Monday, August 07, 2006

Home Sweet Home

It's one of those days when I'd rather be in bed. Turn on my fireplace (how ridiculous is that we never build fires anymore?), listen to the tea kettle grumble and soak in some Amazing Book. I want to wrap up in my husband's old blanket- the one that's seen more of the world that I have in my mere 25-going-on-26 years. It's got holes all over and it smells like my dog, but it feels like Home.

I miss home. I am only now beginning to truly appreciate how wonderful it is to be close to family. J is my world and my home, but there's something about dropping in on my relatives that just feels right. I can recognize that part of this is due to the fact that J is working every weekend this month. I work all week and then weekend comes and he's gone for his 12 hour days. More like 13. I know I shoudln't complain, but I can't help but wish we were in Indy. The families are close, the friends are closer and the job I loved is open. I know it seems confusing, as we were considering a move to Washington state. But with the military it all feels different... we had built in friends. Built in bonds. Built in common interests. I even find myself missing North Carolina. I miss my Beth. I miss double dates with her and Michael and baby Emma, whom we haven't seen in months. And even though we were far from "home" there, it just felt... more right. Somehow.

And living here just feels off. Like something isn't fitting. Like, I don't fit. I can't put my finger on why I feel this way, I just know I do. It's nothing to do with my marriage and nothing to do with J. I'm happy as a clam to be with him. I hate that I just used the phrase "happy as a clam," but whatever- I am. I love to be with him and spend out time together. But I feel like I'm inhabiting someone else's space. Living in someone else's city- because I know it's not mine. We're living in someone else house in a neighborhood where we're the round pegs trying to mesh into the square holes.

I keep hoping for a change- a change in me, like the change I'm waiting to see on the faces of the leaves. Maybe as the air grows crisp, I'll find my niche.

But for now, I could use a lazy day with my husband and my dog.
posted by Kellie @ 11:15 AM |


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