Tuesday, November 07, 2006

My Best Friend's Wedding

I'm a bad friend.

After reading Greek Tragedy, I saw a situation that reminded me of myself. Stephanie had a friend pull a no-show for her recent wedding. It hurt her. Everyone who commented said the "friend" was worthless, awful and a few more colorful terms...

This summer my best friend from high school got married. The wedding was 2 and a half hours away and I RSVPed whole heartedly YES for two. I was so happy for her. Although we had grown apart, I still have a special place in my heart for her. We had once shared so much and meant to world to the other...

In recent years some slight drama had developed due to her husband's friend. Blah blah blah, in the end it amounted to that I could not really spend time with her anymore because the friend would be there and it was more than awkward and awful. I called her and suggested meeting for coffee, which we did once. When I heard about the engagement I called her immediately. I asked her to dinner and she said she'd call me back.

My phone never rang. It was my fault, too. I should have called. I should have stepped up and sucked it up and dealt with the situation, rather than hiding from it. I let time and distance accumulate because I was selfish and wanted to be comfortable and had "put the ball in her court." Which was really just my excuse to say I was "trying." One phone call does not constitute as trying. Not even a little. Months went by and suddenly it was wedding time. I called her a few months before the wedding, to check in and see how plans were going. I could feel the distance in her voice. We'd let the space go on for too long and now we were not committed to working through it. She got off the phone relatively quickly and we said our "I'll call you soons" like you say to random people from high school you see in your hometown. Exchange numbers you'll never call. When I hung up, I knew that we'd never be close like we were. She was moving to California with her husband and I knew we'd lose each other.

When the wedding came up in conversation, J was not so keen on going. I knew I should go, but when J did not feel well the night before and woke up sick that Saturday morning, we never left the house. I thought about her at 4:30 and knew the service was starting. I felt like crap. I should have gone, even without J. The day was not about me- it was about my friend. And instead I sat at home, nursing a sick husband who could have taken care of himself.

I didn't call. I sent a gift, of course, but I never picked up the phone. I reasoned with myself... she'd be on her honeymoon... moving... maybe she didn't even notice I was not there...

Yeah right.

I wonder how she felt looking at my empty chair. I know she was so happy on that day, marrying an amazing man and looking beautiful because she always does. But I feel like I put the final nail in ending our friendship while sitting on a couch watching National Treasure.

I got a thank you for the gift. The card was signed with "Love." But I still feel guilty and I think I always will.

Now the number has probably changed and I don't know what I'd say if it wasn't. So, instead I'll blog about my best friend's wedding that I'll never be able to see.
posted by Kellie @ 11:20 AM |

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