Sunday, August 07, 2005

Asleep to Dream

I had a dream about the future with a man from my past.

I woke up with tears running down my face and a sinking in my chest. Startled and confused I turned on the light hoping to frighten away the monsters inside my head. When I went back to sleep I leapt back into my dream where I'd left off.

Of course that would happen.

Whenever I want to stay in a dream, it never happens. When I'm dreaming of Josh (my, admittedly, favorite dreams) my bladder threatens embarrassment, my dog barks, thunder rolls... you get the picture. I run back to bed and shut my eyes tight. Smelling Josh's cologne on my shirt (his shirt that I sleep in and spray with his cologne- I know... what a cheeseball) I think about him and smile, trying to will myself back into the dream.

It never works.

However, when emerged in a nightmare I dive back in full force and usually crack my head on the bottom of the pool. Why? Because I dream like I live- full force and passionate. Hence the crying in my sleep. Who does that?

But I digress... The dream was about my ex. I suppose I should be more specific- the last ex. There are a few things you need to know before I go into the dream. They are as follows: The relationship ended poorly. Scratch that. The relationship exploided and ended in shambles. I fully admit that this was my fault and that I should have ended it in a different (better) way- but I don't want to get into all those details on a blog. It's not fair to put his personal life out there for all the world to read. But the point is we haven't talked in over a year.

In my dream he died. And I felt an overwhelming amount of guilt in his death. As if I had a hand in it. The entire dream was his family wanting me to be a part of the funeral: speak, sing, etc. All the while it was obvious that every one was blaming me. I don't remember all of the details of the dream- I usually don't- but I can remember sitting next to the casket and talking to him. Apologizing for all the wrong done to him from my side and asking for forgiveness. That's when I woke up. I'm not sure why the dream affected me so much... I mean it was a dream- not reality. But for some reason I just wanted to know that he was really okay. And what's sad is that we don't speak at all. And I know I can't open up those lines of communication for a million reasons- the most important being that it's not fair for me to do so. I know that our lives are better- easier- not crossing again. But almost 4 years together makes a lot of memories and storing them away in the files of my mind, never to be opened again, is not an easy task.

I've always admitted to being a selfish person and I think this feeds into that. It's in my nature to want everyone to like me. I hate thinking of people being mad me. But like a bull in a china shop (which I've been call on more than one occasion) sometimes I break things, things being people, without knowing the damage I'm causing until I'm standing in the ruins wondering what happened. My hands stained with guilt from the broken heart I'm holding in my hands. My broken heart sitting on my sleeve where I attached it so long ago, and no matter how much thick skin I try to put over it somehow it manages to wear down, until it's exposed. Again.

So I suppose when I think about the dream and the "death" it was more of a reminder of the death of a friendship. Talking to the person with whom I can't talk. And not even aware in my waking hours that I missed it. But, as I said before, I understand the why. And I know it's better this way.

I just hope my dreams agree.
posted by Kellie @ 8:01 PM |

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