Thursday, August 24, 2006

Gotta Get Out Of This Place...

As I feel tears stinging my eyes, I put aside all of the work that I desperately need to be doing to update in my blog. Ridiculous tears, but I can't wish them away. So I sit in my office behind a closed door and gain control again.

For whatever reason I don't seem to "click" here. In this firm, in the town, in this day. I feel an insecurity that I have never experienced before. I have always had this inherent desire to be liked. At first, I didn't think I was actually DISliked. I suspected apathy. New kid on the block etc. Lately, however, I have began to feel otherwise. I hear hushed voices outside of my office. Secretaries gathered in the kitchen whispering gossip that I don't know about. Only lately have I began to wonder...

Is it me they're talking about?

In the bathroom a few moments ago I could detect hushed voices and only a work or two: "she". Not that I would be the only "she" around this place. But I seem to be the "she" who's not in the loop. I emerged to see a gaggle going into a paralegal's office. A paralegal that I feel confident in saying does not like me. The door was shut behind them and I was left alone in the hallway wondering.

The tears sprung up faster than I expected and, embarrassed, I rushed into my office, shutting the door and, in turn, the world out. I don't know why I care. Why I care that people don't flounce into my office to tell me the latest and greatest. Why I care that I seem to be the odd woman out. Everyone tells me to "give it time" and that friendships don't happen over night. Which I understand. I get that. But, at the same time, I feel like I am not included so often, it starts to feel personal. I am thankful for the few friends I do have here, and I'm glad that not everyone seems to have made so many judgements about me.

I know I'm different. My friends are different. My lifestyle is different. Where I come from is different. But I'm willing to accept and to experience new things... why do I feel so written off?

I get the distinct feeling that J and I are viewed as "priviledged." Places we go, things we like, where we come from all add into this image. But I can't apologize for who I am, or who he is. And I think that if people took the time to get to know me, they may find out that I am not as black and white as they think.

What's hard is that there is nothing I can do, but try to continue to be nice and bide my time.

I am thankful for the friends have made here. They make my days more enjoyable. I just wish I wouldn't let the others influence my mood more.

On an up note, I called J and we're going to lunch. Even though I am exactly 10 lbs heavier this summer than last. Oops.

Going to Indy this weekend and the timing couldn't be better.
posted by Kellie @ 10:06 AM |


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