Friday, February 03, 2006

Choices

Last night I got together with my girlfriends for our weekly meeting. We meet under the guise of watching to OC, which we, of course do (it was substantially better last night), but the most important part is being able to catch up and to laugh. And the wine... There's always that, too.

Last night was great. Learned of a friend's pregnancy (twins- holy crap), laughed a lot, made dinner with Mandi and fell in love with carbs all over again, and picked up some bridesmaid dresses (Super cute!). It was time well spent- and I love nights like those.

J is prepping for job interviews up in Chicago. It makes me nervous and excited all at once. Like the butterflies in my stomach are drunk, but that "I might puke drunk"- not a horrible feeling, because hey- you're drunk, but still... Not entirely comfortable. I want him to get an amazing job, but the thought of having to leave mine for a move- terrifying. Mostly because I hate disappointing people, and my leaving would be a huge disappointment. I am the queen of confrontation when I have nothing invested, or when I'm angry, but other than that- when it's going to hurt- it dread it.

The bigger question becomes what do I do if we, in the end, have to move. My friend, Hanna, and I had this conversation last night. She is facing a potential move and everyone in her life is encouraging her to write... Full time. Such an exciting possibility, but, in the same way, scary. Depending on your skill, and others objective opinion of it, is frightening. I felt the same way when I was working as an actress. I was working, which makes me lucky, but knowing that I could very well be out of work for quite awhile burst my balloon and brought me back down to reality rather quickly.

I want to do so many things... I'd like to go back to school. I want to write. I'd like to teach. I want to sing. I want to be an incredible wife and an even more amazing mother. I want to make a difference- an impact- a mark. Sometimes I wonder if a move would be my kick in the ass. Perhaps I need a wake-up call to jolt me out of my comfort zone and make me take some risks.

I'm envious of those to choose to do so: the people among us who follow their desires, no matter how difficult a road it may seem. The only thing I am sure of right now is that I know no matter what path I may decide ultimately to follow, I will have the best support and company in my husband. And that should make the choices easier.

Or, at the very least, a bit more fun.
posted by Kellie @ 9:18 AM |

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