Thursday, July 28, 2005
Back to LifeNo, I have not fallen off the face of the planet. Instead my Josh came home for his midtour from Iraq and we vacationed (aka hung out) for 2 and a half weeks. In this time a great many things happened... I loved having him home and will surely write a long drawn out post about that. But, in true Kellie fashion, I will write about the dark cloud in my sky that loomed in last week...
this would be the death of my father.
I didn't know my father.
Not really. As if living in two seperate houses isn't enough of a seperation, we were living in two seperate continents. Two seperate worlds completely. They were once one, but it's so long ago I can't remember what that was like. They collided occassionally, but in general my father was very much not a part of my life.
When I was a kid I used to pretend we were close. I'd lie to kids at school. Talk about my dad's accent. Give a false impression. That I had this awesome dad who lived abroad and called me on the weekends, begging me to come and visit and stay for my summer vacation. A father who sent me gifts just because. Trinkets he'd pick up on his adventures, knowing how much I'd love them, always including a long letter full of his love. In reality my father never called me, wrote me sparatically, and the only gifts I received were on Christmas, vague gifts for the daughter he'd never know. A card signed only "love, Dad". I can only guess he never knew what else to say.
The night before our designated "Father Daughter Day"(6 years ago) in my hometown of Coleraine Northern Ireland my dad got so drunk he tore the phone out of the house and threatened to kill his father, my grandad. The next day was filled with a shell of a man, too high to function, or even hold a conversation. I left the day empty. But in true Danny fashion, the next day was filled with fun. Sober and funny, we spend the day together. Laughing, making fun of my mom, telling stories, trying to involve each other in our completely seperate lives. I left with high hopes.
Years and unanswered letters later here I sit. A woman who's led her entire life without her father being a part of it (I had a dad growing up- he was my grandpa and he raised me since I was 6- so I didn't go without), yet somehow the loss of him feels greater than anticipated. Not because he was a great man. Or a great father figure. Just a stranger to me. What makes me sad is that's all he'll ever be now. The door has officially been shut. It's a decisiveness I wasn't prepared for. But it's over now.
Before my dad died he sent me a message. Truly a message from the grave since I didn't get it until the night after he had passed. That he was proud of me, glad I was getting married... he'd gotten all my letters. Why he had to wait until it was all too late I'll never know. But at least I know he read them. Unanswered until the end, but I suppose that was a way to show his love.So now I written the story of my father and I.
Short, not so sweet and now over.
There's no epilogue to death.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Plagerizing Her LifeThere are times when inspiration strikes, more random than lightning in these summer storms I adore. When I started writing my book (I use this term rather loosely- please don't ask me what it's about- it's evolving- like me) I cut out photos and made collages. Weird, I know this. But somehow looking into these faces of real people- real emotions- totally inspired thought. To write what they were feeling. Explain how they got to be where they are.
Eventually, the pictures were thrown to the wasteside, as my characters took on their own personalities and, like a rebellious teen, their own appearances. Try as I might make my herione, Bridgette, blond haired and blue eyed, eventually I could only picture her with dark hair and hopeful eyes. Large, confused, engaging, dark eyes, framed by long lashes. I cut out pictures again. I was writing the story dammit. Not her. But whenever I described her blond alter-ego, it felt... false. Fake. It felt like a lie. Like when someone tells me I'm thin. But that's not what this is about this time.
I've never found a picture of her. Never known exactly who she was. Just as I never know exactly who I am. Does anyone really? But I needed to know her. I wanted her to be everything I'm not and experience life as I don't, can't or won't. For years she's been in my mind. Writing this book more than I, most of the time. Changing her story more than I ever could. Daring me to take her down different paths. That's why the book always changes. She's still figuring it out.
Tonight I was inspired. Browsing through pictures on friendster, trying to pass the time, I think I saw her. I stopped and went back. I sat in silence, reading the name, and looking at the picture.
There she was.
One of my best friends from college provided me with this character I have created in my mind. Again, I was reminded of how much I miss her.
and my story changed again.
LOLJust a little quote for you all:
Me to Rachael: I like to keep you on your toes.
Rachael to me: I like to keep you on your back.
For more entertainment from Rachael go to:
Realizations of a HumpdayThings I've discovered as of late:
*Time passes slower the closer you are to happiness. It's just a fact. Don't argue with me on this. I've done the research- I know my shit.
*I look good in yoga pants. Whoda thought?
*I suck at yoga.
*Green tea makes me feel awesome. It also makes me poo a lot. But let's be honest- what doesn't?
*Drinking seems like a good idea before I do it, and perhaps while I'm doing it, but never after.
*I feel better when I don't drink (shocker).
*I write better when I do.
*I am a terrible speller and if it weren't for spell check most of what I write would be mumbo jumbo.
*I look awesome in brown.
*I look terrible in pink.
*I love to wear pink.
*Seeing my fiance for the first time since he left for Iraq is both exciting and scary all rolled into one intense emotion- it's amazing.
*I can't always tell the difference between what really happened and what I dreamt.
*Diet Pepsi always tastes a little off to me.
*My ex boyfriend from high school is one of my most favorite people in the world.
*Fun co-workers make me excited to go to work.
*Hanging out with my family is often times more fun than with my friends.
*I'm going to have amazing in laws.
*I need to live in weather that is always in the 70s.
*I miss Sunshine Club with my girls.
*I want another dog, but I don't need one.
*Pizza is the ultimate food.