Friday, October 29, 2004

I will wait for no one but you

So tonight was a fun night. J and i went over to Beth and Michael's for safe trick or treating on post. We missed most of the actual trick or treaters but it was still good fun. Beth just found out today she is pregnant, so that is crazy. I told her that it would give her something to do while I am gone. She laughed. She is not sure about this whole baby thing, but Michael is so excited it's hard for her to figure out how she really feels. So we shall see. She will be a great mom so I am not too concerned. She is just scared of the whole being pregnant and actually having a baby.... understandable... weird.
So I lost it about Josh's deployment for the first time to Jennifer and Kathy yesterday. It felt good to finally talk about it openly and how sad I am about it in reality. Man. It's going to suck. And I feel frustrated because right now work sucks so much for him and things are stressful and I know his head is at work even when he home. Which means he is going to be frustrated when he thinks about work etc... and then I feel crappy because I wish I could cheer him up, but when you are trapped in a company as assed up as his is, it's difficult to think of anything to say that could possible make it better.
And I am so sad about him leaving and it breaks my heart to think about it. But the last thing he needs is to be worried about how I am dealing with things while he is there. So all I am doing right now is putting on this strong face and letting my tears come at little stuff, not what I am actually upset about. So it turns into my crying about dumbass stuff, like feeling fat, rather than thinking that soon we are going to seperated by this distance that feels like a brick wall. and I dont know how I am going to be able to talk to him or get ahold of him, or if and when I will be able to... and what is something happens... I cant even begin to think about that... but this is the life of the army and I just have to accept that it comes with the package. and dont get my wrong, I have never once doubted that being with this amazing person, whom I love with my entire being, was even somehow not worth it. Because it is. I am lucky that I have been able to find someone that i can have such an awesome relationship with. it just makes me sad to think about him being gone in such a dangerous place.
and i realized yesterday as Kathy and Jen were handing my Kleenexes and talking about their husband's deployment that I cant keep holding this all in. I have to get it out somehow... and maybe that just means talking about it here rather than to anyone... I feel a little alone because my friends here are just not people I want to sit around and cry to... Beth is about the only one I would feel comfortable talking openly with about all this, but at the same time she has so much crap going on with her and MIchael and I hate to unload my emotional baggage on anyone.
and everyone has told me that josh does not need to hear all this because he has too much on his mind as it is, so I am desperately trying to keep from unloading on him...
well thats all for now... more later...
posted by Kellie @ 10:46 PM |


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