraq. You slept next to me for years- my eternal electrical blanket. Your eyes were always sad, even when I know you’re happier than ever. You’re a kissing whore. You love fires and love the winter. You dig in the snow, break the ice, and burrow your way into a mountain of cold. You love basking in the sun. You are one of my most favorite “people” in the world.
And now I have to say goodbye to you.
I don’t know what life will be life without you there. I can’t think about it. I’m sorry I don’t know if I can be there, in the room, at the vet during your last moments. I love you so much, I can’t bear to see you go. It’s selfish. I can’t help it. I hope you know how much I love you- I always will. J will be there with you- to say goodbyes and kiss you after you’re gone.
I didn’t anticipate the overwhelming sadness I feel. It’s like losing a person- a best friend. You’ve been there for me for so long, even been there when J wasn’t. I take back every hateful word I yelled at you. I take back every time I got annoyed with your barking. I take it all back. I wish we’d done more. I wish I’d walked you every night. I wish I’d taken you to the park more. I wish I’d given you all the food you wanted- made you fat and content- instead of always worrying about your health. I wish you still slept next to me, protecting me from intruders in the night.
As I sit here, tears streaming down my face as I write this, I watch you lay beside the fire. You’re happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
I love you. Always.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Heels over HeadI’m such a lyrics whore. Driving to work today, listening to Boys Like Girls and suddenly I’m taking the long way, because I’m writing this blog in my head and I’m thinking about someone I knew in what seems like a lifetime ago…
“Yeah I'm the first to fall and the last to know
Where'd you go?”
I don’t know why I cared so much about you… I think I was addicted to the way you made me feel- addicted to laughing until my stomach hurt, addicted to the attention- addicted to the drama. You pulled me in until I got too close and then I, suddenly, this “thing” we’d been building was destroyed just like that. I was standing in the ashes of what I had thought was something great and you had moved on. Everything happened so fast and I didn’t know what I had done. You didn’t tell me- you said I didn’t do anything. I spent months trying to figure it out- figure out what was so wrong with me that would have made you change your mind so quickly.
“Where’d you go?”
You emailed me a few days ago, which was random since we haven’t talked since the wedding where we made small talk and felt awkward. I got over my hurt feelings and my anger a long time ago, but it still stings when I think back to how I felt that year. I hate that it turned into such a fiasco. I hate that I let it all go with you, put the blame on other people and maintained our “friendship” because I didn’t want things to be “weird” for you. I hate that I didn’t think about how awful that choice made things for me.
“Now I'm heels over head
I'm hangin' upside down
Thinking how you left me for dead
My whole life I’ve generally jumped into my relationships and gave 100% from the beginning. I fall and I fall hard. Which is probably why I always end up with the bruises. It’s fairly easy to get in and out of relationships when you don’t care- I’ve done that, too. But overwhelmingly I care too much. Too much, too soon, I’m always “too” something… I spend my life being just a little over the top. I cry too easily, talk too loud, share too much, forget too easily, forgive too much- too too too- this list could continue forever. I’ve always found it hard to be selfish in a relationship, sometimes forgetting that I need to please ME and not just the other person. I just always want other people to be happy- that goes for all of my relationships- my family, my friends, J- pretty much everyone in my life. I’ve only just realized in the past few years that when you give all of yourself, without regard to what your needs may be, you end up emotionally empty.
Gotta love music… :)
Monday, October 27, 2008
I'm YoursWell, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
Scooch on over closer, dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more,
no more it cannot wait
Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you will find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't,
there's no need to complicate,
Cause our time is short
This, this, this is our fate,
In love with this song.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Why do I do it?“Why do you do it, if you hate it so much?”
This was the question posed by J during my recent, not so unpredictable freak out over an organization I run.
“Because I CARE.” I say fiercefully and am reminded of how many times those exact words have been uttered to me…
Years ago… High School Rome(eo) asked me why I stayed in an after school activity (in an effort not to offend others, even though everyone I went to high school with knows exactly what I am talking about) when it continued to make me miserable.
“ Because I have to… I made a commitment. I have to. I can’t quit.” I would say, tears running down my face, sobbing into the wee hours. I cried into Rome(eo), letting him soothe me as only he could do, accepting my decision, as he always did…
Years later the Ex asked me why I didn’t change my major to something more substantial. I did. For a semester. For him, I changed it all- changed everything about me from my appearance (no curly hair) to my major- no more theatre (despite the major freaking scholarship that brought me to my school in the first place). I left the classroom, in the middle of class, sobbing in the first week of school. I called my family first, then the head of the department I had left. I told me to get in to see him NOW. I went in and cried. And cried. (it’s what I do). I cried for what seemed like an hour until finally Dr. Amazing asked me what I wanted. I said I didn’t know… I wanted what was best for us… not what was best for me. He pointed that out. He made me see that I needed to do what I wanted… and I did. And even though I knew I was a disappointment every day we were together, I was happy, knowing I had made the choice for me.
Every choice J has helped me make has been just that- a help. He offers advice and always lets me know that choice. Is. Mine. I think he knows I need to make it. Me. Not anyone else and, whatever I decide, can’t be a disappointment.
My whole life I have feared disappointing others more than anything else. I would/ will never do anything willingly that disappoint my family. I have always desperately tried to please my partner. Rome(eo) was everything I had dreamed of. He was my best friend, an athlete and the guy that all of the girls loved. I would have done whatever he wanted. I adored every moment we shared. He continues to be a friend to this day. He came to my wedding… we’re that kind of people.
I next tried desperately to avoid being a disappointment to the Ex. I was me. Outlandish and entertaining. I loved it. I was myself all of the time- laughing our way through the relationship… until it wasn’t okay anymore… Suddenly, I was a disappointment… I was embarrassing when I made outrageous comments, jokes… when the laughter turned to me, rather than him. I wanted to change… I wanted him. I was so caught up in love that I would have sacrificed whatever part of me I needed to. My family had already gone by the waste side- a fact that brings tears to my eyes to admit… I know it never would have worked. When you have a back ground like mine- a brother who will need me forever- I need someone who loves them as much as I do. Who is as passionate about loving them as I am… He wasn’t. Plus… I wasn’t me anymore.
So, after marrying a man who puts up with all my craziness (and believe me- there is a TON of it) I find myself asking again why do I do things that drive me crazy…
Because, there are things that people do… Because we care. Because we want to as a person. And even when they suck- when it blows to be the person caring SO much about others… it’s hard. It’s hard not to get bitter. It’s hard not to want to walk away, because, you can. But now… so many years later, people question why I am doing something… and I have an answer: Because I care. Because I have to. Because other people… people who don’t know me and don’t weigh on my emotions… need me and I need them back.