Thursday, July 26, 2007

Something

As I drive past my soon-to-be home away from home, as it were, I feel a pang of something. This "something" is a new emotion, which I tend to experience on a daily basis. I can only assume it will continue to build within me, until I feel it every second and every minute of every day. It's something between exhilaration and terror. Somewhere in between, sometimes both, never one without the other.

I wonder if I will step foot into a classroom and it will all turn out to be a huge mistake. The joke is on me. I have heard others say that they spent their first year of law school absolutely certain that they are somehow less intelligent than everyone else around them. This feeling exists today within me. I worry that I may turn out to be less academic than I have proved in the past. I worry that my undergrad degree did not in any way prepare me for what I am about to enter. I wonder if anyone's degree really does?

I worry I will fall victim to the draw of the money and sell my soul for long hours and big paychecks, helping little, other than myself. I reread "To Kill A Mockingbird" to remind myself of why I am going to law school. I read books to "prepare" me for being a 1L. I know they will not help. I read another one anyway.

I am excited. Filled with the adrenaline that is potential. Pleased that I know what I want to do, after never really being certain before. I feel pangs of uncertainty- do I have what it takes? I know I have the will to try, and I hope that will be enough.

I hear stories of marriages dissolving while law school becomes number one and the spouse somewhere else on the list. I wonder what it will be like, to be devoted to something other than my house, my dog and my husband. I feel a guilty excitement that I will have that something, as I find housework tedious and annoying. I, however, treasure my time with the latter two, and worry how my happiness will survive in the same way without it. I pray that my husband can tolerate the stressed out, cranky, don't-talk-to-me-I'm-busy me, that I know I may become. I hope I will not become too exhausting to deal with. I know I may at times. I'm certain of it. I also know he loves me enough to plough through it. I just don't want to take that for granted.

I hope to manage my competitive nature and not give into it.

I worry about fitting in. I feel a self-consciousness overtake me even now when I walk through my law school to take care of mundane business. I hate that I feel that I have to "hide" my personality with people until I feel comfortable. I have always harbored an intense jealousy for those who can completely be open and honest about who they are- craziness and all- for I always feel a bit like a church mouse until I somehow open up. I'm not sure how long this process takes, or what makes me feel comfortable morphing into the crazy, talkative, say anything Kellie that I truly am, but it takes time. More time than I would like to admit, in some cases. I also understand that I am... quirky. I think that is a good word for me. I'm outrageous at times, wild and spunky- up for anything. Another day I am content to sit in a friend's home, drinking spiced cider and talking about anything/everything/everyone. Most people who know me, save my college friends because we are so much alike it shocks people, would say I am crazy and funny. I suspect they also think me a bit weird. Different. Odd.

I am both pleased and embarrassed by these ideas of me. But it is what it is and I don't know how to change it.

I hope people find me more quirky than weird. I hate being the weird girl.

More than anything, I hope to be successful. To take classes that inspire me to change the world in which we life. I want to find my niche in our legal system and in my life.

All of this is the "Something" I'm feeling. Amazing for one person to be filled with so much, huh?

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posted by Kellie @ 4:58 PM |

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