Monday, June 27, 2005

All Mixed Up

One of the best gifts a girl (or guy maybe?) can receive it a mix tape. Well, I take that back... if I still had my Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme that still had a tape player in it, then a mix tape would be an awesome gift. Today it's a mix CD. I received such a gift from a friend recently.

Whenever I am given a mix CD (it actually happens a lot- I guess because my friends know how much I love music) I go through a variety of emotions. When some people, such as a stalker (I've also had a few of these) give one to me, I freak out. I don't know what to say, I don't want to listen to it and I just feel completely out of sorts- not knowing how to react. I, of course, say thank yous and exchange hugs, then procede to get rid of the CD- because this is what I do in life- I am a pro at avoidance.
If a friend, such as in this case, gives me a mix CD I am usually a little skeptical. Because this truly could go two ways... It could be a thoughtful gift, as in "hey I like this song, I bet Kellie would too- let's put it on!" The mix tape could be a symbol of friendship, knowing my love for music and wanting to introduce me to some cool new songs, along with some old ones they know I love. This option is always best. Or it could be... the "let's be more than friends but I'm too chicken shit to tell you that's what this is so I'll disguise it in a mix tape" sort of... tape. er. CD. Whatever.
The issue here is that the truth is never clear. Without asking what the CD means, which is a) ridiculously awkward and b) something I would never do because I don't want to know the answer. So instead I choose the think the best- the friendship option, but questions always linger in my mind. Is this a way to profess love for me? I mean seriously, if you profess your feelings for me via mix CD- it will just be awkward and weird and frankly, I will, again, avoid you. Because I am mature. I know this about myself though and am totally open with my friends about it as well. But somehow it never seems to sink in because no one seems to listen.

The latest mix CD is great. The music is great. The composition great too. An awesome mix of upbeat and slow, a splash of old school rap, and a hint pop- it's good stuff.

But when I'm driving down the road and I hear this:
"Cause it's you and me
and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you"
Followed three songs later by:
"I can't take my eyes off of you..." repeated a million times... as in the cool, yet somehow creepy song from the movie "Closer."
Which brings me to my next point... if you are in a relationship and I am getting married, DO NOT USE A SONG FROM "CLOSER", a movie that filled to the max with cheating. It's just not a good connotation. Because now when I see the advertisement for "Closer" and they play that song, I think of you. And now that's weird.
Now, to be fair, some other songs appear on this CD which are just good fun... Baby Got Back, Boom, and Marvin Gaye. But still...

One song on the CD which my friend told me ever since it's release brought me to mind is Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved." I have never been a fan of Maroon 5, so I usually switch stations if this ever comes on the radio. But listening to it on my mix CD I enjoyed it. The lyrics made me nervous being on this mix CD, but at the same time, I felt like they really were appropriate.
The girl with the broken smile.
I guess that's me.
"It’s not always rainbows and butterflies
It’s compromise that moves us along.
My heart is full and my door’s always open
You can come anytime you want"

Beautiful lyrics. And somehow I just let go of my worries. No matter what the CD meant to the maker, it should mean something to me that someone thinks so much of me to put time and effort into a gift for me. Am I so self centered that all I saw was the possible motivation behind it, rather than the obvious love, be is platonic or otherwise, that went into it? Yes I was. And I need to work on that.
So now I restart the CD, take a deep breath, relax for once, and smile...

my broken smile.
posted by Kellie @ 2:56 PM |

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