Monday, May 22, 2006

No Babies For Me

After three glasses of red and a pregnancy scare/dissapointment later I post...

I say scare/dissapointment because when 4 days of thinking "what if I am..." goes out the window, there is that distinct part of you that cries a little inside. The part that smiled at the baby clothes in target and admired the selection in Motherhood Maternity. The part that talked about named with the husband and felt guilty enjoyed a glass of sake with a friend in town for the weekend. It's always a little bit of a loss when you are snapped back to reality in the bathroom of your home.

I'm not ready for children. I love them. I adore children. Other peoples, strangers, friends, any kids. Love 'em. I would have been a great step-parent because I embrace all children and try to love them as best I can. But I know in my heart it's not time for me to have my own. And that's okay. I want the years of spending time with my husband. Of vacationing together just the two of us. I want our biggest responsibility to be the dog and where to kennel him, rather than choosing a Disney cruise over mad passion in the Greek isles.

So why does seeing a rattle bring the misty eyes?

I've always been secretly afraid that I won't be able to have children. My medical history as it is... it would only seem fit. 2 sugeries before the age of 22, one muslce disease, 2 eating disorders, and all of the other randomness that has infected my health... I worry about my fertility. I've asked doctor after doctor if there should be an issue and then assure me "no." But in my heart I worry. It's a stress I couldn't handle- losing a child. A baby already made inside of me... No way.

Not this gal.

Nope.

I was enlightened with my last job- with adoption. If there ever were to be an issue- I know there is another way. Even when I had to assist in my job- to care for a baby for a few hours to a few days before the adoption could take place- I fell in love. This child was going to become someone else's baby. It would only know its parents. Its adoptive parents. Parents. To be a parent is more than to give birth it's to be there for your child. To shower a parental love on that child- unconditionally- forever. To guide that child into it's life and to help. nurture and care for. That's what it means to parent.

Someday I'll be that parent- whether it means I'll give birth- who knows. But I'll parent like none other and love until it hurts.
posted by Kellie @ 7:46 PM |

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