Thursday, September 15, 2005

Reality Sinks Back In

I always take things personally.

I lie and say I don't, but, well, as I said before: that's a lie. My feelings, though seemingly behind a thick skin of confidence, get hurt more easily than I'd like to admit. But this is me. It's just who I am. But it's that same sensitivity that makes me a passionate person. It's the part of me that compels me to do right by others. It's what makes me good at my job- reaching out to people who have little and trying to help them through the roughest situations. It's what makes me cry during movies (or even those feed the children commercials- but only when I'm PMSing).

But today I realized that I am truly my own worst enemy. My emotions overtake me and I just go with the flow (of tears). Looking through blurried eyes I left my office today, dissapointed in the communication breakdown (yet again) Iraq offers, and distraught over conversations had about relationships falling apart (not mine, mind you). I drove to the gym, because, of course, it's a "fat day." I walked into the bathroom thinking back over my emotional morning. Sighing I pulled myself together, because if I can't control anything else, I can control how I look.

I got on the treadmill and began to run. As I was jogging my mind started to wander, as it does when I am bored- and I am always bored when I work out. I began to think of the ways my mind plays tricks on me. And that's when I realized that I allow this to happen. I allow other people's problems in their relationships to spur thoughts of insecurity in my own. I've allowed society's stress on being bone thin to distort my own body image so that now all I see is a chubby girl, always needing to lose 10 pounds. I allow my feelings to be hurt over things I cannot control.

My fiance loves me and wants to marry me, if he didn't he wouldn't have asked.

No girl who wears a size 4 jeans is fat. This is just a fact.

The internet cutting out during a conversation is not equivilant to someone not wanting to talk to me.

These are facts. This is truth.

And this moment of clarity that entered my mind today was mood altering. I walked back into my work place, ready to face the challenges that the legal system can throw at me.
Even as I sit at my computer in my office right now, I feel calm. Content with who I am and happy to have the life that I have. It's far too easy to get stuck in mud the life slings, and I know not all days will take this positive turn but I am going to make it my goal to remember what's true. And when I get caught up in my mind to recognize truth.

I can't argue with the facts, no matter how hard I might try.
posted by Kellie @ 2:55 PM |


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