Friday, June 17, 2005

This is my life.

"No food tastes as good as being thin feels."

Ah, my old motto. I heard it today pass from the lips of a nameless stranger in the liquor store. It escaped this womans collagened lips and passed through the air, finally settling in the pit of my aching stomach. As I turned the words over in my head I realized at some point that this could never have been my motto... because it's never been true for me.

I adore food. I love to eat. And I have never felt thin. No matter how slim my body may ever appear, I don't think I will ever feel thin. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I will always feel fat. I don't know how to fix that. And I don't know that any amount of therapy, food, starvation, binging or purging can ever change the way my mind works.

I know that you, my dear reader, may tire of me constantly discussing such boring and trivial subjects as food and my body image. However, what's even more tiresome is that these are the thoughts that invade my mind at any given moment of the day. Food- or lack thereof- controls my life. My universe revolves around it.

I now invite you to share a day in the brain of Kellie:

Wake up. What will I eat for breakfast? I think about this as I do my morning sit ups. Staring at my stomach I vow it will be egg whites and whole wheat toast. Maybe an apple. No- scratch that- apple=carbs=my fat stomach. Protein please. It's been decided. I shower.
Post shower I lather my body with every ridiculous beauty product and then I examine. I look thin in clothes, but I look fat in nothing. I've discovered this as of late. I would like a tummy tuck. This has been decided as well. I like the way I look in a thong and a bra. I hate my dry skin in the summer. I like my tan. I hate growing my hair out. And so it continues.
After I dress I eat breakfast. Breakfast at this point depends on what I am having for lunch. If it will be carby- no carby for breakfast. Never sugar. I love/hate sugar.
Go to work.
Insert hours of thinking about when I can eat. And if I should eat what I brought (90% I bring my lunch- I can't handle the temptation of going out to eat) or... go out to eat. I always choose to eat what I brought- boiled chicken and brown rice, cousous and chicken, salad, who knows... If I forgot/didn't have time to bring my lunch, I then resort to the trusty internet. On the internet I can look up the nutritional value of every fast food item. This is why I order taco supremes at taco bell- no meat- no sour cream. Yes folks I eat a crunchy taco shell (less calories than the soft) filled with lettuce, cheese and tomatos. Usually Subway wins- turkey with no cheese, lettuce, pickles, and banana peppers- no dressing. Are you kidding me?
I call home after lunch to find out what's for dinner. Dinner is the hardest meal. It's home cooked under my family's watchful eye. I eat what's served. I think about what it's going to be all day until I get there- vowing to eat a spoonful of the things that I shouldn't be eating- mashed potatos, stuffing, etc. I'm a sucker for dinner.
The rest of the night is spent trying not to snack. I love snacking while I watch whatever reality television show is on the idiot box. After this battle is over (I generally lose) I go to bed.
And then start all over again.

That. is. pathetic.

This is my life. Post-ED and all recovered.

This is so not normal.
posted by Kellie @ 12:15 AM |

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