Tuesday, July 03, 2007

If I lay here... if I just lay here...

I'm listening to "Chasing Cars" on repeat.

J is going back to Iraq. I hadn't blogged about it, because, well, a) I haven't been a dependable blogger and b)... you know that thing, if you don't talk about it- it doesn't exist?

Eh, it works for some people. Not me so much.

Remember in Sex in the City? When Big comes back for a "heart thing" and everytime Carrie hears or talks about it she begins to sob? I felt like that on Sunday. I sat in mass and, in between prayers for the parish and world poverty, they threw in a "For our military stationed overseas in war. For their families. We pray to the Lord." I couldn't get out the "Lord hear our prayer."

The lump in my throat grew. It grows as I type this now. I swallowed hard, trying to get the pain in my throat down to the pit of my stomach. I blinked my eyes fast, hoping to somehow flush out my over the top emotions.

We had dinner with my amazing friends on Saturday. Of course it came up. I smiled in my eggplant parm and wished I had something stronger than my diet coke. Or my Shirley Temple. The thoughts of so much air, land and sea between us, once again, makes my head hurt.

And yet, both J and I know it will be easier this time. Each of us is a different person than we were the first time- and we are different as an "us." We're all grown up, as they say. I have nothing but faith in us and in him, but I still wish that I got to keep my husband home, safe, with me, like so many do.

Sigh.

At least it's not for about a year.

Give or take.

grrr.

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posted by Kellie @ 1:14 PM |

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