Saturday, July 31, 2004
I'm so tired of being alone...Hi all. And by the title of this entry I know it sounds like I am talking about relationships, but I am definitely not at all. I'm talking about friends. Man. Sometimes it bums me out that I really have no friends here in NC. I mean, damn. Part of me always thought I would love having all this time to myself and to chill and do whatever- watch tv, read, write, etc. But now it all just feels sort of boring. I mean, obviously I love spending time with Josh. Duh. But there are times like now when he sort of wants to chill around the apartment (and I don't blame him, he's been super busy as of lately and he is not feeling well) but I sure wish I had my girls here that I could call up and we could hang out. Or someone could come over. Or *gulp* even go to the Muncie Mall... lol
Anyways, so I am just sort of bored and wish I had my friends here. Glad I have my Josh, but sometimes a girl needs her crew!
anyways, so just a shout out to all the people I love and miss.
"I live for the nights I can't remember with the friends I'll never forget."
Thursday, July 29, 2004
"You know, where you turn a radio off cause some song reminds you of him... and it pisses you off cause it was your favorite song... not his."Just a quote from Nat that I could relate to. I hate those moments when you think of someone who you don't particularly want to think about. Of course hers is because she is still in love and mine is because my ex hates me! lol.
Anyways! So today was a good day. Short day of work, but was good. Now I am tired and have the whole night to myself because Josh has to work late. Man, what am I gonna do? it's weird to have time home without him! lol.
He bought me flowers yesterday which was awesome. He also was real sweet and said things that gave me those dumb girl butterflies.
I love butterflies.
Sometimes I just like to reflect on the simple fact that life is good.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
No, no, no Jay Z... the question is... can YOU bounce with ME?So today has been a great day so far! I woke up in a wonderful mood. Not sure exactly why, but still it was a welcome change! :) Last night was fun. Josh and I went out to dinner and had crab. mmmm. good stuff. I drank a few cosmos and it was fun! We had a great night! Then today we went to IHOP for some Paradise Pancakes, which I have been CRAVING because of the commercials. They were good. I feel better having tried them. lol. And now I have had them and I don't need them again. lol. JOsh bought me a pair of running shoes and then we went to Barnes and Noble bought a ton of books. We are starting to work out and read more, rather than sit in front of television and waste our evenings. So that is good. :)
anyways, now I need to put laundry away now. I am making sushi tonight! :) That should be good!
it's a beautiful day! :)
also, today I looked in the mirror and again liked what I see. THat's a nice feeling. I think perhaps venting in here yesterday helped. thats good! :)
Saturday, July 24, 2004
Oh the fear I've known- that I will reap the praise of strangers, yet end up on my own.
am i difficult to be in a relationship with? i realize more and more every day that i am hard to please. i hate that about myself. i overreact, i get shitty when i don't get my way, i basically can go from fun to bitch in a few seconds, and yet i expect people to be okay with that. my biggest fear is that i will push josh away just like i do everyone to protect myself from getting hurt. and then in the end start the cycle over again. hence the title of my journal entry. what the fuck is wrong with me that i choose the push people i love away? i am trying to watch it, but even just this little incident i just had with joshua, if i didn't just start writing in here i would have flown off the handle and we would have had the biggest fight ever. i don't know why i am so hot headed. i just get mad and then right away want to lash out. i get mean and i hate that. i wish i could change, but i wonder is it so engrained in me that it is just a part of my personality now i don't know if i can change that? i hope not. otherwise i would be impossible to be with.
i have been feeling a little down lately. not sure what it is. i am PMSing so that could be part of it. i feel like iam gaining weight and i dont know if i am or not. i dont think so. but then i look in the mirror and i find myself liking what i see less and less. i know i am restricting my food again, and even though i try not to stop i find myself falling back into the old thoughts. all i think about is food. all day. from the moment i wake up in the morning, until the moment i finally fall asleep. it's sick. i think about what i am going to "allow" myself to eat today and what I am not. i feel like if i restrict all day and then eat normally at night i am being healthy around josh and all, but i am also not eating like a cow. i need to go to someone. i know i do. but i dont even really have insurance anymore and won't i think through work for a little while, so i guess i just have to deal with it on my own for now. i think the reason i have been so down is because i really feel like there is no one who can understand. and no one who knows what i am going through. i know it's not true, but still. it's not like i have anyone around who can understand how i feel because it is so fucked up and i know that. saying "you're not fat" doesn't work. saying "just eat" doesn't take the image that i am fat and disgusting out of my head. it's fucked up. and it's not like when i talked to Carrie it was anything major. we sat and talked and i just got my feelings out there. i guess i can do that with people in my life, but it's different. they are involved with me. it's not as if i can talk to my grandma because then she would spend all of her days and nights worrying about me. and it's not as if i can talk to josh really because then that gets into my fear of pushing him away and him thinking i have all this shit to work out etc. and i have a lot of friends, but i don't have a lot of good friends. and the ones i do are far away. and most of them i dont want to waste the time we have to talk with chatter about my stupid ED. Thats why therapy is great. you get to talk to someone who's only job is to sit and be there for you. they don't judge you. they don't leave you if they don't like what you say or what you look like. they are realiable and you can always trust them.
i need to get out of this funk.
She is the girl
That everybody knows.
Whenever she’s hurting
It never really shows.
She walks with confidence,
A picture of grace.
She never lets anyone see
Tears running down her face.
But I know the truth.
Through her mask I can see
All the pain deep inside
Is only shown to me.
I wish I make
Her sadness disappear.
I wish I could take beauty
To replace all the fear.
She’s killing herself,
And we all watch her go.
She’s dwindling away
And only I know.
If she can just make
Herself become so small
Then maybe someday
She just won’t be here at all.
All the pain that she’s caused
Will all go away.
In the world so black and white
She won’t be caught in this grey.
I wish I could tell her
That she is beautiful too.
But no matter how much I say the words
She won’t believe that it’s true.
She’s so much unhappier
Than she may appear.
If she keeps going this way
She’ll be dead in a year.
Her body’s rebelling,
A familiar routine.
So many changes outside
But more gone unseen.
Each day that she struggles
She knows how it will end.
I try to be there,
Try to be a good friend.
I reach out to her,
To pull her a bit nearer.
But my tear stained hand returns to me
When it hits my mirror.
Sunday, July 18, 2004
I'm watching the sun stumble home in the morning from a bar on the east side of townThis was a good weekend. Josh and I went to the zoo yesterday and spent the whole day there walking around and seeing all the animals. God, I love the zoo. It was a lot of fun. We walked SOOO much and that sort of kicked my ass. My legs are tight today, but that could be because I drank entirely too much wine last night. lol. But thats ok it was fun. I certainly don't want any dry white wine for awhile now though!
Nothing too exciting. Josh and I were lazy this morning. My blood sugar was all kinds of effed up this morning so that was how Josh got the wake up- to me shaking becaise my blood sugar had dropped. Gotta love the blood sugar disease! :) But it is better now. I am going to go eat something soon and that will help a lot.
Blayne's grandma died. I feel bad for him and for his family but at the same time I don't know that I want to open up any lines of communication. Actually I know I don't. We are not friends and I doubt we ever can be. He has flat out said that as long as I am with Josh he will not be my friend. And frankly, I don't see that changing any time soon, so... thus is life I suppose.
Josh and I are getting ready to plan our vacation. I am super excited. It should be an awesome time! And I can't wait! We are now deciding on a cruise or a trip to Seattle, because I have never been. I told him yesterday that I wanted to go to New Zealand for our honeymoon and he agreed. lol. Likely. And I suppose we should be engaged first too, eh? Details details.
it's weird because a part of me thinks that if we were engaged while he was in Iraq I would feel better about him being there. how weird is that? Of course I don't tell him this because we all know that nothing freaks a fella out more than the old talk of marriage. lol. In actuality Josh is super comfortable talking about future stuff. But there is a part of me that still feels weird initiating any kind of serious talk about us. I know it's dumb, but I just have it engraved in my mind that the best way to ruin a relationship is to talk about the future. And the best way to push a guy away is talk about serious stuff like marriage etc. I need to get over it, but I don't know how soon that's going to happen. I guess the biggest thing about us getting engaged is that it's more of a comittment. And with him being gone, I know that there will be times when I am worried and concerned that maybe his feelings are wavering, even though I am sure that they won't. Sometimes I hate being so thoughtful. Grrrr. But I can say with almost 100% that the artist formerly known as kellbobo will have a naked left right finger as she bids her love adios to Iraq. And that's okay. I just don't think that Josh probably really thinks about asking me before he leaves. Which is understandable since he has a lot on his mind with deploying and all. And it's not as if I bring it up. lol. Just something I think about sometimes.
Well, I do believe I should go feed myself. More later folks!
Friday, July 16, 2004
I don't go to sleep to dream...Whew! What a long day I have had! Woke up late being Joshua forget to reset the alarm (worthless boy) :) And so I had to rush rush RUSH to get to work on time. Lucky for me I had showered late last night and so I was not in desperate need of another one this morning. Anyways, so then I got to work and began my day of the terrible twos... lol. Actually today was not heinous and I am glad to have the weekend now.
Maybe my voice will come back and I will stop sounding like such a man. I know. I'm a sexy bitch... :)
So tonight is Josh and I's go out to eat night! Woo-Hoo. I am excited. I dont know where we will go, but I am sure it will be good stuff. I wish I had my old appetite back. I guess it's good that I don't, but it's just ridiculous how little I eat and feel full. I guess when you stop eating that tends to happen. ha ha ha. Okay, stop hating me all of my friends who hate my eating disorder jokes. :) I will have all of you know that since moving down here I have been, like 3,000 times better. :) Worry not world. I think I have gained weight, but since Josh threw away the scale before I moved in, I have no idea. I weighted myself when I was home for the 4th and I weighed 122 lbs. Pretty sure that has gone back up to being almost 130lbs. Not that I am complaining, just saying. I do wish I could stay in the low 120s or even in the upper teens, but I dont think that will happen. And I guess being 5'6 thats ok. But still sigh. I wish Paris Hilton did not taunt me so! :) lol.
Anyways, so we will probably also play RISK tonight and I will probably lose. Like I do. Every time we play. grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
We're going to the zoo tomorrow. I can't wait! That is one thing that I miss about DC. Going to the zoo and sitting in the gorilla house. Man. It sounds dumb, but I loved those apes. I would get so annoyed by the people who would come in and bang on the glass and be obnoxious. It was just such a cool place to sit and watch them interract with each other and then eventually with you. They are just such cool animals. But my last trip there was less than pleasant. Most of them were sick, and the rest who were still out, just layed there and barely looked at me. It made me sad. Oh well!
Well, that's all I got for now!
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Don't know how you do the voodoo that you do so well...So I just have to leave a post up about my awesome boyfriend. I love that when I pick fights with him, he refuses to play my game and in the end there is no fight, just me looking like a fool... :) lol.
I just was thinking about how much I loooooooooooooooove him. :)
I also think I might be in trouble, so maybe this will help :)
I WUV YOU JOYSWA! :)
I don't know what's wrong with these kid today...Holy God. So I just got home from work and I am exhausted! Man. I had 14 in my class today and even with another teacher they kicked my ass. Running around all day long is truly tiring me out. And part of me would like to say that is is worth it, but that could be a lie! lol. In actuality when the kids are being normal and not hitting/kicking/biting/screaming/running/pouting/scratching and just in general being asses I enjoy my job. lol.
But it does make me think this on a daily basis...
I need to go back to school for Psychology. :)
Anyways, so now I am home and we are trying to make sense of the mess that is our fish tank. We used to have cool fish, but then we found out that they were super aggressive so we got rid of them and got "community fish" for the aquarium. Guess what sucks? Community Fish. All they do is school. At least with our other ones they were feisty. :)
Well I should be a good little woman and go help my man with the tank. Or at least lay on the couch and pretend to help. :)
I'll be watching you...So let's make this quick... I watching Big Brother last night. Even got Josh to watch it with me, which was quite a feat in itself...
But anyways, first of all, i SO want to be on that show. I really feel like I would rule! And I think I could win. Second, I hate the boys. Sure, they might be hotties, but damn, they suck. THey are so full of themselves! it annoyed me.
And secondly, alli and donnie got voted off the Amazing Race. I won't lie. I was sad to see my girl go...
thus is the life of Kellie: Reality Show Addict...
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Friends are friends foreverDoes anyone else remember that song? I know I do. They used to play on the last night of camp when i was a kid and everyone would cry. It just sort of popped into my head...
Of course it makes sense why. I certainly have been missing my friends a hell of a lot lately. I don't necessarily miss being in college, but i miss the atmosphere and the freedom that I felt back then. Now everything is about money and bills and when we have to be where. I miss the days of just drifting, not sure where we would end up, but happy to be traveling together. I guess in a way I am still drifting.
I mean, here I am, living in North Carolina, with my amazing boyfriend, working at a job that is not exactly overflowing my creative soul and having no idea what the next year will bring. I know another move back home, while J is in the lovely warm and sandy beaches of Iraq, but other than that... no clue!
And now suddenly, that same part of me who cherished having no plans and no "for sures" is drowning in this see of uncertainty. I find myself craving stability. Craving consistency. And yet, still wishing I could be around others who bring out my spontaneous nature that I have always embraced and cherished. I find it so hard to wrap my brain around that we (my friends) are each of us in our own little world, completely removed from one another. And we are all living these adult lives. Everyone is working and making money to pay their bills. We are all trying to survive in this world and the thing that feeds our souls the most is each other. And sometimes isn't the soul more important than our water or electric bill? I guess a soul running on empty doesn't seems as bad as a sweltering apartment in mid July!
And things here in NC are great. I love Josh more than I can express on here, but even still, I miss my friends and their companionship that they provide me. I am thankful that I have someone in my life that is more than just a lover, but is always a friend and that makes all the difference. He cheers me to no end, and I am sure I don't tell him enough.
The ones I love are always on my mind and I think of them often. My family I miss so much I can't even express it. And my friends who have filled me with such wonderful memories, I have to archive them and recall them whenever times are rougher than I'd like. And of course Joshua. These are the things that make me smile.
These are the things warm my soul...
If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I could walk forever in my garden.
sorry you are who you areI'm sorry I can see you for who you truly are. I see your truth and your soul. And I don't like it.
I don't know how I ever did.
It frightens me that I can be such a horrible judge of character. That I could have allowed someone to blind me with the words, with their "love" and with their lies. Love cannot exist in such a dry and remote desert that is his heart. love cannot touch him because he shuts it out.
Only when love is gone completely does he show any emotion. Any feeling. Any sign of life on that foreign planet that is him.