Monday, January 09, 2006

Moody Blues

Lately I have been feeling a bit down.

Not sure what it is- separation, stress, worry, the winter blues, or just the monthly cycle that is my PMS. I find myself on the verge of tears, the littlest things pushing me to the edge and just a mere glance in my direction sends me tumbling over, clutching for anyone to pull me back up.
When I get like this the best thing that I can do is hole myself up in my room, listening to sad music and write. That way I am only unleashing the ridiculousness of my sadness on myself. It’s stupid. It really is. I cry because I feel lonely, when I know I will be on a plane, heading to see the love of my life in just 3 short days. I get huffy when I end a conversation before I want it to end- just to see if the other person begs me to stay on the line. I tear up when my planned sushi dinner turns into grilled cheese and soup- and I love grilled cheese.

My deepest fear is that I will only push people away with my bad mood- annoy them and cause them to not want to be around me- or worse- not want me. I am terrified of losing those I love and when I get in moods like this- I know I am difficult to love back. I get needy- I hate needy. I feel weak and vulnerable- like a puppy showing my pink underbelly.

J is wonderful. He tries and he deals with all my stupidity with a grin and only the occasional raised voice in frustration. He tolerates me on tearful days like these, and even says he still loves me. I hate making him feel as though he has hurt my feelings- the facts are that my Diet Coke could hurt my feelings on days like this. I love him for making me laugh- and for always answering the phone, even when he knows I’m going to be a pain.

He’s the best- and I’m not just saying that because I love him- I’m saying it because it’s true.

I’m going to visit him this weekend- thank goodness. It’s only been two weeks, but I still miss him. I know once this mood passes, and especially once I am there with him, I’ll have to make up for being such a bitch the last few days. I plan on doing so- but how can you ever show another person how much you love them and appreciate them?

By not being a pain in their ass- that’s how.

I think I'm going to try that... :)
posted by Kellie @ 3:17 PM |

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