Thursday, August 31, 2006
Mean People SuckYep.
That pretty much covers it.
Yeah, so not that I get too far into it on my snoop bloggy blog, but sometimes I wonder how people get so high and mighty. Is it an attitude one acquires through years of practiced bullshit, or does it come and go, like the seasonal allergies, which are also helping my phenominal mood? What school does one learn this? Because apparently I missed that day and now am being subjected to every ass who stayed late and took extra notes.
Sometimes people just need to chill out. And by "people", I mean angry-for-no-good-reason clients.
Get offa me.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Sickville- Population: MeDoes anyone else ever have those days when they wish they had a job with little to no responsibility?
That’s pretty much where I am at today.
I fought with J yesterday and it plagued me into the night. I was restless and could not find a comfortable spot. I tossed and turned and finally the sickness came. I was sick all night and am still not up to par, despite my attempts with a extra large diet limeade from Sonic. I came into work this morning because I can’t afford a day of rest and Sex in the City right now. Too much work is piled in my office. Too many questions and meetings and everything. And now I am sitting here and wishing I had made a different choice and hit the sack, instead of the road.
And now I have a meeting to prepare for.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Gotta Get Out Of This Place...As I feel tears stinging my eyes, I put aside all of the work that I desperately need to be doing to update in my blog. Ridiculous tears, but I can't wish them away. So I sit in my office behind a closed door and gain control again.
For whatever reason I don't seem to "click" here. In this firm, in the town, in this day. I feel an insecurity that I have never experienced before. I have always had this inherent desire to be liked. At first, I didn't think I was actually DISliked. I suspected apathy. New kid on the block etc. Lately, however, I have began to feel otherwise. I hear hushed voices outside of my office. Secretaries gathered in the kitchen whispering gossip that I don't know about. Only lately have I began to wonder...
Is it me they're talking about?
In the bathroom a few moments ago I could detect hushed voices and only a work or two: "she". Not that I would be the only "she" around this place. But I seem to be the "she" who's not in the loop. I emerged to see a gaggle going into a paralegal's office. A paralegal that I feel confident in saying does not like me. The door was shut behind them and I was left alone in the hallway wondering.
The tears sprung up faster than I expected and, embarrassed, I rushed into my office, shutting the door and, in turn, the world out. I don't know why I care. Why I care that people don't flounce into my office to tell me the latest and greatest. Why I care that I seem to be the odd woman out. Everyone tells me to "give it time" and that friendships don't happen over night. Which I understand. I get that. But, at the same time, I feel like I am not included so often, it starts to feel personal. I am thankful for the few friends I do have here, and I'm glad that not everyone seems to have made so many judgements about me.
I know I'm different. My friends are different. My lifestyle is different. Where I come from is different. But I'm willing to accept and to experience new things... why do I feel so written off?
I get the distinct feeling that J and I are viewed as "priviledged." Places we go, things we like, where we come from all add into this image. But I can't apologize for who I am, or who he is. And I think that if people took the time to get to know me, they may find out that I am not as black and white as they think.
What's hard is that there is nothing I can do, but try to continue to be nice and bide my time.
I am thankful for the friends have made here. They make my days more enjoyable. I just wish I wouldn't let the others influence my mood more.
On an up note, I called J and we're going to lunch. Even though I am exactly 10 lbs heavier this summer than last. Oops.
Going to Indy this weekend and the timing couldn't be better.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Love One AnotherLately, I have had a lot of conversations about religion and my recent change of heart and faith. I know everyone says that they are things that you should just not discuss… religion and politics. I find myself open to discussing both. I like debates. I like hearing other people’s points of view and why they feel the way they do. Each of us has a history that has brought us to where we are. Each one of us has a back story that has molded the person we have grown into. Rather than writing others off, I’d rather hear where they’re coming from- even when I don’t agree. I may never agree and I may never be able to understand why they believe what they may, but at least I can respect why they have taken their stance.
I realized yesterday how very open-minded I have remained, even in this religious epiphany I have experienced. I will always respect and find elements of truth in all religions. There is something we can take from each and every religion, denomination and belief. We are all made in the image of our Maker. And whether or not you believe in Jesus as the Son of God, or the Messiah, or a Prophet, or a fictional character the Bible made up… He spread the message to love one another. The Golden Rule and everything else. I would happily attend another Islamic service at a Mosque. I’ve told my husband I would support him if he ever chose to venture into Judaism. Eastern Religions resonate within my soul. I feel that I’m so open and it just so happens that I’ve found something within Catholicism that feel right.
So why do I feel that the same courtesy I extend to others is not necessary extended to me?
I look into the eyes of other people when I describe my views and I see emptiness there. A vague recollection that I am speaking and the words I speak are English, but it sits there at the front their eyes- unable, or unwilling, to sink in. Others seem different. It’s almost a smugness. That “She-thinks-she-knows-the-truth-but-really-she’s-wrong” look, when I discuss my views. That very attitude that turns so many away from religion and from Christianity most specifically.
Now, without making my blog a place to fight to death over Jesus and the Way to Heaven etc…
I want to ask people who give me that look this… What makes you so sure that Christians are the only ones who have it “right?” What makes your DENOMINATION of Christianity the “way” to God? It’s a little presumptuous to assume that only you and your itty bitty sector of Christianity are making into those pearly gates. That hell is full of the gays and the Jews and the Muslims and Ghandi and Muhammad.
My point is, none of knows what will happen when we die. We take our beliefs on faith, which is why it’s so hard to believe at times anyway. We hope we’re on the right path and we try to lead a good life. But, if you believe in heaven and hell and God, only God will decide who goes to heaven and who to hell, and maybe even a few to Purgatory. I think it’s wonderful to have a strong faith and a strong connection to God. I think it’s great to find a religion that moves your soul. But I don’t understand the need and desire to discount others, who have found the same thing as you, maybe just in a different place. It’s like that inherent need to cut other people down. To judge when none of us can judge. There’s not one person who has not effed up completely on multiple occasions. And all of us have been lost from time to time. The point is, when we finally are “found” it may be in a different way than another person. But that’s okay. Because the most important thing is that we found peace in ourselves and with whatever we believe.
And that’s what I think about that.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Ramble on....So, here I am all moved into my new office… mostly. I forgot pictures again, which I need to make it truly feel like home. The large painting I stare directly at all day is ugly. It’s a barn. Blech. I was told I could change it out if I want to… but it’s not like I have a lot of large painting lying around! I was thinking about going out and buying something. We’ll see…
The changes in our firm seem to be calming down. We will see. My secretary moved to her desk, just outside of my office yesterday. She’s been with the firm for about 6 months and I am thankful I have someone who knows what she’s doing, as I tend to be completely confused most of the time!
Part of my wonders what I am like to work for… I think it probably depends on the day, just like anyone. When I am busy and stressed I tend to withdraw from everyone, focused completely on my work and getting to the finish line. I realized yesterday that sometimes I get short with people when I am in “the mode”. I blew off someone who came to me with a question about one of my cases, because it didn’t fit my schedule of what I needed to get done. Afterward I went out to her desk and talked to her about the case. I actually learned some things I could do to make other people’s lives easier. Had I stopped being so selfish in the first place, then perhaps I may have learned this lesson earlier. Always something to think about. I need to open my eyes and ears more often and worry less about myself.
The point in, I hope I am okay to work for and with.
Today is a Holy Day of Obligation. I have mass at 6:30 and RCIA directly following that. I am excited. I enjoy my classes and the people I am meeting through St. Jude. This past Sunday I actually ran into people I know. And who knew me! I was greeting on my way into the church by name. It was a nice feeling.
Well. This post is sort of rambling and worthless. But oh well! Hope you all are having a good day!
Friday, August 11, 2006
Musical TearsSo my sister-in-law left a CD in my car and I was listening to it this morning.
It never ceases to amaze me how certain songs just put me in the mood.
Not that kind of mood. Sheesh. But music influences and extracts different emotions. I listen to different tunes depending on what I am preparing to do...
If I'm going out, it's all hip hop and rap and trendy ridiculous pop music that has no meaning, but sticks in your head like glue. And then you find yourself walking around singing things like "I'm bossy...That's right i brought all the boys to the yard, and that's right, i'm the one that's tattooed on his arm..."
Anyways. You get my point. Music that has a beat gets me pumped and ready to shake, shake, shake that ass girls... sorry. back to the subject.
Other times, I feel completely mellow. I listen to Dave and Lily Duncan and chill out. This is usually the way I am in the morning. Driving to work with the windows just a little cracked, softly singing along with some acoustic guitar. It gets me in a calm place, ready to take work on and hoping to be chill for the day.
This morning I was listening to "For You I Will" by Teddy Geiger. It brough me back to days of crushes and new love and all of the wonder and excitement that come with it. It made me think of every boy who said he loved me, and made me think even more about the one boy that mattered when he said it: J.
I fought with my hubby last night. I cried so hard that I had to put ice bags on my eyes this morning to keep me from looking so frog-like. It was like all of my stress over my new job came pouring out, gushing from me so fast I could barely breath. I wanted to go lay on the couch. Let it pour out onto old pillows and old blankets, rather than on my husband's arm. Once it began, it was uncontrollable, and very apparent that this emotional outburst was far from about "us." And in true J fashion, when he had every right to tell me to stop taking it out on him and direct my frustrations accordingly, he held me, let me cry and refused to allow me to confide into the pillows of our couch, rather than to him.
Which makes me feel all the worse for taking anything out on him to begin with.
Why do we feel it's easiest to hurt those we love the most? Is it the confidence that we know they will always be there? That they love us enough to take it? That they just happen to be there all the time and therefore are just more likely to hear about it?
We don't go off on our bosses for fear of losing our job. We keep quiet around our co-workers rather than express our annoyance to keep the office peace. Mums the word when someone cuts in front of us at the grocery, as we don't want to cause a scene. But inside our homes, behind closed doors we allow ourselves to rage on the people we love.
Shouldn't they receive more respect and consideration than that which we so commonl bestow on others? I think so. I know so.
I just need to remember that.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Home Sweet HomeIt's one of those days when I'd rather be in bed. Turn on my fireplace (how ridiculous is that we never build fires anymore?), listen to the tea kettle grumble and soak in some Amazing Book. I want to wrap up in my husband's old blanket- the one that's seen more of the world that I have in my mere 25-going-on-26 years. It's got holes all over and it smells like my dog, but it feels like Home.
I miss home. I am only now beginning to truly appreciate how wonderful it is to be close to family. J is my world and my home, but there's something about dropping in on my relatives that just feels right. I can recognize that part of this is due to the fact that J is working every weekend this month. I work all week and then weekend comes and he's gone for his 12 hour days. More like 13. I know I shoudln't complain, but I can't help but wish we were in Indy. The families are close, the friends are closer and the job I loved is open. I know it seems confusing, as we were considering a move to Washington state. But with the military it all feels different... we had built in friends. Built in bonds. Built in common interests. I even find myself missing North Carolina. I miss my Beth. I miss double dates with her and Michael and baby Emma, whom we haven't seen in months. And even though we were far from "home" there, it just felt... more right. Somehow.
And living here just feels off. Like something isn't fitting. Like, I don't fit. I can't put my finger on why I feel this way, I just know I do. It's nothing to do with my marriage and nothing to do with J. I'm happy as a clam to be with him. I hate that I just used the phrase "happy as a clam," but whatever- I am. I love to be with him and spend out time together. But I feel like I'm inhabiting someone else's space. Living in someone else's city- because I know it's not mine. We're living in someone else house in a neighborhood where we're the round pegs trying to mesh into the square holes.
I keep hoping for a change- a change in me, like the change I'm waiting to see on the faces of the leaves. Maybe as the air grows crisp, I'll find my niche.
But for now, I could use a lazy day with my husband and my dog.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Is this bad?That I sort of love Chris Brown.
and he's... 16?
I'm a sick, sick woman...
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Maybe this and Maybe that.Only recently have I realized how very much I have changed, and, moreover, am trying to change. We all try to make big changes, but for me, it’s been some of the little ones that have impacted me the most. For instance, the urge to join in gossip is strong. I feel compelled to throw my 5 cents in (I always have more than 2). I want to be a part of the group. Be accepted. A “cool” kid. I hate the feeling of loneliness, and although I am blessed to be married to my best friend, sometimes I just need my girlfriends. I hear group chatter and, at times, entertain the thought of joining in. But despite these urges, I am trying to be a better person. Not that I was all that bad to begin with, but a generally better all-around person. Putting someone else down no longer makes me feel better. It’s embarrassing to admit that it ever did. But a good base of insecurity mixed with peer pressure and I fell into the trap.
It’s amazing to me, however, that this attitude I had back in my teenage years can be carried into adulthood by others. I hear them talk and I feel like I am back in the cafeteria, laughing too loudly to make myself feel okay. I listen to their comments… I wonder if the Golden Rule ever even enters their brains. We all have things that could be picked on.
We are not perfect.
We all have our tender spots, as soft and pink as the underside of a pup. Try as we might to hide them from the outside world, they exist and reveal themselves daily.
Why do people feel compelled to exploit these blemishes?
This question has been on my mind a lot lately.
Maybe since I’ve made the decision not to participate anymore in this chipping away at others, I’ve grown super-sensitive to others actions.
Maybe I’m just missing my girlfriends, who support, rather than tear down.
Maybe I’m just moody and maybe I’m pregnant.
My world is full of such maybes. But maybe I’m glad to be on this side of it.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Stress, Baby, Stress...I am not sure if I ought to write about this. Or if my blog is the right place to do so.
Pedictably: I post.
The last 5 morning have been the same. Wake up. Throw up. Shower. Throw up. Don't eat breakfast because everything in my kitchen makes me want to... you guessed it! Throw. Up. Finally by the afternoon, my stomach is re-settled and ready for action. I'm having heartburn.
I've never had heartburn.
Today my stomach was cramping. Reasons are unknown.
Part of me wonders if the stress over my new position is causing my body to revolt. The confusion of my job, the demands of my clients, my lack of a secretary (which is taken care of starting next week- thank goodness), and the general confusion that comes along with a new firm and new people. Husband J seems to think this is the issue.
I hope so.
Another part of me wonders...
J and I would like to wait to have a baby. Not that we don't both love children. We do. I love them desperately. But waiting until he finishes his MBA or at least just giving us a few years together would be ideal.
But I still wonder...