Thursday, May 25, 2006
The Best Times I'll Never RememberAfter being inspired by someone I love dearly, I've decided to forgo the drink.
Yes, that's right. Me. Kellie. No drinking. I understand the shock.
Without going into insane and, moreover, embarrassing detail, the facts are that I drink too often. And I drink too much when I drink. It had been on my mind before, but after talking with this person that I love as much as I love family, it was like God was stepping in and showing me that there's more. I am not the girl I am when I am drunk. It's not me. It's this crazy person who throws fits and yells and cries until the sleep comes. The next day is full of red-faced embarrassment, apologies, and horrors of having to ask someone else what you said or did. There's nothing worse than hurting those you love, all because you had one, or five, too many drinks.
It's amazing how it tends to invade my mind now. Thinking about NOT drinking. It's crazy. In the past, I thought there was the possibility of a problem. Too much. Too often. Dizzy nights and foggy mornings. That was college. And, to be honest, it's what all of my friends were doing. Not to sound so after-school-special, but it's true. Skip class to have beer, take shots before the party- just in case the alcohol ran out, and begin in the morning on the weekends. It all seemed so... College. It seemed like what to do. But after 4 years of it, it's hard to make that switch into the Real World.
Now here we are. So many others my age, trying to get control of this monster we created while "just having fun." Eventually, it becomes a way of life, more controlled- sure, but a way of life nonetheless. We are barraged my images of sexy and "cool" and most of them involve a drink... or five. Think Cosmos- Sex in the City, right? Right. Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte. They live these glamorous lives, right? Expensive shoes, explosive sex, amazing clothes and fabulous parties. But, in the core of each woman, is an inner loneliness. And I think many others feel this way, but drown it in one more drink and shared kisses with strangers in another's apartment. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying.
But I realized that I am a stronger person than Drunk Me. I'm happy. I have an amazing life. It's normal and stable and a tad on the boring side, but I like it that way. I like who I am- sober. But I don't like who I become drunk. That's the key for me.
I was contemplating scenarios last night when I couldn't sleep. Thinking about when it might come up... Dinners with family, bars with friends, New Years... New Years. It would be amazing to have a New Years where I actually REMEMBER the New Year instead of either being passed out already or praying to the porcelain gods of the bathroom. I'd like to be sober next New Year.
So this is my statement. My embarrassing confession to the "world" that I'm not so good with the alco-mo-hol. I feel ashamed to say it, but excited to live the way I want to live.
Monday, May 22, 2006
No Babies For MeAfter three glasses of red and a pregnancy scare/dissapointment later I post...
I say scare/dissapointment because when 4 days of thinking "what if I am..." goes out the window, there is that distinct part of you that cries a little inside. The part that smiled at the baby clothes in target and admired the selection in Motherhood Maternity. The part that talked about named with the husband and felt guilty enjoyed a glass of sake with a friend in town for the weekend. It's always a little bit of a loss when you are snapped back to reality in the bathroom of your home.
I'm not ready for children. I love them. I adore children. Other peoples, strangers, friends, any kids. Love 'em. I would have been a great step-parent because I embrace all children and try to love them as best I can. But I know in my heart it's not time for me to have my own. And that's okay. I want the years of spending time with my husband. Of vacationing together just the two of us. I want our biggest responsibility to be the dog and where to kennel him, rather than choosing a Disney cruise over mad passion in the Greek isles.
So why does seeing a rattle bring the misty eyes?
I've always been secretly afraid that I won't be able to have children. My medical history as it is... it would only seem fit. 2 sugeries before the age of 22, one muslce disease, 2 eating disorders, and all of the other randomness that has infected my health... I worry about my fertility. I've asked doctor after doctor if there should be an issue and then assure me "no." But in my heart I worry. It's a stress I couldn't handle- losing a child. A baby already made inside of me... No way.
Not this gal.
I was enlightened with my last job- with adoption. If there ever were to be an issue- I know there is another way. Even when I had to assist in my job- to care for a baby for a few hours to a few days before the adoption could take place- I fell in love. This child was going to become someone else's baby. It would only know its parents. Its adoptive parents. Parents. To be a parent is more than to give birth it's to be there for your child. To shower a parental love on that child- unconditionally- forever. To guide that child into it's life and to help. nurture and care for. That's what it means to parent.
Someday I'll be that parent- whether it means I'll give birth- who knows. But I'll parent like none other and love until it hurts.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Are we there yet?So I started using this new hair product.
Yeah, it's going to be one of those posts...
This hair product- by John Freida- is called a color glaze. It's supposed to add a subtle hint of color with each use.
I decided today that this "glaze" is not for me. I use it and after each use, I rush to the mirror to see my beautiful "glazed" hair. I blow dry. I tilt my head to the light hits it juuuuuuuust right. There! Is that it? Is this a glaze? I'm tempted to jump back in the shower- wash, rinse and glazing the day away. I need more immediate results.
It's a theme that runs my life. I weigh myself after I work out- just to see if I might have already lost a pound or perhaps even 2! I use a new face product and expect blemishes to disappear in hours. I drink cognac like it's a shot and I always order appetizer because I just can't wait. I want things now. Hurry up and get them before they get away.
I think that's what has been in the back of my mind about my new surroundings. A new town where I know no one- I'm desperate for friends. But not just the normal run of the mill friends. I'm desperate for call me when you're already on your way to my house friends. Friends who hold up a shot glass and scream at the top of their lungs "FUCK YOU BENNY" friends. Line dancing, state fair loving, can't stop shopping at Express friends. Friends who will go to a Chinese buffet with me and don't judge me when I eat three plates of food (get off me- one is always dessert). Friends who order beer at 11:00am with their salads. Friends who say "I love you" "You're amazing" and "I miss you."
Then I realize that those friends are not going to be found, because they already exist. And no matter how far away we are, I know they're there, living in different cities, different states and on different coast. They're beautiful and incredible and I'm lucky to have them.
I need to visit. Ugh. I hate travel. I just want to get there.
Shocker, I know.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Married in the SuburbsWhenever I watch Sex in the City, it inspires me to write. Probably because Carrie is a writer and poses the same questions that I think all of us women tend to ask ourselves... It makes me focus back on myself, my relationship, my life, my goals and, most of all, my friends.
There is a part of me that is jealous of my single girlfriends. Now, before J reads this and begins packing my bags, I just mean a PART of me. The part that loves going dancing, drinking pretty drinks, talking to even prettier men and spending way too much money on shoes and clothes. The part that misses candy corn and pumpkin parties (and wine- always with the wine) when one of my girlfriends (and myself) got dumped, or screwed over, or was doing the screwing. Drinking cosmos from a cheap martini glass and then moving on to cheap beer once the buzz got going. Parties and kisses and beautiful people. Jumbo margaritas followed by too many chips and salsas and enchiladas that always made me sick. Or was that the margarita? Who knows. I remember the bathroom of Puerto's all too well. I look back on my "single" days through rose colored glasses.
Where did that girl go?
Now I'm sitting in a room with too many boxes. Hair short and unkept because I didn't bother to shower today due to working in my yard. My nails are au natural- due to the fact that they got in my way when I was typing, and it was truly getting expensive to keep them. I've traded in my vodka tonics for the occasional red wine, which tends to give me a headache, but I drink it anyway. In the background, the noise from my television blares, because I forgot to turn it off, and now am hounded by the fact that I need to do so... You know, electric bill and all.
There. Back. Better.
I have a dog asleep on a gold sofa that has more throw pillows on it than I can stand. When no one is here, I push them all on the floor (which hasn't been vacuumed in over a week) and lay on the couch with an old, stained pillow, under a blanket with more holes than baby swiss. My life has changed so dramatically in the last 3 years. When I think back to the way life used to be, I realize one huge fact: this is where I wanted to go. I wanted to be this girl I am now. I was chasing this dream. I wanted to be the girl in the kitchen. The one who's singing at the top of her lungs, taking breaks to sip this cheap beer that's sitting next to me, making dinner for her husband- her family.
I still laugh uncontrollably after a few drinks. I still crave passion and love. I still dance around my house, singing songs I've made up. I still call my friends late on a random Monday- just to hear about their life and laugh until I cry. I still write (bad) poetry in my head about my husband's freckles while he sleeps.
And I like it this way. Sex in the City? Nope. Just Married in the Suburbs.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Love It...The scene: Our bed in our bedroom. Lights out. The decision is being made... sleep... or otherwise...
The setup: I, as per always, have just told an incredibly long (I lack the ability to tell stories in a concise manner) story have realized that it is without humor or, moreso, point. There is a long silence as both husband and I realize this. I step in to save the moment and my story:
Me: ... And then I found blood in my stool.
J: GROSS. (rolls over).
I curl up behind him.
Me: What?! You used to laugh when I ended with "and then I found blood in my stool." You thought it was cute.
J: No, I felt awkward, so I laughed. I think YOU'RE cute. That's disgusting.
Me: hhhmmph. (We curl up and there is silence.)
Five minutes later...
Me: OTHER people think it's funny. They laugh a lot. TONS O LAUGHTER.
J: They feel awkward, too.
Me: For real?
J: For real.
Me: Oh. Check.
Who knew people thought that was gross?
Needless to say, we didn't have sex.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Mapquest and MeSo, as I prepare for my day, I'd just like to reflect on how much I love Mapquest.
Sure, we've been through a few tough times... I've been steered wrong a time or two, and, on more than one occasion, cursed the gods that invented said quest for said map. However, more often than not, I end up at my final destination with little or no trouble.
Gone are my days of asking directions from people. Gone are my days of asking "Which direction is North? Right or Left?" (but seriously people- you KNOW which way you want me to turn- stop trying to sound superior. Sheesh). Gone are the questions of how much time to allow on the road.
Aw Mapquest. What a guy. Or girl. Whatever- you get my point.
So here's to hoping my directions for the day are good ones. And here's to hoping my grad school interview rocks out and I wow them with my beauty and my wit. Mostly just my wit- I doubt they care much about my beauty.
Adios- more to follow- Keep those fingers crossed. :)
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Back to life... back to... reality??Hello all! Well, I am officially married, honeymooned, moved, and connected to the World Wide Web! WOO-HOO!
I get my pictures back from the wedding on Friday, but here are a few pics that one of my Bridesmaids took...
Josh and I at our rehearsal. AWFUL picture of me, but oh well...
Jody (my maid of honor) and I pre-party before the rehearsal dinner!
The girls and I at Nippers II the night before my wedding. We were missing Sarah! Damn that whole 21 to get in thing.
The happy couple... Please note my classy John Deer hat. What else could you wear to Nippers II. This was my husband and some of his groomsmen's first time at Nippers II... Let's face it, though. Nothing says "Happy Wedding" like some good ol karaoke! :)
The day of! Getting ready to put on the dress!
Mandi and I "back stage", where we did play Down By the Banks... and did repeatedly do the Cha-Cha dance to pass the time... "Let me hear you clap your hands..."
BFFs... Kirsten is so hot... lol
Ain't no wedding like a Ball State Wedding...
So there you go folks... I promise to post more pics as I get them scanned etc...
One fun story before I head back to my boxed house:
I put the ring on the wrong finger. Yep. I took his right hand and tried to force it on. J was saying "Fix it... fix it..." under his breath, but I was SURE that he was saying "Fit it... Fit it..." So I tried to force it on, when suddenly I heard the congregation saying "WRONG HAND!" I try to remove the ring, but it will not budge. Finally we give up and have to keep going. However, in the middle of my wedding, I did turn to the crowd laugh and say "I would be the one to do that" and then hit myself in the head. So from now until forever, his family and my family will mock me relentlessly.
stupid lefts and rights...