Monday, November 21, 2005

A Smart Girl's Thoughts

So this weekend turned out pretty great. I woke up this morning content and ready to start the week. Stress begins (again) with my job, as the promotion is a for sure and the ball is rolling. With my impending absence coming up due to Josh's return it brings both excitement and nervousness... can I do the job? Am I destined to be completely clueless for the next months to come? Will my boss discover that the 20 year experienced shoes would be better filled by someone with, frankly, more experience? These are the questions that enter my mind daily. Of course all I can do is try my best- but what if "my best" is still lacking? Well, I'll just have to learn as I go, I suppose.

I get the most stressed out when I feel lost. Plagued by boyfriends early on who wanted a girl to be pretty but not smart- I played the dumb role as a teen. Ditzy and blond, hiding my intelligence behind vacant stares and lively giggles. I hate those girls. I was that girl. As I grew up, I realized how much I hated what I was pretending to be. I stopped playing the game. Which is probably why my senior year of high school was spent with a mix of friends from all walks of life. It was also the best year I remember from high school. But ever since then, I've found myself almost defensive about my intelligence. I'm sensitive to being treated like a simple minded female. I hate being talked down to, and most of all, I hate not understanding. I dislike having to have things explained to me, and I'd always rather figure it out on my own, then feel reliant on other people's abilities. I appreciate knowledge and I love surrounding myself with intelligent people- I just always end up second guessing my own abilities.

After I graduated college, I made the choice to continue taking classes, ala carte from a community college here in Indianapolis. I took psychology, wondering if it was a field in which I could thrive. Without the social aspect of school, I began to push myself academically, so much so that I set the curve for my classes, passing them with over 100% and enjoying every second of it. I'd like to go back to school- to continue down an academic road, but who knows where life will lead me.

I think being a theatre and dance major in college has made me more sensitive to others judgements of my intelligence. And I understand their teasing, of course. My favorite quote is "Theatre? OH! I did theatre in HIGH SCHOOL! What a FUN major." Or this one "Dance? Yeah, I took dance all my life." As if it's that easy. Admittedly, part of what drew me into my major was that I was good. And being 18 years old and deciding your fate- well, it seemed better to stick with what I knew. And I knew I could perform. A 4 year scholarship later and the deal was sealed. But it still gets to me every time someone says "A theatre major? What are you going to do with that?" Yeah, buddy, the same thing you'll do with that generic business degree. Get off me.

But now I've gotten sidetracked.

The point is, I find myself stressing out about the new job- questioning my own abilities, when deep down I have all the confidence in the world that I can do it. I just have to remind myself from time to time.
posted by Kellie @ 9:14 AM |

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