Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I = Blog ThiefWhile reading Steph's blog I came across her latest entry and decided to steal it. Although I do believe she actually stole it as well, so I don't feel so bad about my un-originality.
Top Five Heartaches (in no particular order)
The Popular Kid... We sat across from each other in our pod of four desks. You were so funny and cute and all of the girls liked you. I was obvious about my feelings from the beginning. One day you called me after school. I locked myself in my room to talk to you on the phone and you confessed you liked me back. You told me you had a girlfriend, but planned to end things. You told me not to tell anyone that we were going to "go out" after you dumped Sarah. We hung up and I couldn't hold it in. I told my best friend, who told someone else, and the next day at school everyone knew. You were furious and told me the deal was off right then and there. Luckily it was near the end of the year and we ended up in different 5th grade classes the following year.
High School Guy...We were barely 15 years old and way too serious for our own good. I remember meeting you at the theatre while ushering and making fun of Shelly. You played football and had a contageous laugh and I felt the crush hit me like a ton of bricks. School ended and summer began and while looking through Nikki's pictures I saw your face. She introduced us and there we began. We were so dramatic- full of break ups and get back togethers and cheating on other people with each other. Every breakup tore me up- I cried for hours- even when I knew the next day we'd make up. Eventually we broke up for good- or rather I went to Ball State and you were at IU. You fell in love with someone new and I did follow suit. But, there was always that something. The last time I kissed you I was moving away to live in Washington DC. I was with Never Right For Me Guy. You followed me to a parking lot and we stood there not knowing what would happen. I stopped it. I didn't want to do that to him. I didn't want to get caught up again in "us". To this day you are my friend- the only real "ex" I still talk to. But somehow there's an awkwardness there. An intimacy that sits ignored, shoved in the corner to the back of my mind and yours. But I'm always glad to know you're still there and still a part of my life.
HOCKEY HOOKUP GUY: When Matty moved to Carmel, I'd hear stories of his best friend from home. We started talking after you visited Matt for a short weekend. We emailed every day and chatted all of the time. I broke up with High School Guy (for the 3rd time, I think) and you were there to soften that blow. When you came to visit for Labor Day, I knew where we were headed. He wanted to get back together, but I wanted to hold off until you came to town (yes- I was a bitch at times). You drove up to the party and I tried my best to act "cool", but the second you hugged me, I was done for. The weekend was full of long talks, drunken parties (where I didn't drink), awesome memories, and a whole lotta kissing. I asked you to come back for Homecoming and we decided long distance could work. We were wrong. More specifically, I was wrong. You went back to St. Louis and I don't think we talked again. I called and emailed, but notta. I found out later you'd started dating Matt ex girlfriend right after you got back. Apparently long distance was not in your plans. I was always thankful that all we did was kiss. But, man. What a kisser! Even though the ending sucked, I actually only have fond memories of that weekend. We caught up years later when you wanted to come to Ball State to visit Matt and myself. You apologized and tried to hook up again. Oddly, I declined your offer.
THE GREAT GUY (but timing sucks): You only sang for me and every time I hear Chess (Anthem to be specific) I think about you. You were and are one of the most incredible men I have ever known. Our timing sucked- I had just met Never Right For Me Guy and you had a "situation." What started off as dating quickly turned to friendship, I think just to lessed our life complications. You moved me in my sophomore year of college and we bought fish together. My grandma still asks about you. I used to get so excited by your emails, even though we were "just friends." Part of me sort of always thought "someday..." You got married last year to a great girl (from what you say) and I couldn't be happier for you. We ended up in a better place than we would have together. We each found our partner and got to keep a great friend in the process. We don't talk often and we email only once in a great while, but just knowing you're happy makes me smile.
Never Right For Me Guy... I don't write about you normally. Not because it hurts, but more because I somehow think you'll know and get madder at me than you already are. When we met I thought you were a different person than maybe you really are. You seemed perfect for me. I don't think I really knew you until a year into us, and by then I was too involved and had decided you were "The One." I was determined to make it work. We had some great times together, but eventually the bad outweighed the good. I always felt distanced by you- kept at arms length. You wouldn't even tell me you loved me. The silence that followed when I would say it broke my heart every time. And yet, I stayed. You never told me you loved me until the night you broke up with me after being together for over 2 years. You stayed the night and then began the new phase of us... are they together or not? That lasted for your first year of law school, where you confessed you didn't find anything better there, so you wanted me back. When I write it now it sounds as shitty as it was. But I decided you meant it in the most romantic way possible. Our getting back together was our biggest mistake. I should have made you leave the night you broke up with me, let you leave me lying on the floor of my college home crying and feeling hollow. That was my mistake. I was pathetically dependent on you. During our year of psuedo-dating, I began to distance myself from you. I built up walls you never could have broke through. I hardened my heart because I knew you'd try to break it again. I didn't love you the way I thought I had. When you asked me to move to D.C. I knew it could be a mistake. But, I wondered if part of our problems were that we had never lived in the same city. So I moved. I almost used the round trip ticket to go home 2 days after I arrived. I don't know where along the line I fell out of love with you. I hated our fighting, I hated being abused emotionally, I hated the pressures that were put on me. I hated feeling like a dissapointment to you and I hated that you were embarrassed of me. I hated that you TOLD me you were embarrassed by me. I should have left as soon as I got there. I handled the break up in the most crappy way ever. I just didn't know how to end it. I knew you'd sucker me back in, like you'd done all of the other times I'd tried to leave. You'd say all of the right lines and things would be different... until they weren't anymore. Then it was back to square one. The night we went to dinner and you told me you didn't see a future with us, was the night I was done. I should have say so then, stood up and walked out of the restaraunt, leaving you with the bill and your words. Instead, I sat there, wondering why I wasted my time on someone who proved time after time that he did not love me. I went home that next weekend and saw your friend that I had been talking with for months- the one I had a crush on- the one I call "J." It was a crappy thing to do, but my heart had been gone long before I finally left. I wish we had closure and that our friends could talk about me around you. I wish that I had not come out looking like the bad guy, but I understand why I do. I wish I had handled it differently, but I don't regret anything really. The path I walked led me to my life now- and you to yours. I have found more happiness than we ever would have shared and I hope you have too.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
LifeI have been busy studying for my LSAT, busy working, playing paintball with my hubs (OMG- I love it!) and just trying to get to the holidays- my favorite time of year!
Hope everyone is well!
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
HollowNothing has the ability to stop my heart quite like the voicemail I received Sunday.
I had been at church and then driven to meet the hubs for a quick lunch and then back home to relax. I don't know when I missed the call- just that I had missed it. As I picked up the phone to see who had called, I saw my friend Katie's name. I smiled and shut the phone, continuing to clean up my house. I didn't even listen to the voicemail. I had received a late night "drunk dial" as did my grandmother (Delete old numbers people!) and I assumed it was a "sorry we drunk dialed your grandma- call me" voicemail. After sufficiently cleaning up my kitchen, I listened to the message.
"Kellie, I need you to call me as soon as you get this. I have sad news. Call me."
Bad news? No. Sad news. There is a difference. Bad news is that our favorite college karaoke bar has shut down. Or that the dry cleaners ruined my clothes. Or that the restaurant is out of crab cakes. That's bad news.
Sad news... a whole different ball game.
I called her back immediately, only to be greeted by voicemail. Damn! She must be on the other line... I waited as patiently as I could before calling back exactly 3 minutes later. After a few rings she picked up and delivered the truly sad news.
Our friend Nick had died on Saturday. 28 years old. Originally they thought it was a heart attack, but last I heard he had an aneurysm.
Nick and I were not best friends. I had not even spoken to him since his graduation from college. But I still have the memories: I had the pleasure of being in multiple shows with him, traveling to NYC together and performing there. Living in the West Side YMCA with the rest of the cast and exploring the city. Black sweatpants, a t-shirt and a flannel. Orpheus in the Underworld and him on his damn scooter. Home made murder mystery movies.
He was this incredible talent, wrapped into this lanky man with a mop of dark hair and huge eyes. He was almost always smiling.
Despite all of the interaction, there will always be a part of me that never knew Nick. I never really knew what hid behind his eyes and his smile. In a way, he felt shy- reserved. I sensed that he was always thinking and that turned off when he got the perform. He was a natural. A talent. The definition of triple threat.
Life has been such a roller coaster lately. My grandfather is having his 3rd go round with cancer and is having surgery this week. I drank at the wedding a few weeks ago. I feel a little empty inside as it is, and now I feel reminded all over again how short life is.
This probably should be a reminder of Carpe Diem and all of that.
But today it's raining outside, and that feels more right than anything.