Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Within

I am on a diet again.

Dieting has become such a way of life for me, I wonder if there is ever truly a time when I am not on some sort of diet, or at least watching what I eat. I tried on the wedding dress this weekend and thank the Lord,

it fit.

It took a load off of my mind like you wouldn't believe.

Many people have asked me if I know where the obsession about my weight came from. Truth be told, I really don't know. I grew up with two parents (grandparents) who loved me, and they told me so every day. Normal family skeletons exist, as they do everywhere, but I learned pretty early to keep them tied to the back of the closet and to hang happiness over them. No one really taught me this- it's just something I picked up along the way.

When I entered therapy for my E.D. I had an amazing counselor. She was a recovered anorexic and she had a way of making you tell the truth- even when you didn't want to. She made you love her, despite the fact that she made you weight backwards, to keep track of your weight, without you knowing The Number. Carrie. She was great. We worked together, trying to find the root- the source- of the problem.

I have no true memories before the age of 6 years old. I think this is pretty common, at least it seems to be among my friends. No one remembers their first day of kindergarten, or the first time the tooth fairy came. I consider it a blessing to not remember the first beating; the first signs of abuse.

My mother's second husband was a horribly abusive man. 18 years old and saddled with two children who were not his, and no I'm not making excuses- just saying. He was young- he was messed up- he should not have been, I take that back- he should not EVER be permitted around children. He was abusive to me and my little brother- but, as I've been told (no memory,
remember?) I took the brunt of it all. We moved to grandparents after the trial and after my mother divorced him. She was trying to clean up the mess that he created, and we were trying to heal, too. The deal was that eventually we would move back- but that day never came. I love my mother- she tried her best- and she knows that my grandparents gave us more than she would have been able to- and they protected us in ways she hadn't.

Some say abused children develop eating disorders. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if something I can't remember can effect Adult Kellie.

I'm sure I'll never know, but I can't let that hold me down.

I refuse to.

At times I wonder how much of our past influences our today? I have found it has it's way of sneaking up on us when we least expect it. Carrie's theory with me was that I learned early on that I had little control over my life. And the typical excuse you'll hear from people with Eds is that food is the one thing that they can control. Part of me agrees with this. And then there is truly just a part of me that is terrified of gaining weight. It has little to do with control, and everything to do with picking up magazines and wanting to be beautiful like the women I see in them.

This is my truth...

I want to be beautiful and thin. I want to be lovely and smart. I want the room to energize when I walk in and I want people to whisper "who is she" as I breeze by. I want to be kind. I want to be engaging and intoxicating. I want people to think of me when I am not there- and to think of only me when I am.

I have always had significant others. Ones who loved me, no matter how thin or fat I was. 65 pounds ago I was with a man who loved my every curve. He relished in the fact that I was curvacious, large chested and, for once, I actually had an ass. He loved it. But I hated it. And once I lost the weight he confessed to me that as much as he had loved my curves (which I gained while we were together), he had been a bit embarrassed that his girl was the fat one. The chunky girl at the frat parties with a pretty smile and long hair. So I learned, again, that even though I'd found someone to find me attractive, even at my heaviest, the fat was still unbecoming. And, most of all, I was not who I wanted to be.

Now J says he loves me, loves my body, and even my imperfections. He promotes health and fitness and encourages me to go to the gym, knowing that my happiness with myself is the most important thing. Admittedly, because J is so active, I worry that he won't be attracted to me if I gain weight. I'm scared that he will cease to see my beauty. But I know this is all in my mind. J know this too. He is kind and he puts up with the tears over an extra 5 pounds, and he encourages me to have another piece of sushi, even though I've had more than my fill. I want to be beautiful for myself- and for him. I desperately want to be the most beautiful bride- to make him proud to be marrying me.

I just have to keep reminding myself that beauty truly does come from within.
posted by Kellie @ 11:21 AM |

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