Friday, May 06, 2005

I Said... I Meant...

I said "Okay... good night." even added a cute smiley face.
I meant "Please don't stop talking to me."

and now I sit here in my living room with a glass of wine hoping it will make me pass out because I feel like I've just been run over by a bus.
Why don't I say what I mean? Why? Because I don't want to be needy. I want to be needed but not needy. I want to be loved but not dependent. I want to be talking to fiance and not sitting here watching my tears mix with cheap chardonnay.
I feel vunerable right now. Out there and open. Like a child who can't figure out how to redress herself in the bathroom so she must walk out into her dance class, naked. (trust me, I know how this feels- I was that child).
I'm not a mess. I am not an emotional roller coaster. I'm really not. I am also not that girl who is completely unglued and denying that she is a nutcase. I know nutcases. I am not one.
I'm doing this soul searching, trying to make myself one again. Trying to make myself a strong, secure and together woman and not just for Josh. For me. But in this journey to "wholeness" I continue to run into these emotional potholes that catch me off guard every time.
I hate my gut reactions when I feel threatened. To become aloof at the first hint of a possible rejection. Bam! Smack! Passive aggressive Whap! Guess I showed... no one.
I despise my insecurities. I hate them more than I hate video games, or the taste of liver. I hate knowing that they push people away from me. I hate the fact that I have a wall up so high that it generally puts people off before they even try to climb it. And when they do, I often lay a few more bricks on, just for good measure. I worry that, for this reason, the man I love so desperately it brings tears to my eyes as I write this, might someday decide that loving me is just too hard. I worry even more that expressing these fears only pushes him farther away than any continents could seperate us.
I am hoping confronting these ghosts from my past will make me new. I am depending on my own strength because, for once, I have no lover here to lean on. I'm doing this on my own, which through my life has been the only lover I could totally trust- and even I've let myself down a few times. And if I can't depend on me, how can I ever know I can depend on someone else?
How? I can't. I can't know. There are no "for sures" in life. No absolutes. There is only trust and hope. And for once I am learning to embrace them.
posted by Kellie @ 10:57 AM |

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