Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Candy HeartsI've heard a lot of people recently discussing the day of love. By this, I DO mean Hallmark love, but love nonetheless.
I've heard a lot of people discuss how they no longer celebrate V-day with their husband/wife/lover/friend with benifits/ and any other label we think of to call our current relationship. People talking about the Hallmark holiday and how you don't need one day to tell that someone special that you love them... I do agree on these points...
But is it bad that I love Valentine's Day? I love getting flowers. I love going out for a romantic dinner. It gives us all an excuse to think of ways to be romantic- an excuse that most people need because romance gets lost in the every day craziness that is life.
I love Valentine's Day because it brings people together. It's the day where my grandpa tells my grandma to pick out whatever chocolates she wants and he'll buy them. Maybe not the most romantic moves in the world- but he does it because he loves her and he wants her to know it. It makes people remember to call each other- to send a card- to try to touch someone else's heart and sometimes, make it beat a little faster.
Last Valentine's Day I spent it with two of my best girlfriends. We ate heart shaped pizza and watched "The Notebook." We cried... a lot. I loved it. As cheesy and crazy as it sounds, it totally brought us together. Bonded in a love that girlfriends share- and isn't that was it's all about? the Love.
I'm being bombarded, as is everyone, with commercials that talk of the "perfect" gift, red and pink decorate our stores and even my email spam has caught on with promises of inexpensive gifts and flowers. The thing that gets lost in the hype is the fact that this is a holiday grounded in love- not in jewlry or flowers.
So, hopefully you will all be celebrating this February 14th- and I don't mean by buying gifts- I mean by remembering to show your love to those deserving in your life. And enjoy this Valentine's Day.
This being said- still buy her flowers.
She'll like them.
And This is Your Weekend UpdateApologies for my delay in updating from the weekend... As most of you know, I went to NC on, admittedly, a bit of a whim. Bought the ticket earlier last week, because being apart for another month was just not going to hack it between J and I. So I rolled down for a short weekend...
It was awesome. Got in on Friday night and we went to dinner at my fav place in Fayett-nam- 316 Oyster Bar. Oh man. So great. Ordered more food than I could eat- gorged on sweet hushpuppies (and I generally don't like hushpuppies- but there- amazing!) and oysters. Since it was late, we didn't go anywhere else that night- and J and I are NOT bar crawlers, so home it was!
Saturday we slept in a little (9), and then got up and got moving to enjoy our day. The weather was great- a little grey, but substantially warmer than the Indiana. Got new glasses, walked around the horrible mall, laughed about how horrible it is, ate some lunch, and generally had a good day. Saturday night was full of to-go sushi and movies On Demand.
Got up even earlier on Sunday and had some breakfast and went to Raleigh for the day. Hit up two malls for shopping, drove around, ate WAY too much goodness from the Fresh Market bakery, had a sickening snack/dinner of mushrooms and cheese fries at the only restaurant open that was near the airport. Sat in the parking lot of said restaurant for over an hour, talking, laughing, with a little "I Spy" thrown in.
Even though the weekend was full of normal, every day, activities- and all being spent in a town that both J and I hate, I was sat walking to my terminal. I wanted to turn and run back- to say screw it to adulthood and responsibility and jobs and life- and go back to enjoying every second with the man I love. To focus on the "now", instead of the "soon." But, of course, that's not how life really works and got on my plane and I went back to Indiana. And I am back at my job. And I am back in my day to day life that feels like it is dragging on so slowly- towards my goal of together and marriage.
I just thank god for cell phones- with great mobile to mobile plans...
Friday, January 27, 2006
Deep ThoughtsI can’t believe I am about to write this...
But, the O.C. is getting a little boring. Where’s the drama folks? Where’s the cheating, murdering, alcoholism, and scandal we have all come to know and love?
And frankly, come on. Seth having a drug problem? Yawn. Don’t get me wrong- I love Seth Cohen. If he were a real person, rather than the fictional anomaly that is he, I would so be all about that. That being said- can’t we think of something more interesting than Seth becoming a pot-head?
Then we have Marissa, or, as I like to call her, the World’s Largest Bobble Head. Bobble Head is filling the show with her usual bad acting, but, this season, she seems to be the main plot driver. COME ON! Bobble needs to have a little less drama and let it spread around amongst her friends. And she definitely needs to eat a pizza- or twelve- because she is way too thin.
Poor Ryan has been in the shadows of Bobble’s ongoing drama this season. When are we going to hear more about his love child that he has yet to know about? Where did his brother, the druggie/rapist that Bobble shot last season, run off to? And when is he getting a better hair cut? The questions are never ending with our lead man of mystery.
And finally, Summer. Much like the season, Summer is always a breathe of fresh air. I love her. She’s funny, she’s cute, she has great clothes (OH! AND WHAT WAS BOBBLE WEARING LAST NIGHT), and now, to top it all off, she’s smart! Summer needs to take over Bobble’s spot light.
And that’s all I have to say about that.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
You Rang?Okay, thanks for the suggestions folks... I shall now answer...
Anonymous: My best and worst personal Characteristic... Hmmmmm... I think my best personal characteristic is my ability to remain positive, when others are negative. I am pretty good and cheering people on and up. My worst personal characteristic is the ability I have to get down on my appearance... Same old same old, but I hope to one day be able to look into a mirror and like everything I see! I don’t even have to love it- just like it!
Rach: A DC adventure... I truly don’t have a ton... I mean, I worked at the Smithsonian, and nights at a bar- that proved for some quality adventures... like the time the man exposed himself to me. Yeah... So I’m working at The Sports Bar, which is just a skip down from the sister restaurant, which was a strip club. So, most of the guys would come to our bar first before going to the strip club and back to our bar after. And apparently they never got the memo that the same girls don’t work both places. So, aside from having to explain nightly that no, I would NOT be stripping tonight, I also got the experience the post-strip club Drunk Men. Said drunk men would fall over me on a nightly basis, and it all culminated in one night I man unzipped his pants, pulled out his (tiny) penis and told me to go to work. I told the manager, who explained that his buddy was just drunk. So I went to work- at a law firm instead.
Cheryl: Metaphorical pink elephant... oh... this one is hard... How about the time my roommates parents were visiting our house in college, a.k.a. "The Snatch Patch," and we were all sitting around when we noticed my roomie’s mom staring at something above our fire place mantle... And what she had feasted here eye’s upon, was a large double sided dildo that was proudly displayed in my house. Eventually the dad saw it, too, and we all sat in silence...watching a double dong, and no one bothering to explain.
Romey: What did my Barbie do... My Barbies were always in an orphanage... not sure why- it just was. And my Barbie was always a singer, wanting to make it big, but trapped in the orphanage. So they always had to run away. Oh, and my Barbies always had sex. Always. A couple would get naked and lay to one side on top of one another, while the plot continued all around them. Then Ken would leave her for another girl. My Ken was a happy doll.
Steph: I am glad that song reminds you of me... Not the pot part, of course. But those Indiana boys on those Indiana nights.... Oh yeah!
Walking: The short version is as follows... J and I met through my ex. They went to high school together and shared a mutual best friend. We started out as good friends, and eventually it grew into more. When I broke up with my ex, I pretty much already knew I wanted to be with J... For the long version read here.
Lucinda: Probably my most embarrassing moment was when I embarrassed all those around me.. I don’t easily embarrass and it takes a lot to redden my face. However, this was the worst thing I have ever said and when mentioned to this day, I get red and cringe... I was downtown at a nice hotel for my (ex) boyfriend’s fraternity formal. I should said that my ex was pretty easily embarrassed and part of our issues were that he was always nervous about what I would say. I have learned to think before I speak (most of the time) since then, but this was not an art I had perfected at this point. And we’re drunk. That needs to be said as well. Drunk. So it’s mostly the alcohol’s fault.... But anyway. So we’re sitting in the lobby area, having free drinks and there are about 6 couples. As we drink, some other couples join us- they are in their mid–thirties. We’re laughing. We’re joking. Some raunchy jokes HAD been told! And they decide to go up to their rooms... We’re saying our goodbyes and they are teasing our guys about having a "good night" (wink wink). One of our guys yells "YOU have a good night!" And then I decide it is the time to say, rather loudly, "Yeah! And put it in her pooper!!!!!" Silence. Everyone’s face went red. I wanted to die- and the older couples walked away, without even a good bye.
S.C.- Yeah... that’s why I’m posting this... plus it takes up work time.
Sass- Indiana for now... Well, I was raised here and then moved to Washington DC, and then to North Carolina, and then I came back home while my fiancé was in Iraq for the past year. Originally, when I started this blog, I thought he would be staying in the Army, so we’d be moving around. But, it seems that is not going to happen, so he is applying for jobs... We’ll probably remain in Indy, but who knows?! And I actually was talking about my beads when the pic was taken- I was in New Orleans, and had just come back from Bourbon Street! :)
C: Why am I not in Texas? Because it is way too hot there!
Casually: As far as petting on the first date goes, it all depends on the situation... You gotta read the signs... lol. Note: I hate the phrase petting- unless it’s in reference to an animal!
Thank you all for giving me ideas of things to write about... hopefully more inspiration will strike soon!
Oh! And just one more day until I roll out to NC again! I CAN’T WAIT!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Clear My HeadSo, in light of my more serious posting, I was wondering if any of you had any questions or suggestions for me to write about? Anything you want to know about me, my opinions on, etc.
I totally know that this is a cop out and I can't help that the block of the writer has struck again...
Monday, January 23, 2006
Can't Buy My LoveI am the queen of quick decisions.
You want something decided quickly, without even the use of an old fashioned coin toss? I'm your gal.
Today, when I was coming back from the gym, I called J for the 4th time today (we're still getting used to having this whole "phone" thing). We talked for a few minutes and then he said it. He tempted me.
"Want to fly down this weekend?" He inquired. I sighed.
"That costs money, baby." I say. I hear his smile over the phone.
"I know." I can literally hear his grin- I can picture it- it infects my mouth and I find myself smirking as well.
"Wel... I can look and see how much the ticket would cost." I offer, knowing in my heart that I'll purchase the ticket faster than I can type in www.expedia.com. I look at the tickets and start to think. And then BAM! Decision made. Think about it later. Act now.
So, as of 3:00 this afternoon, I am $300 poorer.
But I am taking a weekend to see my soon to be hubby- and that is all that matters.
And they say you can't buy happiness...
Mean GirlsRecently a question was posed to me- "What is the meanest thing you’ve done?" I had to think about it. And, although I’m not proud, it sort of inspired this post...
Ever since high school I was a part of a "clique." In high school it was because I was insecure. The clique built a barrier- a wall of protection. High School was a breeze. I can’t recall ever being teased, picked on or made fun of in any way but good natured. I am sure this is not true. I’m positive that people disliked me and I am sure they mocked me, but it was all behind closed doors and out of my earshot. I was a Mean Girl, in a rather random group. I surrounded myself with other Mean Girl- a group of girls with sharp wit, scathing tongues and beautiful exteriors- these were my protection. Not the cheerleaders, but that that didn't matter. They were the queen bees in my circle- and I was one of them. With the exception of my best friend, Shannon, these were the girls I chose as my friends. Somewhere along the way I went from the "nice" mean girl (a.k.a. the one who didn’t poke the fun- but didn’t stand up for anyone either) to a tormentor, efficient in the art of breaking down another girl. Although I felt a sting inside of me when I saw a girl cry because of something we said or did, it didn’t stop me.
I remember a girl named Leah.
She was behind us in school and I had never even spoken to the girl, until the day my friends were convinced that she had given us a dirty look. They looked to me. I had somehow become the leader and they were waiting on my move. I stood up, filled up with their faith in me, and somehow proud of what I was about to do.
The guys at our table started laughing "Ooooooh shiiiiiit." They cackled.
The show was about to begin. And the unsuspecting star was Leah.
My two girlfriends joined me, and we walked over to her direction. Somehow Leah must have gotten a whiff of what was coming to her, because she got up and attempted to duck into the lunch line.
"Hey." I called out. My friend smiled. She glanced my direction, but continued to walk. "Hey." I said again, a little louder this time. We heard laughter from our table and suddenly the entire cafeteria was watching- waiting- for whatever would happen next. She continued to ignore us.
"Hey you blond bitch." I said loudly.
"Ooooooooooooh!" The guys yelled. I remember turning and smiling at them, and my boyfriend shaking his head at me. I ignored him and waited for Leah to turn. She did, of course, eyes already starting to brim. My girlfriends laughed.
"I’m sorry, what’s your name?" My blond friends stepped forward. Leah puffed up.
"None of your business." She said, trying to be tough, balling her fists, as if she were going to fight us. I had never been in a fight in my life, and the prospect of it was a little nerve racking. It didn’t phase my girlfriends. These were girls who had honed their skills since elementary school. They had popularity down to a science. They looked at me. I took the cue and turned to her table where she had been sitting.
"Excuse me. Does anyone know this girl’s name?" I asked smiling. They were quiet at first. My other friend stepped in and focused directly on one younger boy.
"Do you know her name?" She purred. She was the most beautiful 17 year old I have ever seen. She looked like snow white- honestly. Dark hair, large eyes, perfect skin. She could wrap any man around her finger and this boy was no exception.
"Uh... Leah." He said looking down.
"Thank you." said my friend, her eyes turning towards Leah. Leah stepped into the cafeteria line, and we stepped in directly behind her.
"What are you getting, Leah?" I asked smiling. She didn’t answer me.
"It’s rude not to answer, Leah." Said my blond friend. Leah looked away and grabbed a bagel.
"Do you really think you need that, Leah?" Snow White asked, making a disapproving noise. Leah put it back. I picked it up and placed it back on her tray.
I won't make you hate me any more with the details of our bitchiness... We tormented this poor girl as she made her way through the slow line. We made fun of her hair, her big nose, her clothes, her body- anything we could. After she had purchased the bagel we walked back out to the cafeteria, where our audience was waiting. I reached out and slapped her tray out of her hand, sending everything crashing to the floor.
"Oops." I said smiling. She bent down and began to pick up her food, flushed and teary eyed. We turned to talk away.
Snow White turned as we walked "Leah- don’t ever look at us like that again." She threw the words at her and we continued to our table, to our friends with their expensive clothes and their meals of pretzels and water. We laughed and went on as if nothing had happened. My boyfriend shook his head at me, but was smiling. "You are such a bitch." I smiled.
Somehow that was a good thing.
Everytime we saw Leah from them on we called her names. We punished her every day for, at most, a "mean look" in a crowded cafeteria.
I saw Leah after we had both graduated from high school. She was in a coffee shop with some people I had known. She wouldn’t even speak to me. I didn’t blame her.
There are a million other incidences just like that one. Times when I cared more about being a shark in the social pool, than being human. I cared more about what my friends thought about me than how I made other people feel. I hate this in other people, but more so, I hated that it could exist within myself.
We’ve all done mean things, and I can only hope that someday when I have children, I can teach them about the Golden Rule. But if they do fall short, which I am sure most do, I hope that they, like me, put to bed that part of them and let their kindness show through the insecurities.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Done and DoneShowed up at 8:30 this morning again.
Took the test.
New picture- not as great as yesterday's would have been- but whatever. I was so over it.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Cute Shoes and the DMVThis morning was supposed to be a good one.
Note the phrase "supposed to be."
After traveling to visit J last weekend, it was brought to my attention that my drivers license had expired. DOH! Luckily, after being prodded, poked, searched, blown (yes, as in, put me in a little room and blew air at me to analyze my particles) and herded through security, I was allowed on the plane. Apparently, I am, oddly enough, not a terrorist. Who knew?
But I digress. So this morning I had my plan. I was getting up early, getting pretty and going to the DVM to take the hottest damn license picture that the good State of Indiana had ever seen. I showered. Did a hot oil treatment on my hair. I lotioned knowing, as every woman knows, that somehow my good scent would influence my beauty. I blew my hair dry, using the bane of my existence (a.k.a. the round metal brush I am always clumsy with) to make my hair full and beautiful. Pink turtle neck sweater with just the right bra and black slacks, super cute funky boots (and yes, I know they can’t see my feet in the picture) completed my look. Make up was perfect, delicate silver earrings. Yes, indeed, this was going to happen. This was my year.
My original drivers license picture was, to say the least, bad. Sixteen and not realizing the importance that this picture would have, I left my glasses on (stupid move), wore a baggy sweatshirt and had done nothing with my long curly hair, except pull it half back, as I tended to wear my hair every day in high school (think Felicity, that was me). I didn’t even get the chance to smile! SNAP! It was done. And I was stuck with a deer in headlights ghetto superstar picture.
After I turned 21, I knew what I wanted. I got dressed up, had the right make up, and, although the jewelry I chose did, admittedly, look a little hoochie, at least this time I was wearing some. The picture was fine. For about 6 months. Then I began to lose weight again. 60 pounds later my drivers license is the running joke of all my friends. I also am repeatedly asked for other forms of ID, and there is just something not cool about taking your Social Security card out with you. I don’t think it’s extremely safe either.
So this year I was excited. A picture that actually looks like me, and, hopefully, looks like me on a good day. As I got to the DMV the parking lot was empty. Granted, I had arrive unexpectedly half and hour early. I sat in the parking lot until the doors were opened and we entered. I was helped right away.
A woman shouted at me, pointed to another lady sitting underneath a huge sign stating, as one could guess, "6". I took a seat. She smiled a kind smile and I breathed a sigh of relief. As we all know, the ladies of the DMV are not known for their friendly nature.
"I need to get my license renewed." I stated, handing her the old one. She looked at it, did a double take, then proceeded to work on her computer. "I’m a little late." I said, making idle chit chat. "If I hadn’t been traveling I would have probably forgotten completely." She looks at me like I am an idiot.
"You need to take a written test." She says. My stomach tightens. I swallowed- hard.
"Um, okay." I mumble, wondering why exactly I have to take this. I start thinking through things in my head I was not prepared for a test. No way. ‘Calm down,’ I told myself. ‘You’ve been driving for how many years now? 10? You can take a sill test they give 16 year olds.’ I breathed in. She must have sensed my apprehension. I think the ladies of the DMV, much like a dog, can smell fear.
"Did you want to come back tomorrow to do this?" She asked. I shook my head, a little too hard.
"No, I can do it now." I smiled, displaying my greatest talent- false confidence. She smiled a knowing smile.
"Well, okay then." We sat in silence then as the test printed.
"I wasn’t really expecting a test." I admitted. She nodded, then shrugged. More of an "I’m sorry" shrug than an "I don’t give a shit" shrug, although I suspect she meant it to mean both.
A freshly sharpened pencil, a desk meant for a teeny bopper, and I was ready to go. I read the first question. My heart was racing, my stomach was tightening and my breathing was shallow. I hate tests. No, that’s not entirely true- I hate tests when I am unprepared. When I have studied the material, I could test all day. I love the feeling of knowing. Knowing the right answer. Marking it on the test and moving ahead.
This was not that kind of test.
"When exiting off the interstate and driving over 50mph, how far ahead should you signal? A) 50 feet. B) 100 feet. C) 200 feet or D) 300 feet."
‘How far is 50 feet?’ I wondered... I looked around the room, trying to judge where I would signal to exit. I sighed and moved ahead.
"When driving on an Indiana Rural road, what is the maximum speed limit, if not otherwise posted? A) 35 B) 40 C) 50 D)55"
Double shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
This was how the test went. I was allowed to miss 6 questions out of the first 36 and then 2 out of the last 20. I finished and quickly counted. Ones I knew was clueless on... Damn. 5. Ones I thought I maybe might know... Damn again. 3. The odds were not in my favor. The next section. I was iffy on 3. Again, not good odds.
I took the test to a different woman, the one I caught staring at my boots earlier. I smiled. She smiled. I handed her my test.
"All done. Harder than I thought." I said, trying to make her feel some pity for me. She nodded.
"Usually people study." She said in a tone I couldn’t quite recognize.
"I didn’t know I had to take it." I admitted, still standing there nervously. She began to grade. I tried not to stare. She looked up at me, then out at the chairs. "Oh! Okay, I’ll just sit over here." I said laughing. She nodded, checked out my boots (again) and went back to grading.
I sat, fighting the urge to watch her and count her red marks on the test. I looked down, glancing up occasionally. She watched me watch her. I looked down. ‘They are nice boots’ I thought to myself, trying to get lost in something else. I was lucky to find them at Designer Shoes Warehouse. Cheap they were not, but I’m not a huge fan of Uggs, and these were comparable in price, but much cuter in the looks department. I remembered how I had almost gone back a number of times to get them, but something had held me back (yes, that something was my checkbook). Luckily for me, my birthday rolled around and I received them the day my license expired. They’re black, with tan and entirely fur. Laces go up each side and tie in the front. They are super cute. Very cute. Possibly the cutest boots that I have ever...
"Kellie." She said, looking exasperated. I jumped up and walked over, heart pounded and tears threatening.
"Well..." I said. She smiled from ear to ear. I knew it. I had done it. I had passed!
"You’ll need to take the test again tomorrow." She said dryly. My heart sunk. Had I heard her right? Had she been smiling at my failure? "You did fine on the last section, but in the beginning you missed 7, and you can only miss 6. Sorry."
"Oh come on!" I said, without actually meaning to speak it out loud. She smiled again. I wanted to punch her in her boot ogling face. I sighed. "So tomorrow?" She nodded.
"Just keep coming in until you pass." She said smugly. I wondered how many real tests she had taken in her life. I gathered myself up and started to walk away. I turned, trying to hold onto whatever amount of dignity I had left.
"May I have a study guide?" I asked politely. She shrugged (I hate shruggers) and handed me a copy of the Indiana Driver’s Manual. "Thank you." I said, turning to walk away again.
"Mame?" She called out. My heart skipped a beat. Perhaps she had mis graded! She noticed her error and was calling me back to take my picture, my beautiful picture I had been preparing for. I turned, smiling.
"Yes?" I asked.
"I’m sorry... but where did you get those boots?" She inquired, leaning over to admire them closer.
Lips pursed and annoyed and more than a little embarrassed, I muttered "DSW" before pushing past the line that had formed behind me to find my way out of the dreaded DMV.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Despite the fact...Depite the fact that it has been pouring down rain
despite the fact that said "rain" will turn to snow by tonight
despite the fact that I am hating the extra 5 lbs on my frame
despite the fact that my office is a ghost town
despite the fact that I picked today to wear heels with no hose (and it's going to snow)
despite the fact that I feel too tired to work out
despite the fact that J is, as always, miles and miles away...
I am in a good mood.
That's a lot to overcome folks. Yes, my feet are a bit chilly, and in a little under an hour I will be sweating my guts out running at the gym (and I hate working out). I dislike winter and love spring and this Indiana tease that we do every year continues to fool me. My boss is MIA due to weird sickness, and my job has been less than demanding of me. The odds are certainly stacked against me to be having a good day, and yet, somehow, I am.
Due to the lack of business (what's up- why is no one having a baby lately?), I have found myself a lot of free time. Usually I would use this time to dork around on the internet, blog about being bored (yes, I am aware I am blogging now- get off me), make some annoying phone calls to J to interrupt his ever so busy day (sarcasm should be noted), and basically waste time away until the clock strikes 4:30 and I roll out. Instead I used today to try to get some wedding goodness taken care of!
I spent the day emailing friends to get their mailing addresses, and, in turn, got to catch up with the people I miss daily. My friends are scattered across the country and, depite my New Year's resolution to keep in better contact, I tend to go days, then weeks, and then months without so much as a text. I am trying to do a better job this year- to make sure those I care for understand they are important to me, and today was a nice step in the right direction. I got news of a new boyfriend, two break ups, many sexcapades (by far the best stories), new jobs, babies, more sexcapades, and a lot of reminising.
It was great!
Plus, I have compiled a ton of addresses for my list, so I can begin to address the envelopes.
All in all, a great day! Now I am getting ready to leave to hit the gym and get a much needed work out in before dinner this evening. American Idol starts tonight and I expect everyone to watch so that we can all mock the auditionees tomorrow.
The OC started a new time slot- one that sort of makes me sad, because now I have to drive over to meet the girls at 8:30, rather than 7:30 and thus getting me home much later in the evening. Aye me. Such is the life of the OC club. Oh well.
Hope everyone is having a good day!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Weekend UpdateI had a great weekend. Minus, of course, the hopeless game I subjected myself to viewing yesterday (sigh)... But other than the Colts loss, it was truly a great weekend! I got into North Carolina on Thursday night and got home last night around 9:30. It was awesome. The trip came at just the right time- J and I had not seen each other for a few weeks, and I could feel the crazy overcoming me. We had a great time the entire weekend. I loved being able to spend all of my time with him again- even if it was in Fayetteville, which is just about the most ghetto city I know.
We went out to eat a few times, and he made me dinner 2 nights in a row! I helped him clean the apartment and we watched movies and played (one game of) Risk (before I was so angry over losing that we had to quit- it was a draw...). Nothing out of the ordinary- but life was as it should be! :)
I am trying to talk him into coming to Indy in two weeks. I hate this waiting game of him just having to sit in North Carolina until March, when the army gives him the official permission to leave. I visit again in February, which is way too far away, but, at the same time, after that visit, we barely have any time before he is here in Indy with me- for good. That part is key.
I keep getting this feeling that there is so much I need to be doing for the weekend that I am not doing yet... I need to get on it. But I guess I don’t know what "it" is. I just wanted it to be time for the wedding. I want to be married. I want to be looking for a home with J and our dog. And I want to be on a plane heading to Sandals Bahamas for our honeymoon with our oceanview suite. :) These are the things I want.
And they will be happening so soon I can barely contain my excitement!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
WithinI am on a diet again.
Dieting has become such a way of life for me, I wonder if there is ever truly a time when I am not on some sort of diet, or at least watching what I eat. I tried on the wedding dress this weekend and thank the Lord,
It took a load off of my mind like you wouldn't believe.
Many people have asked me if I know where the obsession about my weight came from. Truth be told, I really don't know. I grew up with two parents (grandparents) who loved me, and they told me so every day. Normal family skeletons exist, as they do everywhere, but I learned pretty early to keep them tied to the back of the closet and to hang happiness over them. No one really taught me this- it's just something I picked up along the way.
When I entered therapy for my E.D. I had an amazing counselor. She was a recovered anorexic and she had a way of making you tell the truth- even when you didn't want to. She made you love her, despite the fact that she made you weight backwards, to keep track of your weight, without you knowing The Number. Carrie. She was great. We worked together, trying to find the root- the source- of the problem.
I have no true memories before the age of 6 years old. I think this is pretty common, at least it seems to be among my friends. No one remembers their first day of kindergarten, or the first time the tooth fairy came. I consider it a blessing to not remember the first beating; the first signs of abuse.
My mother's second husband was a horribly abusive man. 18 years old and saddled with two children who were not his, and no I'm not making excuses- just saying. He was young- he was messed up- he should not have been, I take that back- he should not EVER be permitted around children. He was abusive to me and my little brother- but, as I've been told (no memory,
remember?) I took the brunt of it all. We moved to grandparents after the trial and after my mother divorced him. She was trying to clean up the mess that he created, and we were trying to heal, too. The deal was that eventually we would move back- but that day never came. I love my mother- she tried her best- and she knows that my grandparents gave us more than she would have been able to- and they protected us in ways she hadn't.
Some say abused children develop eating disorders. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if something I can't remember can effect Adult Kellie.
I'm sure I'll never know, but I can't let that hold me down.
I refuse to.
At times I wonder how much of our past influences our today? I have found it has it's way of sneaking up on us when we least expect it. Carrie's theory with me was that I learned early on that I had little control over my life. And the typical excuse you'll hear from people with Eds is that food is the one thing that they can control. Part of me agrees with this. And then there is truly just a part of me that is terrified of gaining weight. It has little to do with control, and everything to do with picking up magazines and wanting to be beautiful like the women I see in them.
This is my truth...
I want to be beautiful and thin. I want to be lovely and smart. I want the room to energize when I walk in and I want people to whisper "who is she" as I breeze by. I want to be kind. I want to be engaging and intoxicating. I want people to think of me when I am not there- and to think of only me when I am.
I have always had significant others. Ones who loved me, no matter how thin or fat I was. 65 pounds ago I was with a man who loved my every curve. He relished in the fact that I was curvacious, large chested and, for once, I actually had an ass. He loved it. But I hated it. And once I lost the weight he confessed to me that as much as he had loved my curves (which I gained while we were together), he had been a bit embarrassed that his girl was the fat one. The chunky girl at the frat parties with a pretty smile and long hair. So I learned, again, that even though I'd found someone to find me attractive, even at my heaviest, the fat was still unbecoming. And, most of all, I was not who I wanted to be.
Now J says he loves me, loves my body, and even my imperfections. He promotes health and fitness and encourages me to go to the gym, knowing that my happiness with myself is the most important thing. Admittedly, because J is so active, I worry that he won't be attracted to me if I gain weight. I'm scared that he will cease to see my beauty. But I know this is all in my mind. J know this too. He is kind and he puts up with the tears over an extra 5 pounds, and he encourages me to have another piece of sushi, even though I've had more than my fill. I want to be beautiful for myself- and for him. I desperately want to be the most beautiful bride- to make him proud to be marrying me.
I just have to keep reminding myself that beauty truly does come from within.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Turning TidesToday is definitely a new day.
I have a new computer- dude, I got a Dell!
Sorry, bad joke.
Anyway, new computer, which makes me very happy- and motivated to write and work the nights away, rather than be the reality television bum that I tend to become.
The weather is certainly far from beautiful, but thankfully the grey is not wearing my down anymore. I leave in two days for a long, relaxing, happy weekend- and I can't wait! I am glad that my mood has shifted- and my motivation is pushing me to work ahead- therefore eliminating potential hatred next Monday for taking a (nother) day off work.
Finished "Good in Bed" last night and began "The Lovely Bones." Different books completely, and although "Lovely Bones" is nothing to shirk at, Jennifer Weiner just has a way with words that keeps me coming back again and again. She speaks to every woman out there and I feel as though she is a kindred spirit. However, the new books certainly was hard to put down- so I'm not knocking it. Just sayin'... Jennifer Weiner rocks.
So I guess the point to this pointless post (I love alliterations) is that I'm in a great mood.
Hope you are too!
Monday, January 09, 2006
Moody BluesLately I have been feeling a bit down.
Not sure what it is- separation, stress, worry, the winter blues, or just the monthly cycle that is my PMS. I find myself on the verge of tears, the littlest things pushing me to the edge and just a mere glance in my direction sends me tumbling over, clutching for anyone to pull me back up.
When I get like this the best thing that I can do is hole myself up in my room, listening to sad music and write. That way I am only unleashing the ridiculousness of my sadness on myself. It’s stupid. It really is. I cry because I feel lonely, when I know I will be on a plane, heading to see the love of my life in just 3 short days. I get huffy when I end a conversation before I want it to end- just to see if the other person begs me to stay on the line. I tear up when my planned sushi dinner turns into grilled cheese and soup- and I love grilled cheese.
My deepest fear is that I will only push people away with my bad mood- annoy them and cause them to not want to be around me- or worse- not want me. I am terrified of losing those I love and when I get in moods like this- I know I am difficult to love back. I get needy- I hate needy. I feel weak and vulnerable- like a puppy showing my pink underbelly.
J is wonderful. He tries and he deals with all my stupidity with a grin and only the occasional raised voice in frustration. He tolerates me on tearful days like these, and even says he still loves me. I hate making him feel as though he has hurt my feelings- the facts are that my Diet Coke could hurt my feelings on days like this. I love him for making me laugh- and for always answering the phone, even when he knows I’m going to be a pain.
He’s the best- and I’m not just saying that because I love him- I’m saying it because it’s true.
I’m going to visit him this weekend- thank goodness. It’s only been two weeks, but I still miss him. I know once this mood passes, and especially once I am there with him, I’ll have to make up for being such a bitch the last few days. I plan on doing so- but how can you ever show another person how much you love them and appreciate them?
By not being a pain in their ass- that’s how.
I think I'm going to try that... :)
Friday, January 06, 2006
Productivity Vs ProcrastinationProductivity builds boredom; at least in the workplace.
Procrastination is not conducive to a great working environment either.
The best employees simply know how to manage their time. They do just enough to keep themselves looking efficient and busy, without overdoing it (which creates the opposite effect for the following day). There is a thin line between being overly produtive and being a procrastinator. Some know how to walk that line so well, and I, admittedly, am desperately trying to master their skill.
I find myself constantly falling prey to the first work ethic- I come in and I try to make sure I leave a clean desk behind when I walk out that day. I file away paperwork (aka give it to the girl who files), and even put all of my pens and pencils back in their proper place at the end of every work day. I organize neat little stacks of notepads, even sticky notes, so that my office at least appears to be in perfect order- even if my mind is not. Then the next day I come in and start all over again. This plan can only work for so many days in a row, then, the inevitable happens... I have a slow day. A slow day should be used for catch up. For checking back up on things, making sure the projects for the next few days are in order, touching base with clients. But, I’ve already done all of those things in trying to leave my clean desk. So then I sit, fearful that anyone might know that I, Kellie, have... gulp.... nothing to do. Those dreaded words uttered in any office create tension, especially when fellow co-workers are busy portraying the cliche` chicken sans head.
Now, I’m not saying that I don’t have my days. Days where I can see issues that need to be addressed, but, for whatever reason, I know are just not going to happen today. There are days when I listen to my voice mails, knowing that the call back will happen... eventually, but not right away. The days when my pager goes off, and I look at it and groan- not wanting to work (this usually happens around the 1:00am point). But, all things considered, I tend to try to get my work done as quickly as I can. This is mostly due to the fact that I hate, and I mean hate, to feel stressed. Pressure is like a noose tightening around my neck- and although I work in a field where time is of the essence, I find that if everything else is already taken care of, and I only have one case that is time sensitive to work on, life for me is generally easier. I like to take my time. I like to be able to think. I like to be able to figure out my next 3 moves before I make the first.
You’d think I’d be amazing at chess. Alas. I’d be better if I played more, but I hate playing games where I continue to fail. It stresses me out. And, again, I hate stress (I also hate losing).
Today is a TGIF for sure. Glad to have the relaxing weekend here- I have no plans other than catching up on some reading, perhaps writing, and sleeping (a lot). And as annoyed as I am that I am now a bit bored at work, there is definitely an upside.
I actually had time to blog.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Year in ReviewJanuary 2005- I returned to Indiana on January 1, cried myself to sleep almost every night, got hired by my law firm, missed J all the time.
February 2005- Celebrated Valentine's Day by eating pizza and cheesey bread with Jody and Mandi and watched the Notebook... and cried a lot again, began some soul searching and made the decision to stop drowning my sorrows in alcohol at bars and parties with my friends.
March 2005- Got pulled over for driving while intoxicated, got out of it, really made the decision to stop going out.
April 2005- Soul searching continued and made the decision to make myself write... since i wrote NOTHING in the month of April and a crap ton in the month of May- I think this one worked! Oh. And I saw Ashlee Simpson. And no, I'm so not kidding...
May 2005- Shaun and Kristi got married, I started to deal (really) deal, again, with my eating disorder (see multiple blogs), I missed my girlfriends from college and made an effort to catch up.
June 2005- Jana got married, Jenny's bachelorette party, picked out my wedding bands, freaked out about J coming back for his midtour, started training for the first promotion, loved working with Rachael.
July 2005- J WAS HOME FOR MIDTOUR, my dad died (while J was home for midtour), J went back to Iraq. I cried.
August 2005- State Fair, I learned how much I loved line dancing, I began preparing for my favorite season- sans J.
Septembter 2005- BSU homecoming, I actually began to buy Christmas presents, was in full force in my new position and preparing to move up again, Liz visited Lee and I in Indy.
October 2005- Started wondering where I want to be career-wise in the next 5 years, J got the bronze star, spent Halloween with the family and had a great time!
November 2005- started training for my new position, began preparing for J to come home, served Thanksgiving at a shelter, shared Thanksgiving with my family, went to Ohio with J's for their Thanksgiving, had my first bridal shower, and saw the girls in Cinci.
December 2005- J came home for good, my birthday, Christmas at home with J and the family and then with his family, J back in town for New Year's, spending New Years together... loving my life.
There you have it... my year in review... I am sure I left some things out... next year will be an amazing one.
I'm thrilled it's begun.