Monday, October 31, 2005
Happy Halloween!Happy Halloween to all!
So, thanks goes out to all of my blogging friends for their supportive comments on my last entry. There are just those days when I feel completely down in the dumps about my body, etc, and no matter how much I try to pull myself out it tends not to work so well. So I definitely appreciate the comments...
Special K is still going strong. Not sure I have lost any weight on it, but whatever. It will happen. I just don't know why there has been a weight gain... a good 3-5 pounds, but oh well... hopefully soon I will shed the extra poundage! Keep your fingers crossed for me world!
This weekend was a fun one!
Jody and I and friends went to Howl at the Moon on Friday and broke my "no drinking" rule. Felt like crap the nexy day for it, but Howl was a good time, probably one of my favorite places in Indy. But now I am back on the no drinking wagon- no sense in not being able to eat and then drinking empty calories!
Saturday I went bowling with my family- which was a great time. Stayed up WAY too late on Saturday night talking to Sarah and watching SNL, but a good night. Sunday was filled with CLEANING OUT MY STUFF. With the wedding looming in the sort-of-near future the time has come for me to get rid of the crap left at my parents house. And damn, there is a lot of crap! But so far so good- the entire top of my closet is clean and 2 boxes have been cleaned out!!!!!!!!!!! Great start!
Well, now I am off to try to get some more work done (try being the operative word here). Hope everyone is having a GREAT halloween so far!
Friday, October 28, 2005
Here's to the Ladies Who LunchI hate dieting.
There is nothing worse to a girl who loves food that to deprive myself of it. Right now I am on the Special K diet. This diet consists of... you got it! Special K cereal. A bowl for breakfast. A bowl for lunch or dinner. 2 snacks of fruit or veggies in between and then a sensible dinner or lunch. Although I do love cereal, it gets old. And fast. Trying to get to the gym as much as I can, as well, although with the new chill in the air most evenings I would rather curl up under blankets and stay cozy than run my ass off on a treadmill.
Josh's return looming in the future has certainly given me the motivation (which I usually lack) to stay on my diet. Picturing him coming home to a hot, in shape fiance is definitely better than the vision of him returning to the goodyear blimp (give or take 10 lbs). Plus, the added appeal of my ability to keep up with him while working out is always in the back of my mind as well. Josh is an in shape guy. Muscular and strong, he has the endurance of the energizer bunny! And then there's me... muscle disease that makes me ridiculously weak, and therefore seemingly impossible to tone myself more. I'm never happy with my body. Some days I am less unhappy than others, but generally speaking I usually find flaws.
The most frustrating part is that I surround myself with beautiful people. They are all thin, all strikingly lovely, and all unaware of their own beauty. Or at least, most of them are. These women, all of whom I love, only get more gorgeous as we grow older. And although I am aware that beauty is not a competition, I can't help feeling as though I continue to fall short. If I lose 5 pounds, my girlfriend loses 10. I look at size 6 and the rest of my friends flock to the 2s and the-who-the-eff-is-this-small-0s. My hair is virtually forever at that in between stage, where my best friend's hair looks amazing short, in between, and longer. At pool parties my friends don the bikini, but I just can't bring myself to venture out of my tank-ini, a covering my flaws and hiding them from the world. And, of course, I only want want the best for them and seeing them glow with beauty makes me happy. But at the same time, I can't help but continue to feel like the ugly duckling.
And it's not as if I hate myself. I think I can look cute. Sometimes even really cute. But there's never a day that goes by that I don't see the blemish on my cheek, or the odd sag in my pants, every little thing that distorts the image in the mirror back into the Chubby Girl I used to be. I hate that girl. I hate how she looks, but most of all, I hate how she feels. I understand in my logical mind, that I am not "fat." I just don't know how to make myself not feel fat. I always feel fat- even after a week of bowls of Special K.
I applaud the women who like what they see in the mirror. The women who put on the two piece, even though they might not have the body of every Laguna Beach star (who looks like that at 16?!). The women who love their bodies, and embrace them- flaws and all. The women who order dessert on dates and anything-but-a-salad. The women who work out to be healthy, not to lose the imaginary layers they've built on with years of insecurity. I'm jealous of the women who've learned to love who they are on the inside and out.
And the ones who don't eat cereal as a staple.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
CONGRATULATIONS TO MY BABY!
The Bronze Star Medal is awarded to any person who, while serving in any capacity in or with the Army of the United States after 6 December 1941, distinguished himself or herself by heroic or meritorious achievement or service, not involving participation in aerial flight, in connection with military operations against an armed enemy; or while engaged in military operations involving conflict with an opposing armed force in which the United States is not a belligerent party.
Drumroll Please!We have a date folks!
Yes, that's right...in but a short time (I can't specify when for security reasons) my baby will be returning home from his sandy government paid vacation. It hardly seems possible that it has been almost a year.
Looking at deployment before he left, it seemed like a year apart was, well, pretty much forever. I could not imagine my days without him by my side. I was miserable without him. I felt alone, I was lost in my past- struggling to figure out where I fit in back in my hometown, with old friends I barely knew anymore. I flipped from one group to another, drank too much too often and generally spent free time missing Josh.
As time went on, I found my place. My focus became on the future, rather than the present craptasticness of the seperation. I found peace with the distance, and even though it was still hard, I knew more than ever that this was the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. The return is looming so near in our future, I can barely hold in my excitement. The year has flown by and all of the lonliness has melted away, leaving behind the strongest of foundations. As much as I wish we didn't have to spend even a moment apart, the year has been good for us. It's made us stronger than imaginable and has cemented the fact that he is the best man I know.
So, boys and girls, the moral of the story is that soon, very soon...
I will be getting some action again.
we all know that's all that really matters anyway.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Ooooooh I Love a Rainy... day?It's one of those days when I just want to curl up in a fluffy corner of blankets, drink hot chocolate, and watch reruns of Laguna Beach all day. Listen to the cold rain and be glad to be inside- cozy and warm. Throw in a soon-to-be husband and a tranquilized dog and BAM. Pure bliss.
It's cold outside. Tha familiar Indiana chill that travels up one side of my memory and back down the other. Add in the rain and some might say it is down right miserable. Driving to work this morning was quite an adventure... Business men in their BMWs wizzing by, despite the water and oil rinsed road. Old women, petrified and water logged taking up more than their fair share of the highway. And of course, the Carmel housewife, driving her H3 (because every woman needs a car that big) like an idiot trying to get to the mall in time for the sales. I truly despise traffic. As in, I want to run people off the road about 75% of the time. I'm that driver.
And this morning the idiots did abound.
And the weather is absoloutly heinous.
And walking into my office I found out I have 2 extra cases which I did not know about last night.
And by these powers combined (little sout out to my boy Captain Planet), one would imagine me to be in the most foul of moods.
But instead, I am not. I'm looking forward to my weekend playing house with my cousins. It's practice for being a soccer mom. A Carmel H3 drivin' soccer mom.
wow. I just gave myself heart palpatations. I'll stick with my ballet and Jeep any day!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Discovery ZoneI discovered this weekend that I am NOT alone in my adulthood... I actually had a lot of discoveries...
1) I discovered that the specialty martinis at Motinis pretty much taste my cough syrup.
2) I discovered that drunk men who won't get off of me are NOT deterred by my pretending to be an item with Erin. All it does it make it more hot to them. Don't try it ladies.
3) I discovered that Trivial Pursuit is an awesome alternative to a bar.
4) I discovered that my friends and I can sound like the meanest girls (think the movie Mean Girls...) alive... but have the biggest hearts inside.
5) I discovered that I love Red Bull. Okay, I already knew that, but this weekend pretty much sealed the deal.
6) I discovered lies told to me years back about a good friend were, in fact, lies. I wish I'd known it back then... but in the end I'm just glad I know it now.
7) I discovered that they sell jewelry for your... girl area. And: it's clip on. *note: I discovered this while visiting my old roomie who works in a porn shop*
8) I discovered that prank calls from me to a boy we call "Special" will always be funny. Always.
9) I discovered that I'm so over the actual events of Homecoming it's not even funny.
10) I discovered that drinking said red bull that I love and eating Greeks (oh god, so good) gives me severe diarrhea. I know. Too much information...
11) I discovered that having severe diarrhea with friends is also always funny.
12) I discovered that a coffee meeting can last 3 hours, and not one
minute of it can be boring.
13) I discovered that fights from the past mean nothing now.
14) I discovered that a 12 peice bucket of KFC and 3 large sides is more than 3 girls can handle.
15) I discovered that staying in and talking all night is better than any bar we could have gone to...
All in all, a great weekend, spent with two awesome friends.
I love being reminded of the amazing women I have in my corner.
Erin and JR pretty much rock! :)
Friday, October 14, 2005
What a Man!I love getting flowers at work... :)
I love getting them for a ridiculous holiday called Sweetest Day- just because he loves me! :)
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Other Side of the TracksThis weekend I am taking a trip back in time. Driving all of 45 minutes north to my old stomping grounds at Ball State University (yes you can laugh... i went to Ball State. Even lived by Dick Street. Now let's move on, shall we?). ;)
Ball State is located in the cultural mecca of Muncie Indiana. I'm lying right now, reader. Muncie Indiana is hardly a cultural mecca. Apologies to any Muncie folk who may stumble across this journal and be offended. But come on. Muncie is... unique. If you have ever read Life on the Color Line, the setting is in Muncie. A true story about racism and the difference in growing up white and growing up black. Although the book takes place years back, the tensions still remain strong in Muncie Indiana.
There is still a color line. A railroad track with stereotypically and cliche "wrong side of the tracks" and right side. The Black and the White sides. I know both sides because I used to cross them every day to go to work. I worked as an assistant at a governmentally funded after school program on the "wrong side of the tracks." I'd get out of class and begin my drive into Muncie.
Now you'll note that my college was in Muncie, but the campus area was a different life. Full of young minds, subsequently, open minds. A liberal haven to all of us attending at the University. But there was a difference between BSU and Muncie. Two different societies coexisting as one. A recipe for trouble.
So everyday I would drive into the city of Muncie. People think of Muncie as a small town. A hick town. This is not true. Muncie is a city and has all the problems of a city, minus most of the benefits. It has a huge drug problem, slums and projects, and of course, a red light district. And no, I never had the opportunity to spend any quality time there. The most direct route to get to the school was through the projects. And for a girl who seems to always be short on time and heavy on plans, direct is good. So this is how I drove. I never ran into any problems, minus the time the streets were blocked. As I drove into the crowd, my car was surrounded, but after recognizing me, they let me pass. That was the only time I ever felt scared.
Nervous? Of course. I was the lone white girl when I started working there. 90% of my kids were black, and they didn't like or trust me. They made fun of me. My hair, the way I talked, the clothes I wore. The parents were even worse. They stared me down, waiting for me to look away, to avoid them, to hide. Every day I left work in tears, hating that 9 year olds and their parents were getting under my thin skin. Every day the kids taunted me. "Are you going to quit yet? We know you will." I'd leave. "I'll see you tomorrow" I'd toss over my shoulder to skeptical parents and giggling children. Sure you will, they thought. I could see it in their grins. And when the kids would walk out of their class the next day-there I'd stand, ready to walk them to the center. And the day after that. And the day after that.
Eventually, walls were broken. An occasional hug was given to me. And sometimes parents said hello. My hair that had disgusted them before, was now braided in tiny braids that covered my head on a daily basis. I looked ridiculous, but it made everyone laugh- children and parents alike. They started opening up to me. On a dailt basis I'd have my heart filled by pictures, hugs, good report cards, and invitations to birthday parties. And I'd have my heart broken by stories of jailed parents, bruises, death and poverty. These children who grew up in a world I'd never known and opened my eyes to it- and for that (and for them) I am forever thankful.
The experiences these people gave to me, from testifying about child abuse to trips to the emergency room with my favorite little guy with his family, shaped my life. It's what led me to work with poverty stricken children in Washinton DC, even littler ones in North Carolina, and now even as babies, looking for a family. They pointed me down this road, even at this crossroads I sit at today- wondering where I'm meant to head and how I can better help.
I know this weekend will be amazing. To see old friends and spend some quality time at ol' BSU. We'll drink Penny Pitchers at Dill Street, and eat Greeks Pizza at 2am. We'll go to the football game and talk through most of it. It will be a wonderful time.
But I know as we drive through the city, a part of me will want to take a detour.
To cross to the wrong? side of the tracks.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
The Block of the WriterI used to be able to sit down and write every night. I could settle myself anywhere and the words would come rushing. Looking back, I am not even sure that I was truly inspired by anything in particular.
When I lived in Washington DC, I would rush home to my little one room apartment (which cost me $1250 a month- yowza!) and hurry through the sushi take out I would inevitably pick up on the way home (the best sushi ever... mmm). Pouring a glass of wine to wash down the remnants of wasabi still in my mouth and then settling on my balcony. A great view. Watching the cars, the people, the bustle of the city, all from my little perch high above them all. A bottle of wine next to me, and a notepad and paper (I was too poor for a laptop back then). When it got too dark I'd turn on all the lights in my apartment and face them toward the window, thus illuminated my little creative haven. I would write and write until I was a little too tipsy to chicken scratch, or too tired to see in the dim lights of the city.
My life was chaotic back then. Confusing and, to be honest, a mess. I spent most of my days stumbling through the drama (not floating as I do now!) and hoping to make it out with all my limbs in tact. Apparently, that helps feed my creative spirit. I can't motivate myself to sit and write on my book these days. And sometimes, if I'm being completely honest, I don't even know what to blog about. Which is ridiculous... It's a journal! And I, being the most emotional person on the planet (trust me, it's a proven fact), have nothing to say? Fugettaboutit...
I want to be inspired to write again. But I certainly have no interest in going back to that confusing tunnel I was trapped in a few years ago.
My life has a direction- and it's finally a direction that I love.
I just wish I could write more while I'm traveling.
Monday, October 10, 2005
When I Grow UpLately I’ve been thinking about what I want to be when I grow up.
Okay, I realize I am grown up- and as hard as that is for me to believe, I recognize this as fact. I am an (gulp) adult. But, to be more specific, I am thinking about what career I want to go into. I enjoy the work I do now, that’s for sure. But there are times when I wonder if I enjoy it because it is satisfying, or because it is, for lack of a better word, easy.
I go back and forth in my mind... law school, Masters in Psychology, Education... the possibilities fill my head. And the facts are that I know I will be good at whatever I choose to do. I can excel in academia (when I want to, of course). But I run into this wall where I feel like I should know exactly what I want to do and where I want to be. My social and emotional life are right where I want them. I’m getting married and I’m loving that. I have awesome friends, who, for the most part, are settled or settling, and I love that. I like having my guy and my dog to come home to, and my girls for an evening of food, wine, and (as always) the OC. But then I take a long look at my career and I just don’t know where I want to be. I
suppose I always expect more of myself- I thought I’d know. When I changed my major in college I thrived. But then I freaked out. And the extra year of school didn’t look so hot and neither did some of the "hard" classes I’d have to take. And it wasn’t easy anymore. So I quit. I went back to what was comfortable, and what I was good at.
And now here I sit, almost 25 years old, and wondering if I made the right choice. What’s sad is that now when I think of going back to school, I back down from it. And why? Because it’s hard. When the going gets tough and all that...
But I’m starting to wonder if it’s not time for me to step up and make some decisions. I just feel like I am stuck in this grey area- and I hate grey...
Anyone else been here with me?
Friday, October 07, 2005
I want to be a cowgirl.
I realized that this morning on my way to work, blaring "Hick Town" on my radio. I'd love to be able to put on jeans every morning and a cowboy hat.
And ride horses. Bareback even. Okay, maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself. I'll use a saddle. But still. I think I'd make a great cowgirl!
How can we make this happen folks?
Thursday, October 06, 2005
PricelessCookie Ingredients: $10.00
Silk Pajamas from Victoria's Secret: $50.00
Tastefully Simple bill for the night: $40.00
Having girlfriends to hang out with who don't judge you for eating 4 cookies:
Happy BirthdayI suck at remembering birthdays. This much I know. So my apologies go out to all of my fabulous friends whose birthdays have come and gone with no call or card from yours truly.
But today I remembered. Today is my dear Kirsten's birthday. Kirsten and I attended good ol' BSU together, where we lived together, cried together, partied together, laughed together and shared everything (from throwing up to cuddling). She is truly a best friend.
You always hear Kirsten before you see her. And you love her once you do. Loud and spirited; she has never met a stranger. She is the most beautiful girl in the room- because her beauty comes from the inside. She is talented and determined, and always there for her friends when they need her. Her laugh is contageousand her smile even more catching. I can't put into words what it's like to be around her. She's that type of person that you can talk to about anything and know she understands. She's emotional. She's wild. She's sensitive. She's crazy. But above everything else she is one of the best friends I have ever known in my life.
And no matter how many miles grow between us, she is always close to my heart. I miss her constantly, but always know our friendship is strong. So Happy Birthday Kir! :) I love you! :)
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Tagged again!An oversight on my part that I was tagged by Phillip! OOPS! Sorry! here ya go...
20 Facts About Myself and tag the same number of people as minutes it took me to fill out the facts.
1) I'm so competitive that I just decided to do this as fast I can... wow. I'm pathetic.
2) I work out 4-6 times a week. I used to work out 0-0 times a week. I throw myself full force into everything I do.
3) Right now is my favorite season, and the only thing that could make it better is if my fiance were here.
4) I have no gall bladder.
5) I adore cooking more than I do eating.
6) The above is not true when in regards to seafood.
7) My friends and I get together every thursday to watch The OC- even though we are all in our mid to late twenties.
8) I have been listening to Jars of Clay in the morning on my way to work because it tends to brighten up my day.
9) I am hungry right now.
10) I quit drinking about 2 weeks ago- which doesn't seem like a long time, but for someone who used to have drinks every to every other day- that's huge.
11) My dog drives me crazy 40% of the time- but the other 60 makes up for it because he can be the sweetest dog ever.
12) I just realized my dog and I are much alike.
13) Sometimes I get sad for no real defined reason- I just can't help it. And when I'm sad- I blog.
14) I am still good friends with every ex I have, except for my most recent one and we were together the longest.
15) I hate the length my hair is, but i know I want it longer for the wedding so I have to let it grow. I hate letting it grow.
16) I often worry that people will see through all my confidence to find out that I am just as insecure as everyone else.
17) I love to go club dancing, but I hate the guys who try to hit on me there. They've driven me away. I intend to try again someday with me finace so he can scare them.
18) Once I drove my car into 4 feet of water and had to my pushed out my people who were doggy paddling around in it.
19) I have a newfound love of country music.
20) I am indecisive about my wedding details, the thing I am most excited about it the man I'm marrying.
okay that took longer than anticipated... 6 minutes... okay...
Rach, Steph, John, Romeo, Anisa, and Ian (because he has nothing better to do in the Peace Corps than this...) :)
SpamalotLet’s talk about spam.
I love getting email. I hate getting spam. But in the email it’s easy to detect- easy to delete and rid of my inbox. However, this new thing of spamming my blog... I am definitely a hater of this. Because it gets you not once but twice.
First, when I check my email- it says I have mail. It’s lying. I have spam. Wtf. However this spam is cleverly disguised as a comment on my blog. I get a little excited, admittedly... A new reader! Someone new likes/hates what I have to say... Then BAM.
I’ve been spammed.
So now I have spam in my email AND my blog. Will it never end? As if it’s not enough that I get barraged every day with crap via snail mail- now I can’t even escape in cyberspace.
So attention to all:
No, I don’t want penis enlargements. I have no penis therefore need it not enlarged.
No, I don’t want to look at your Halloween Costumes... Unless you have the Evil Pixie- then I might consider.
No, I don’t want Viagra. My fiancé is 25 years old... we’re not quite there yet, thank you very much.
No, I don’t want to check out your website- I’m not going to purchase porn so move on dude, move on.
No, I don’t want anything you have to sell.
And finally, no, Muhebsajhd Su Quiansk, I do not want to take part in your business opportunity to put your 60 Billion bucks in an American bank (which of course you will split with me, right?).
I’m NOT INTERESTED!
... please don’t spam me in retaliation, evil spam gods...
Monday, October 03, 2005
The Good LifeI woke up this morning completely refreshed and ready to start my week. This feeling is largely due to the fact that I had an awesome weekend. The kind of weekend that I knew I would blog about... But as I’ve sat down to think about what to write, it seems pretty much...
But, in my old age (almost 25 thank you much- Dec. 10th- take note folks), I’ve come to realize that those are sometimes the weekends I value and appreciate most. The time I spend with my family is time I treasure. These are the people who have molded my life, watched me grow up, and supported me all the way. They are the people I hold dear- the ones I look to for my example- who I turn to with a problem. Time with them is always fun, always thought provoking and always enriching.
Talking with amazing friends, watching two of my bridesmaids get measured for my most special day of all... they enrich my life too. The always there, pick me ups, laugh until my stomach aches from happiness... My friends. I didn’t get to spend as much time with them as usual this week- something I shall remedy in the coming week hopefully (or at least be able to be there for the OC goodness ritual I love). But even talking to them and hearing about their personal weekend escapades (or sexcapades- whichever proves true!) makes me feel fulfilled.
And then of course, Josh. Hearing his voice makes my day. And hearing him talk about our future makes me feel filled to the brim with happy. :) He is the most amazing person I know and I am thankful every day that we were led down this road together.
And I know I sound like a broken record on this, but you just have to deal- and rejoice in the fact that my posts have taken on a more positive note- rather than the depression that had previously seeped into my life. And it’s October! Which means in a mere 2 months, I will be reunited with the love of my life...
All in all, Life. Is. Good.