Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Floating AgainThings are weird here.
You know why?
Because I am currently without voice! I never notice how much I sing, let alone talk, until my abilities are, well, limited.
I used to enjoy it when I would lose it a little. I could do a great Brittany Spears impression, and the low tones make my voice sexier, at least in my opinion. Right now I couldn’t push out "I’m a Slave For You" if I tried, and I definitely do not sound sexy. Trust me. I’ve posed the question to people- people who generally find me sexy- and they agreed.
This is not hot.
I’ve getting my hair cut today and my nails done. I dread the sitting there, unable to hold a conversation, or at least hold one that doesn’t make people think I have the bird flu or something else equally as nasty. I have no idea how I want my hair cut, I just know I want to grow it out again. Maybe I’ll even go back to blonde, rather than my naturally drab brownish red locks. People say blondes have more fun, but I don’t know if that’s true. Brunettes and red heads seem to have a great deal of fun- at least in my experience.
9 days until J is back. I am more than a little excited- although yesterday I was a raving beotch to him on AIM. Mostly because I was frustrated with work, did not feel well, and his IM pretty much sucks (yes, I know he’s in Iraq- I get it). But I did feel awful about taking my annoyances out on him. So I did what any loving fiancé would do... I sent an e-card. That’s love folks.
Speaking of e-cards, I got quite the humorous one this morning from an old friend. A summer of dating, but other than that- now we inhabit Platonic City- him being married and me getting married and all. But I must say- I love e-cards. I love REAL cards more, but there is nothing like that whole "someone is thinking about you" thing. I just truly enjoy that feeling... well... wait.
I should specify.
I love it when it’s a friend. I mean, a real friend, as in someone who actually knows me- and knows where my boundaries are. And someone I know well enough to feel comfortable with a card/letter/mix tape (oh lord... don’t get me started on those). I hate nothing worse than the knowledge that your platonic friends wants to be "more than friends." UGH. I’ve experienced this more than I care to write about. I suppose it should be a compliment, but all it does it push me father away and in turn, end the friendship. And then it’s just this awkward mess that I just don’t want to deal with. I always see it coming... the phone calls, the emails, the AIM convos... I try to ignore it until it’s way too late, then the cat’s outta the bag and I am left wheeling in drama that I never wanted to create. This has gotten substantially better in recent months, but now I am so sensitive to it- I tend to push people away before the drama happens.
And, to be honest, there is a part of me that is okay with this. I have amazing friends. Phenominal friends. The kind of friends I can not see for months, even years, and still get together with and gufaw with laughter (yes, I do Gufaw) so hard until I can’t breathe.
And I have the most incredible man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing as my partner in life. He makes me laugh and he makes me think. He challenges me and plants my uplifting feet on the ground now and again. My family and his are wonderful... and that’s pretty much all I need. Not that I don’t love making new friends, I do. But there’s no room in this life for drama, because it’s filled to the max with laughter, happiness, insanity, tears, passion and love.
I just keep floating though!
Monday, November 28, 2005
The Story of UsSo I've realized that I have never really told the story of how J and I got together... so here goes. I don't exactly look like a Princess in it- just a warning, but it turned out right in the end.
J and I went to different colleges, however got introduced one New Year's Eve at a party I was at with my (then) boyfriend. They had gone to high school together and shared a mutual best friend, Matty. At first J and I were just aquaintances. We'd see each other every now and again, mostly because his best friend and my boyfriend were fraternity brothers and friends from childhood- so we spent most of our time in group social situations.
J went to Korea the year I graduated from college (he's a year older than me). I graduated and moved home to Indy. I was still with my college boyfriend, but things were up and down most of the time- and he was living in Washington DC. J came home for leave from Korea for 2 weeks and decided to come visit Matt in Indy. They called me and I headed over to Matt's apartment, where I remained for the entire weekend pretty much. J was charming and funny and (duh) a hottie. He argued with me and made me laugh. We went shopping together and I picked out an outfit for him to wear. All in all, we were bonding and developing a friendship further than we had before.
I can remember going to a party together. We were surrounded by my boyfriends friends and I remember dancing with J. We flirted and danced, but kept it all strictly platonic. But, as we were going home from the party, sitting in the back seat of the car, a girl jumped out, ran around to J's side and started to kiss him. I felt a definite pang of jealousy, knowing full well that there was no way I could express this feeeling. I didn't even know exactly why I was upset. I blamed it on my need for attention, because, admittedly, I enjoy being the center of attention. She asked him to stay over, but he denied it. She left and went into her building, and he said how awkward that was. He seemed embarrassed by it, and who knows if it was an act or real, but it worked, and I fell asleep on his shoulder on the ride home. When we got there we started up a movie, and I was out like a light. Before he left after the weekend was over, we exchanged email addresses and phone numbers. I remember chatting online with him every night while he was still in this country. He went back to Korea and I ended up moving to Washington DC, with the honest hopes of trying to work out my relationship with my boyfriend. I knew I'd always wonder if we had tried hard enough, seeing as how we had been together for over 3 years and never been in the same city.
So I ended up in DC, where things went downhill with the boyfriend. J and I continued to talk. He would call me from Korea and I'd send him cards and emails. I still look back at some of the sweet things he said to me in the beginning of our friendship. I'm not sure exactly when I knew I was interested in J... it just sort of developed over time. In retrospect I should have left my boyfriend before I did, but I was scared and had no idea how to end it. We shared an apartment, and for so long he had been my boyfriend- I didn't know what was the right thing to do. J was coming home from Korea and I was going home for the grandfather's birthday. J decided to come to Indy the same weekend I was home (go figure!).
A few nights before I left I went out to dinner with my boyfriend. We talked about our relationship, how he didn't know if there was a future, and we had no clue where we were going. After this conversation, I knew it was over. But of course, being the chicken shit that I tend to be, I left DC with loose ties to come home- not knowing what was in store- or what I wanted.
The first night I was home, I met up with some friends to go to a club. While I was there Matty and J called me to see where I was. I invited them to join me, and to my surprise, they said yes! My best friend, Jody, was out with me that night- and I told her about this "incredible guy" we were meeting. I remember the looks I was getting from my friends, so I quickly backed it up with a "you should TOTALLY hook up with him", knowing full well I would hate my life if that happened, but I felt compelled to defend my going on about J. I remember walking down the street in Indy and seeing J up ahead. He looked gorgeous- gave me the biggest hug ever and we headed into the club. After about 10 minutes, Jody walked up behind me and said "Yeah, I can tell I am not the one who will be hooking up with him." We danced the night away and I loved every second of being with him. Through our entire friendship he just made me happy. And it just continued. As the night progressed my friends began to bail out on me. I had been given a ride to my friend's so I was without a car. J and Matty offered to get my friend Jana and I home safe.
After the club was winding down, we left. Matt drove Jana's car, (note: she did vomit all over the inside of it) and J and I followed in his truck. Afterward the three of us headed back to Matt's.
Okay- warning. I get a little sketchy here. I know it.
We get back to Matty's. We stay up for a bit and then it's time to go to bed. J is on one couch and I on the other. We lay talking for a little while and then I did say (I am so embarrassed and I can't believe I am writing about this right now) "I'm cold."
So, J, being the gentleman that he is (and a little dense) he gets up, walks over to where I am laying, and promptly puts another blanket on me. "There ya go. Better?" he asks as he walks back to his couch. Although I think he just sat down this time, but I can't be sure.
Now, a normal girl would take this as being shot down and just roll over. But not this girl. I figured I had gone that far- might as well push my luck. "Well, better?" he asked again. I saw my opening.
"Not really... I'm still cold."
"Well, I could, um, come over there for awhile..." He offerred.
DING DING DING!!!
So J climbs next to me and... yeah. Nothing happened. That's the honest to God truth. We lay there talking, curled up together, laughing and whispering through the night. It's not that I didn't want to kiss him. Of course- I mean, hello? He's hot! Beautiful eyes, great smile, amazing body...
okay, now I'm just getting distracted.
Back on track. J and I talked late into the night and finally got around to the whole admitting that we liked each other. He told me all the sweet things that I wanted to hear about thinking about me ever since his midtour- and whether it was true or not, it totally worked. Never have I experienced such a want to kiss someone- and NOT done it. It was hot. I won't lie.
The next morning was... well, a little weird. Waking up beside the guy I've been friends with for months, finally admitting how we felt... plus the fact that Matt walked through to see us laying together! But the weirdness only lasted a few moments before we began our day. We hung out all day and enjoyed each other's company. I didn't know exactly what would happen, especially the next night, but seeing as how we had such an honest discussion the night before- I was anticipating more of the same.
Matt had a girl over, as did his roommate, and then there was J and I. We all stayed in, drank red wine, and I remember arguing and debating with J- as we tend to do- all the while holding hands under a blanket. Another night curled up and talking and I knew where we were headed. Nothing happened again- except for a kiss on his arm- and talk of what was to come.
I went to Washington and ended things with my boyfriend (which should have been done the night we went to dinner before I left- but...), J was in NC and we began our relationship.
Soon we're getting married-
and that my friends,
is the story of us.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Turkey and BeerHappy Thanksgiving all- a little belated!
I traveled to Cincinnatti to meet the future in laws on Thursday morning and we headed north to their family Thanksgiving. Tons of food was eaten, laughs were had and games were played- pretty awesome Thanksgiving they have going on up there! The next night J's mom and sister threw me a bridal shower with his family! It was awesome! Tons of great stuff and, again, great laughs... all in all, a great holiday celebration!
Saturday night I met up with the girls from college. Met them at Macaroni Grill and shared a glass of wine while they finished dinner. I laughed so hard I almost wet my pants, which was pretty must standard for the rest of the evening. I had thought about driving home because I was not feeling up to party par, but 10 minutes with the ladies and I knew it was a night out in Cinci. Went shopping and got a HOT top (red tank with silver sequins all over it!), borrowed a pair ofLizzie's jeans, throw in some new dangling earrings and I was good to go. I will post pics when I get them.
The night began at Liz's with some drinkage and then off to the bar. I won't lie. When I walked into the bar, I was a little dissapointed, it seemed, well, less than hopping. I was reassured that as the night got older the club would be all the rage. Got hit on by 22 year old, who, we admitted, were surprisingly smooth for being so new on the bar scene (minus the one with the open button up- nos hirt on underneath- are you kidding me?!). I will say that I feel bad for men who approach my friends and myself. As these young men found out after the approach. They sat down after Lee and I went to the bathroom and when we returned I did look at the one young buck who reached his hand out to me, "Yeah. You're in my seat." Then they proceeded to tell us that another club was "retarded"- which is apparently, a good thing? Who knew?! Laura is ignoring them completely at this point, as our table is now the eye candy of the bar, with a group of men surrounding it, and Liz looks up and says "Yeah, that place is chachy. We're not going there." I believe a "Have fun at your retarded club" was thrown in for effect at the end there. Poor boys.
Met up with another friend and her guys as the club really started to pick up. Had my standard dance off and assisted in avoiding the sketchy men who can't dance and continue to attempt a grind on me. At one point I did turn around and hold up the ring, as I'm known to do when I'm out. Follow it up with a "And he will kill you" line and bam. Works 90% of the time! Broke some hearts, in spite of the fact that I was COVERED in sweat. Literally, I was slick. My hair was nasty, but as I looked around most of the people were covered in their own sweat at this point, so I felt less nastified. Danced the night away- literally, had a song sang to me by a guy we know who has the most amazing voice I've heard in person. Also a phenominal dancer. And straight. And, if I'm being honest- a bit of a hottie. The girls and I refer to these guys (and this one in particular) as the "if I were single" guys. Which is why you keep them around as friends- especially when the sketchy guys at the club don't get the hint- call in If I Were Single reinforcements! It's always a good plan. Plus, then they'll sing to you. And what gal doesn't love that?
We left the club and rolled home to Liz's where we partook in some pizza, laughs, drunk text messenging back and forth and just a little bit of drama, which needs not be broadcast to the world. I had no idea what time I passed out, all I know is that I was probably laughing when I did.
All in all, a great end to a great weekend.
Except I think I'm sicker now than I was before. Was it worth it?
Oh yeah. :)
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Thievery At It's Finest...Yep. Stolen from Kiki... someone needs to steal from me now, just to add to the insanity...
smoked a cigarette- yeah... drunkenly.
crashed a friend's car- One night in college all of my friends were drunk and I was sober (yeah I know, right?!) and I had to drive us to Sunshine Cafe... and I hit a dog. And took a huge chunk out of my friend's bumper. In my defense it was icey and that dog came out of nowhere. My friends told me he walked away... my friends lied.
stolen a car- Uh, no ghetto.
been in love - Si. (that's Spanish for yes).
been dumped- Even though I, much like Kiki, rock as a girlfriend, yes, I was dumped. It sucked. I bought a bird to get over it, even though I hate birds. It totally didn't work. We got back together, and the next time- I was the dumper. Take that.
shoplifted- Unfortunately when I was a kid, I went through this phase...
been fired- I was told once to seek other employment- but it was because I reported Child Abuse on someone... yeah. I got fired for being moral. Wow.
been in a fist fight - When I was a kid I used to beat up the boys. But not really. I can verbally throw down like whoa.
snuck out of your parent's house - Negative. I was/am a good girl.
had feelings for someone who didn't have them back- Who hasn't?
been arrested - Almost- but thank GOD no.
gone on a blind date - Negative
lied to a friend- I'm sure I have.
skipped school- Yeah... in high school this one teacher let me go shopping with my friends all the time, so long as I brought him back a coke. I think he thought we were hot. Looking back, I'm fairly positive.
seen someone die - No- I don't think I could deal... I'm fairly emotional...
had a crush on one of your internet friends - I truly don't think so... except for all my awesome blogging buds... ;)
been to Canada- Yah... one of the many family driving trips.
been to Mexico - No, but I've been to NEW Mexico... which is WAAAAY better... Hello? It's NEW!
been on a plane- Oh yeah.
purposely set a part of yourself on fire- Again, no.
eaten sushi- Like, multiple times a week... :( It's sick really... I eat it SO much...
been jet-skiing- Nope, but I'd like to!
met someone in person from the internet- Well, I started to say no, then I remembered that my friend Jessica and I started talking via internet, but I feel like it doesn't count because we share real life friends...
been moshing at a concert - noooooooo. I don't like to get hurt.
taken pain killers- HOLLA! Get it gall bladder disease! And fybro! Yes. I've taken many.
loved and missed someone- Um, we're gonna go with a big fat YES on this one... and if you didn't know that you obviously don't stop by here much.
made a snow angel- Aw! Yes! I love playing in the snow!
had a tea party- Prolly as a kiddo. I'm real dumb like that.
flown a kite- Yeah. That's how I celebrated Easter on year in Central Park.
built a sand castle- But of course!
gone puddle jumping - Um, wtf? Like, I am sure as a child I splashed in them (and by child I mean yesterday) and I know I jump to avoid them as well...
played dress up- Yes, I have a vagina.
jumped in a pile of leaves- Yeah. I sort of really wanted to do that this year, but alas...
gone sledding- I live in Indiana - yeah.
cheated while playing a game- I'm pretty much the most competitive person alive, so... whatever it takes to win! (sad but true)
been lonely- sure
fallen asleep at work or school- Yah. Always at school, and when I worked at Kohls I used to make a bed in the backroom where I'd nap away!
used a fake id- Never needed to!
watched a sun set- I do enjoy a good sunset.
felt an earthquake - I don't think so, but one time they said there was an earthquake and I saw my computer monitor shake... so maybe?
touched a snake- Yeah, lots of times. I was always that girl who wasn't afraid, so I had to do it, eh, snakes don't bother me.
slept beneath the stars - Nope. Never even been camping.
been robbed- I had my purse stolen in 9th grade.
been misunderstood- Well sure!
petted a reindeer/goat - I like the use of the slash here. As if they are the same thing... like, "made out with a man/piece of poop?" Anyways... No on the deer of rein and yes on the goat.
won a contest- yah. I won Most Likely to be Famous. That's why I know I'm going to succeed... high school voting never lies.
run a red light/stop sign- yeah. And those bastards caught me with their sneaky cop cameras... damn them.
been suspended from school- Nope.
been in a car accident- Just little ones.
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night - Ohhhh bulimia...
had deja vu - I feel like I've been asked this question before... (OMG can you HANDLE this funny?!)
danced in the moonlight - nope.
liked the way you looked at least one point in time- Yeah, I clean up nice from time to time.
witnessed a crime - I've seen many a people doing some drugs- does that count? I also witnessed the purchase of crack cocaine... that was weird.
been obsessed with post-it notes - dumb.
squished barefoot through the mud- Yep. I showered in the rain before. And I squished all around the yard.
been lost- Oh yeah.
been on the opposite side of the country- I'll do you one better- I wasn't even BORN in this country.
swam in the ocean- Yeah, but I'm generally petrified the whole time I am.... like, seriously, I'm scared of sharks. I also don't like to look out at vast nothingness and be in that nothingness... bad things, man, bad. things.
cried yourself to sleep- Yeah
played cops and robbers - I'm going with a no on this.
recently colored with crayons - No.
sung karaoke- Dude, ALL THE TIME.
paid for a meal with only coins- ... yes...
done something you told yourself you wouldn't- Yeah... like eat... (as she puts her soup spoon down...)
made prank phone calls- Shirley Claire (my alter ego) has made many of person's life hell in Muncie Indiana.
laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose- Actually, no.
caught a snow flake on your tongue- Yes.
written a letter to Santa Claus - I don't remember ever doing so... but I caught on pretty early.
been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend- Sure thing! many times! I heart kissing!
watched the sun rise with someone you care about- Hmm... there was this one time in high school taht I stayed up all night at a party with this guy I LUVed and we watched the sunrise. He was real hot and we were a couple for that weekend. Turns out he had a girlfriend and I got back together with my ex. He still IMs me though. But other than that- I don't recall...
made a bonfire on the beach - No, but that sounds awesome!
laughed so hard you peed your pants- Yeah. I peed a little just now. Peeing your pants is funny.
cheated on a test- Yeah. Hence why I know NO Latin.
been kissed by someone you didn't like- Yeah. It's called Drunk at College. People have always loved to try to kiss me.
gone skinny dipping in a pool- I grew up with a house with a hot tub and pool... yeah... tons of nakedness in the H2O
Monday, November 21, 2005
Case and PointSo as I wrote an entry about wanting to be taken seriously and treated like an intelligent human being, please read the following scenario...
This morning when I got dressed, I realized I had forgotten to lay out socks. So In the dark I grab a black looking pair. I shower, dress, and leave for work, not even thinking about the socks I chose to wear to my law office. As I sit in my office a coworker (attorney) comes in and start joking around. We talk for awhile, and he leaves. I walk out into the common area where a group of coworkers are chatting. I get a cup of tea and sit down to join in on the laughs. Previously mentioned attorney says "So I saw these socks the other day- but I think they were for women. They said "I'm HOT" on them." We all laugh a bit, and I say "Geez what makes you think they're for women?" being sarcastic- as per usual. He laughs and looks down at my feet.
Only then do I realize I have put on the black socks my grandmother gave me for Christmas one year... the ones with hot pink trim and little flames, announcing in bold silver letters that I, am indeed, HOT.
Yes. And I wonder why people don't take me seriously?
At least I can laugh at myself... along with the rest of the office...
A Smart Girl's ThoughtsSo this weekend turned out pretty great. I woke up this morning content and ready to start the week. Stress begins (again) with my job, as the promotion is a for sure and the ball is rolling. With my impending absence coming up due to Josh's return it brings both excitement and nervousness... can I do the job? Am I destined to be completely clueless for the next months to come? Will my boss discover that the 20 year experienced shoes would be better filled by someone with, frankly, more experience? These are the questions that enter my mind daily. Of course all I can do is try my best- but what if "my best" is still lacking? Well, I'll just have to learn as I go, I suppose.
I get the most stressed out when I feel lost. Plagued by boyfriends early on who wanted a girl to be pretty but not smart- I played the dumb role as a teen. Ditzy and blond, hiding my intelligence behind vacant stares and lively giggles. I hate those girls. I was that girl. As I grew up, I realized how much I hated what I was pretending to be. I stopped playing the game. Which is probably why my senior year of high school was spent with a mix of friends from all walks of life. It was also the best year I remember from high school. But ever since then, I've found myself almost defensive about my intelligence. I'm sensitive to being treated like a simple minded female. I hate being talked down to, and most of all, I hate not understanding. I dislike having to have things explained to me, and I'd always rather figure it out on my own, then feel reliant on other people's abilities. I appreciate knowledge and I love surrounding myself with intelligent people- I just always end up second guessing my own abilities.
After I graduated college, I made the choice to continue taking classes, ala carte from a community college here in Indianapolis. I took psychology, wondering if it was a field in which I could thrive. Without the social aspect of school, I began to push myself academically, so much so that I set the curve for my classes, passing them with over 100% and enjoying every second of it. I'd like to go back to school- to continue down an academic road, but who knows where life will lead me.
I think being a theatre and dance major in college has made me more sensitive to others judgements of my intelligence. And I understand their teasing, of course. My favorite quote is "Theatre? OH! I did theatre in HIGH SCHOOL! What a FUN major." Or this one "Dance? Yeah, I took dance all my life." As if it's that easy. Admittedly, part of what drew me into my major was that I was good. And being 18 years old and deciding your fate- well, it seemed better to stick with what I knew. And I knew I could perform. A 4 year scholarship later and the deal was sealed. But it still gets to me every time someone says "A theatre major? What are you going to do with that?" Yeah, buddy, the same thing you'll do with that generic business degree. Get off me.
But now I've gotten sidetracked.
The point is, I find myself stressing out about the new job- questioning my own abilities, when deep down I have all the confidence in the world that I can do it. I just have to remind myself from time to time.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Your LipsI lost myself tonight.
Listening to music,
Annie Lennox to be exact,
I shut my eyes tights
and dreamt of you,
while I lay awake.
I longed for your lips.
To feel their familiar
presence on my own.
Pressed to mine
I Love Yous
in the night.
I'm desperate for your lips.
dance across my mind-
Twisted sheets and messy hair-
half-empty wine glasses
and Sunday afternoons-
leave me breathless
and missing you.
Your arms envelop me;
my protection in the night.
No one knows me
as perfectly as you.
And I know no one
I want you home
and I need you here.
And every night
I dream of
Friday, November 18, 2005
The Weekend AheadThe day has flown by, which is unusual for a Friday, and now I find myself trying to tie up the loose ends of the week. It’s cold outside and I can’t help but think about how excited my dog is when it snows. I definitely wish for snow this weekend- and I know all of you in Indy are hating me right now, but I’m just in too damn good a mood to care!
I talked to J on the internet yesterday for 2 hours and a little bit today- he’s feeling better- and coming home so soon it fills my dreams every night! I can’t wait to be able to not sleep alone anymore, and have a bed companion who doesn’t try to kick me out- as Eddie tends to do. I’m in the holiday spirit, despite my attempts to try to ignore the premature Christmas lights on houses, and the ridiculousness of the stores. The reason I love the holiday season is just being able to give myself over to it and enjoy the spirit of friends and family. And with J coming home so soon, I can’t help but feel as though I’m getting my Christmas gift a little early this year. My birthday, too, in fact!
I’m going to go serve "Thanksgiving" dinner by myself tomorrow morning at a shelter downtown. It’s a good time for reflection and helping others. My grandmother’s birthday is today- so I am taking them out to dinner and am more excited than ever to give her her gift. I bought it a few months back and when I saw it I thought of her. A Nativity (she collects them), beautifully painted, with verses from the Bible on each piece. I really think she’ll love it- at least I hope so. Saturday is full of more birthday with the extended family- I’ll bake the cake. I love to cook birthday dinners...
Seeing Harry Potter with my mother and my little brother on Sunday and it makes my weekend complete. Hopefully it will turn out as well as I have planned it-
What do you have planned?
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Score!So yeah. I am SO pulling a S.C. (posting tidbits throughout the day) today.
But oh well.
The bad news: Somehow I managed to miss a call from J today... how this happened I don't know since I ran with my cell phone at the gym, but I managed to do so. Leave it to me. :(
The good news: It's official. I have lost weight. The gym scale that hates me, sealed the deal today. 125lbs beotches. That's right. Damn. I love that. :)
I Think I Just Peed Myself A LittleWe've all been posting pretty serious stuff lately... so here's a little something for your humpday from The Family Guy, a.k.a. HOLY FUNNIEST SHOW EVER, BATMAN!
Peter (when he's hungover): This sucks worse than that time I went to that museum.
(Flashback to childhood, standing in museum looking at dinosaur skeltons.)
Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.
LOL. That Peter Griffin... soooo funny.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Aspects of Love (who loves Andrew Loyd Webber!)I was just reading through my daily blogs (see my Links) and I came across an entry by Kiki. After reading it, it got me thinking- especially after my observational post yesterday. The basic premise (although I highly encourage you to read it for yourself- Kiki is a great writer) is about whether or not many of us "settle" or really find true love. I thought I’d give my take on the subject.
I am a romantic. I know this about myself. I crave surprises and flowers and unexpected kisses. I watch chick flicks and I cry at the end of the "The Notebook." I love Valentine’s Day and Anniversaries and hearing the words "I love you" from the person I love. Having said all of this, I am also aware that romance is not just in "story book form."
It could be argued that romance is in the comfortable silence during dinner. It’s in the knowing what kind of pizza to order, without always having to ask. It’s in the acceptance that I don’t wake up wearing make up and that yes, I do, indeed, have gas from time to time. My body might not be the perfect size Zero (or DOUBLE Zero, which I only recently found out exists) and that maybe sometime his hairline might recede. Love is in the comfort you find with your mate- in those nights when it’s okay to just sleep- and in those nights when sleep is the last thing on your mind.
Movies today make it seem like every day is a fairy tale- and that’s just not the case. Every day is every day and finding the person you love to spend those days with, is, well, the best thing in the world. Nickolas Sparks writes books that makes me cry- but all the while I’m reading them, I have the knowledge that they are Fictional. They take me to a place that doesn’t exist. And when I see glimmers of that place in my every day life- I know that I am lucky. Flowers arriving at work, more kisses than I count, always having a hand to hold, and wearing the most beautiful ring I could have imagined- that’s romance.
I realized after posting yesterday, I might have seemed a little skeptical about love and partnership- and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am more in love than I have ever been and every day I wake up with the knowledge that I couldn’t be happier (minus the whole Iraq separation thing). I think that "true love" does exist. I can only say this because I think I’m living it.
And it’s awesome.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Dating and MatingLately my friends have all seemed to want to discuss the subject of marriage. Of course with my wedding being but only 5 months away, it makes sense that this might be something that pops up from time to time in conversation. Last night I had a long talk on the matter with an ex. His plans to marry are pretty much nonexistent and he doesn’t see that changing. Which is, of course, another solidifying reason of why he and I could never have stayed together.
But there are a lot of those, so we’ll move on.
The biggest comment I seem to be getting from people is the old "One person for the rest of your life" thing. To most of my (male) friends, this seems to be terrifying. The thought that you are making a commitment to this one person, through thick and thin, sickness and health, blah blah blah seems to send them running, tail between their legs, into the safetly of Bachelordom. Of course there is nothing wrong with being single. Single is great. Single is fun.
I take great comfort in the fact that I get to spend the rest of my life with this one person. Knowing that I am done- done with the games, the confusion, the waiting by the phone, the hoping he’ll call after the first time, the where-do-we-stand talk, basically the crap of dating- makes me breathe a sigh of relief. It was worth it to go through all of that- it’s brought me to where I am today: content with loving this one person and knowing he loves me back. It’s definitely better than the whole drunk make out and random hook ups that come along with Single and Looking.
My ex called me out on my flirtatious nature, questioning if once I become Mrs. J, am I going to change completely, becoming a different person- instead of the "Cool girlfriend/fiancé" become the dreaded "Ball and Chain." My outgoing personality and carefree attitude is often mistaken as flirting. I’ve argued this for years. I informed him that the title of Wife doesn’t mean my I have a lobotomy on my personality. In all honesty, first of all, I am truly not flirting 90% of the time. But even if I were- is there anything wrong with the innocent flirt? Just the same as I expect that J still finds other women attractive, I, too, am not deaf and blind to every person I come into contact with who is not my fiancé/hubby. I doubt very much that anyone can truly say that they only have eyes for their mate. It’s in the actions that makes it good/bad/skeezy. And attraction to someone else does not lessen your love for your partner. At least in my opinion.
So anyways, just thought I’d throw these thoughts out there and see who agrees/disagrees with me...
Any thoughts world?
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Lunchtime "Rules"Everyday I face the same quandary... What to do on my lunch hour? I pretty much "brown bag" it every day (and yes, I have finally given up on the Special K diet- too boring for this gal), so going out to lunch is both unnecessary and, frankly, expensive. People in my office do not generally go out to lunch together. We order in for special occasions, but generally, the thoughts of group lunches out, well, they just don’t happen. However, dining alone doesn’t bother me. Obviously, it’s not as entertaining as dining with a companion, but there is a part of me that finds dining alone refreshing.
Whenever I eat with a partner I feel compelled to order in a certain manner. I follow the cues of others, if all the women order a salad, then I, too, jump on the vegetation wagon. Dining with the opposite sex has always less than enjoyable. When I would first begin to date someone, the pressures of being "feminine" all crept up. And even though I know that most men will say they like a woman who will actually eat when on a date (yes, guys, I know this) my head still told me to order light. Always the small portion- dressing on the side- oops, er, I mean, light dressing on the side (I detest light dressing)- grilled please, nothing fried- and of course, most importantly-never finish the meal. These are the "rules" that would always pop into my mind.
I can’t recall the exact moment the "rules" made their appearance. I used to order what I wanted, even if it was the Frisco Melt at Steak N Shake and at 1am. But somewhere between Full House and Sex in the City, The Rules became my code of honor. My personal Gospel. I remember a boyfriend joking with our friends as I finished the large salad I’d ordered "Damn girl, take it easy. No one wants the fat girlfriend." He was joking, of course, and even though my feelings were hurt and he tried to apologize ("I’d never say that if you really were fat") the damage was done. I began to look around at what the other girls ate on our group dates (come on, we were 16- it was always a group). Small salads, bagels, soups, or the ever present HALF of anything on the menu always graced their plates, so I began to follow suit. Somehow these eating patterns found their way into dinners with everyone, even those who were "just friends" and to this day there are certain people I know I will follow The Rules while we dine.
Despite all of The Rules I followed, deep down I have always had this secret love affair with food. Memories are governed by where I ate rather than what exactly I saw. I thought of about food all day long- what I would eat, if I was eating. Where I would go with friends and what I would order. Although I tried to eat to live, inside I was always desperately wanting to live to eat. Dining alone became a treat. My one time I could order what I wanted, in whatever portion size I felt like. My secret food outings became what I looked forward to, even over an evening out.
When J and I began to date, I knew I had found a kindred spirit in my secret love. We went out to eat, ordered appetizers, entrees, tried each other's food, shared in the joy of a great find. We truly love to eat. And although both of us know we have to indulge this love in moderation, he is one of the only people I can eat confidently in front of, knowing he will never judge me for cleaning my plate (even though I tend to stop when I'm full- a good habit I learned and kept). His eyes hardly react when I order something fried, or when I'm desperate for pizza or Chinese food. Eating with his family is like eating with my own- always enjoyable, and always fun. I've never felt the need to hide my love of food- or to down play that, even though I am a girl, I have an appetite and a palat that wants for more than vegetables.
It's a great thing that I have this bond with J- especially since I intend on eating my meals with him for the next 50 years. Maybe even more- we've got good blood lines! I still enjoy dining alone, for the simple fact that it's the closest I get to "me time" anymore.
This entire entry has drifted from it's original subject of trying to find out what people do on their "lunch hour"... I hope none of you follows The Rules, because, honestly, they pretty much suck.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
New Kid in TownOn another note: please check out one of my best friends... she just joined up! And trust me, you'll love you some Katie.
That Time AgainLast night it began...
the Annual Sick.
Now I am at home- wanting so deperately to raid the fridge because I feel like poo- but knowing that if I do, it will only make my life all that worse.
damn this Sick.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
What's Going On
So as of lately the stars have not been aligned for good posting. First things first, without getting to very specific about my work (hello? Fired much?) I have been moving in my office. Not far, mind you, but moving nonetheless. So part of my workday has been spent transferring everything from one desk to another. Now I am at my new desk. A better location for sure, there is only one little issue.
And there it is folks. I. Hate. It. It is awkward to type on and I see few benefits. So I did what any hard worker would do.
I ordered a new one. That’s what I’m talking about.
So, in other news, J’s return is so close I can’t even believe it. I find myself in the familiar feeling that I had this summer before his midtour leave... Complete and total emotional exhaustion. The fact that this long year apart will soon be over is amazing and I can’t express the joy I feel when I think about it. But at the same time, I am filled up with anticipation and nerves and sometimes I can’t keep it in any longer and it all comes pouring out. Just thinking about being able to pick up a telephone and talk to him is amazing. I haven’t made a phone call to him in a year. That is insanity. This weekend I spent time with his parents and his dad and I were going through pictures. I was struck, again, by just how handsome he is and how much I love him. And then I cried. Because that’s what I do. I hate every second that tears stream down my face, but, try as I might to hold them in, I am never successful.
But again, that’s me.
So, all in all, that’s what’s going on in my life. I have my first bridal shower this month over Thanksgiving weekend with Josh’s family. I can’t wait!
So that, folks, is what’s going on.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Pieces of Me (and not by Ashlee Simpson)an older poem, but thought I'd post it anyway...
I had a dream about you last night
with my eyes open and my heart closed.
You were repeating all the lines
from the play we rehearsed
but never concluded.
But my script has been thrown out
and the vault of our memories sealed tight
with the tears I cried over us-
Wasted water when so many thirst.
I wanted to bash a crowbar through the dream.
Shatter it like a mirror:
make it reflect a broken me.
I examine my twin,
pushing the pieces of her together.
She's a skeleton of who she used to be.
A Nicole Richie wannabe
dressed in the clothes of success.
A different woman that she was before.
and i can't help but wonder
if you passed me on the street
would you recognize my scent?
Thursday, November 03, 2005
A Messy DaySo let’s all acknowledge that I have complete writers block. I’ve tried some writing prompts, but to be honest, I must not know a great website to find them on- because currently I’m getting prompts for third graders. And I know at times I can certainly embrace my inner third grader, but I’d prefer not to write like one.
On a different subject, today has been my messiest day ever. Like, I honestly don’t recall being this messy since my finger painting days, or the week I took up ceramics (it didn’t last). At some point today soy sauce found it’s way down my (khaki) pants legs. Yes. Plural. Both of them managed, at separate times, to encounter the soy sauce from my sushi. My energy drink dripped down my top. Then a coworker offers me one of her french fries. (And yes, I know it’s not on my diet- get off me). I agreed, dipped in some ketchup and BAM. Ketchup crotch.
Which is, admittedly, hot.
In spite of my messy appearance, it has been a good day, and I do thank god that all of this additional decor was added post court this morning... "Good morning Judge ________, allow me to introduce you to my lunch..." Now that would have been as impressive as ever, (especially considering that I still fumble and stumble and feel like a twelve year old girl when I am in court as it is- there’s something about a Judge that just makes me nervous). Work went smoothly and I managed to get my desk completely cleaned off. And as I typed this statement our receptionist just put a fax on my desk.
Oh well. My day is over. I hope everyone else had a nice day- hopefully yours was cleaner than mine. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a more interesting post- apologies for the mediocrity all!
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Bree and MeSometimes when I am bored I go online and take quizzes... You know the kind- "What’s Your Personality Profile", "What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?!", "Which Desperate Housewife Are You?." I’ve taken that last quiz multiple times- and different versions of it. One might wonder why so much effort is being put into finding out which fictional character from television I am most like. I guess it’s because the answer always surprises me.
I am... Bree.
When I first sat down to take said "test" I scoffed. I am SO Susan. Romantic, clumsy, always finding herself in a mess but trying her best to make ever day- that’s me. I knew the results before I hit "Next" to reveal my true nature. I was wrong. Fluke, I thought to myself, deciding at that moment to take the test over again- perhaps I hit the wrong button- maybe I skipped a page- maybe the test just spouts out different results each time- who knows, but I was determined to see Susan’s face pop up on my screen. Time after time, I saw Bree’s firey red hair and perfectly put together ensemble. I moved on to a new test where, again, my results were with Bree. This sparked me thinking...
I guess I am a lot like Bree. I project a persona of a woman who is completely in control of both herself and others (only you, my dear blogging buddies know the truth!). I am always polite, and I am mortified when those around me or not. I expect to be treated with the respect I show to others. I hate rude service/cashiers/servers/customer relations of any kind. I am attentive, even when I could care less, purely because it’s appropriate to be so. I take great comfort in the rules that govern our behaviors and the formalities that go along with them. I’m a great hostess- I enjoy cooking, and at times, I actually can enjoy cleaning (when I have the time to do a good job). I’m great at holding it together- to the point where others have misinterpreted this strength as uncaring (which couldn’t be further than the truth- I just don’t like people to see me cry).
After realizing all of these similarities, I was pretty distraught. Is this how I want to be perceived? This "bull in a china shop" reputation I have carried with me through the years- is that really who I am, or is it the person I want to the world to see? Which, again, brings me back to Bree. But I then I realized something else... Even with all of these qualities that some might deem as "fake" I am still the same girl who took a shower in the rain. I’m the girl who cries to herself when certain songs play on the radio- even sometimes when, *gulp*, people are around! I’m adventurous and enthusiastic- even when I don’t want to be- and by the end, I usually end up having the time of my life. I’m Most Likely to Be Famous and Most Likely to Succeed. I love with all of my heart and can debate for hours on the issues I am most passionate about (and trust me, there are tons).
The truth is, I am not one hundred percent anyone but me. And that has to be okay, because there’s nothing I can do to change it.
And, moreover, I like who I am- the Bree-part and all.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Chance Encounters of the Worst KindI shared a moment with a rapist
while I waited in line for pizza
I recognized him by his hair-
which is red-
like the blood of my best friend
he left behind
He held my gaze
searching his memory vault
I looked away
and broke our connection
while the butterflies vomited
in my stomach.
I was no longer hungry
and the thought of food made me sick
like the sight of his mouth-
He watched me walk away
and I turned for one final look.
His eyes were still there-
waiting for their date with mine-
trying to recall the memory
of our circumstance...
And I couldn't help
but wonder how many other women
shared the same look with this man
since the summer of 99.
Meetings like this make me want to scream.