Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Maybe this and Maybe that.

Only recently have I realized how very much I have changed, and, moreover, am trying to change. We all try to make big changes, but for me, it’s been some of the little ones that have impacted me the most. For instance, the urge to join in gossip is strong. I feel compelled to throw my 5 cents in (I always have more than 2). I want to be a part of the group. Be accepted. A “cool” kid. I hate the feeling of loneliness, and although I am blessed to be married to my best friend, sometimes I just need my girlfriends. I hear group chatter and, at times, entertain the thought of joining in. But despite these urges, I am trying to be a better person. Not that I was all that bad to begin with, but a generally better all-around person. Putting someone else down no longer makes me feel better. It’s embarrassing to admit that it ever did. But a good base of insecurity mixed with peer pressure and I fell into the trap.

It’s amazing to me, however, that this attitude I had back in my teenage years can be carried into adulthood by others. I hear them talk and I feel like I am back in the cafeteria, laughing too loudly to make myself feel okay. I listen to their comments… I wonder if the Golden Rule ever even enters their brains. We all have things that could be picked on.

We are not perfect.

We all have our tender spots, as soft and pink as the underside of a pup. Try as we might to hide them from the outside world, they exist and reveal themselves daily.

Flaws.

Imperfections.

Humanity.

Why do people feel compelled to exploit these blemishes?

This question has been on my mind a lot lately.

Maybe since I’ve made the decision not to participate anymore in this chipping away at others, I’ve grown super-sensitive to others actions.

Maybe I’m just missing my girlfriends, who support, rather than tear down.

Maybe I’m just moody and maybe I’m pregnant.

My world is full of such maybes. But maybe I’m glad to be on this side of it.
posted by Kellie @ 11:28 AM |

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