Monday, June 06, 2005

beautiful disaster

This feeling can go away anytime now.

My stomach is twisted into knots and my breathing is shallow. My eyes are teary and my heart beat irregular. I try to occupy my thoughts with work, with anything other than wonder and worry. Even my old standard thoughts of food is worthless right now.

The distance between us is always there. But lately you've felt far away. I don't know why. Maybe because of me. Probably because of me. Pushing people away is something I've been mastering through my lifetime.

As a little girl I learned that those who claim to "love" you, especially men, are the ones who hurt you the most. This lesson was engraved in my mind and chiseled on my heart so deep I was never sure anyone could fill in the gaps. Someone to pour their cement of love in and fill it up, making me forget the past, and allow them to love me. Who could look at me and see more than a scary roller coaster of emotions and feelings, and instead see the thrill of the ride. Rather than someone to put me in the seat, lock the bar down, and waving me on as they stood at the side while I rode away- I want someone to get in beside me. Share the fear and the laughter. The ups and the downs.

God this is so cliche.

I truly don't know why I'm feeling this way (aside from the lack of communication I've been getting as of late). Most of all, I don't know why I have this fear of losing you. I want you to be the person on the roller coaster with me. And I'm trying really hard to make it more of a train track... or maybe even bumper cars.

A few small collisions, but at least we'd be on even ground.
posted by Kellie @ 12:53 PM |


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