Saturday, July 24, 2004

Oh the fear I've known- that I will reap the praise of strangers, yet end up on my own.

am i difficult to be in a relationship with?  i realize more and more every day that i am hard to please.  i hate that about myself.  i overreact, i get shitty when i don't get my way, i basically can go from fun to bitch in a few seconds, and yet i expect people to be okay with that.  my biggest fear is that i will push josh away just like i do everyone to protect myself from getting hurt.  and then in the end start the cycle over again.  hence the title of my journal entry.  what the fuck is wrong with me that i choose the push people i love away?  i am trying to watch it, but even just this little incident i just had with joshua, if i didn't just start writing in here i would have flown off the handle and we would have had the biggest fight ever.  i don't know why i am so hot headed.  i just get mad and then right away want to lash out.  i get mean and i hate that.  i wish i could change, but i wonder is it so engrained in me that it is just a part of my personality now i don't know if i can change that?  i hope not.  otherwise i would be impossible to be with.

i have been feeling a little down lately.  not sure what it is.  i am PMSing so that could be part of it.  i feel like iam gaining weight and i dont know if i am or not.  i dont think so.  but then i look in the mirror and i find myself liking what i see less and less.  i know i am restricting my food again, and even though i try not to stop i find myself falling back into the old thoughts.  all i think about is food.  all day.  from the moment i wake up in the morning, until the moment i finally fall asleep.  it's sick.  i think about what i am going to "allow" myself to eat today and what I am not.  i feel like if i restrict all day and then eat normally at night i am being healthy around josh and all, but i am also not eating like a cow.  i need to go to someone.  i know i do.  but i dont even really have insurance anymore and won't i think through work for a little while, so i guess i just have to deal with it on my own for now.  i think the reason i have been so down is because i really feel like there is no one who can understand.  and no one who knows what i am going through.  i know it's not true, but still.  it's not like i have anyone around who can understand how i feel because it is so fucked up and i know that.  saying "you're not fat" doesn't work.  saying "just eat" doesn't take the image that i am fat and disgusting out of my head.  it's fucked up.  and it's not like when i talked to Carrie it was anything major.  we sat and talked and i just got my feelings out there.  i guess i can do that with people in my life, but it's different.  they are involved with me.  it's not as if i can talk to my grandma because then she would spend all of her days and nights worrying about me.  and it's not as if i can talk to josh really because then that gets into my fear of pushing him away and him thinking i have all this shit to work out etc.  and i have a lot of friends, but i don't have a lot of good friends.  and the ones i do are far away.  and most of them i dont want to waste the time we have to talk with chatter about my stupid ED.  Thats why therapy is great.  you get to talk to someone who's only job is to sit and be there for you.  they don't judge you.  they don't leave you if they don't like what you say or what you look like.  they are realiable and you can always trust them.

i need to get out of this funk.

She is the girl
That everybody knows.
Whenever she’s hurting
It never really shows.
She walks with confidence,
A picture of grace.
She never lets anyone see
Tears running down her face.
But I know the truth.
Through her mask I can see
All the pain deep inside
Is only shown to me.
I wish I make
Her sadness disappear.
I wish I could take beauty
To replace all the fear.
She’s killing herself,
And we all watch her go.
She’s dwindling away
And only I know.
If she can just make
Herself become so small
Then maybe someday
She just won’t be here at all.
All the pain that she’s caused
Will all go away.
In the world so black and white
She won’t be caught in this grey.
I wish I could tell her
That she is beautiful too.
But no matter how much I say the words
She won’t believe that it’s true.
She’s so much unhappier
Than she may appear.
If she keeps going this way
She’ll be dead in a year.
Her body’s rebelling,
A familiar routine.
So many changes outside
But more gone unseen.
Each day that she struggles
She knows how it will end.
I try to be there,
Try to be a good friend.
I reach out to her,
To pull her a bit nearer.
But my tear stained hand returns to me
When it hits my mirror.
posted by Kellie @ 2:04 PM |


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