Wednesday, August 29, 2007

"You're scared shitless? Welcome to law school."

I feel exhausted.

I am surviving right now on Hydroxycut, (yes I know that’s awful) and Coke Zero, which is technically illegal contraband here in the law library, so I have to drink it from a sippy cup. I am sure many people think I’m a coffee addict. I think it would make me seem more mature and interesting if I were, but nope, not me. Coke Zero baby. Yesterday I had V8 Juice.

I am such a loser. ha.

I’m done with early start, done with orientation and I have my first law school credit under my belt. I am taking a *gasp* break to write this post. I barely talk to my family or even my friends for that matter. My husband is playing the role of Mr. Mom to Eddie and even cleans for me. I’m lucky.

I feel compelled to be here. I feel absurdly guilty for the seconds, (okay hour when Big Brother is on) I spend NOT thinking about the law. I am holed up right now on the third floor of the library (the first is too noisy and my legs hate the forth). I am in the very back, behind the books by a window with the blinds closed. My eyes are so dry that when I blink my eyelids actually stick to my contacts. I have my sandals off and hope my feet don’t smell. They do. They always do.

I know that’s gross, sorry.

I could fall asleep right now, shut my computer and rest my red hair against its redder top (foolish choice for classes- it’s like a freaking red bulls eye). I actually found myself sitting with an acquaintance (not sure I can call him a “friend” yet) at a table today, both of us laying our heads down facing each other and not saying anything of value or, even moreover, sense. It was more of a mutual reaction to being completely drained, I didn't have anything to even talk about. I recall he was in my dream last night, but I don’t tell him this, that might be weird. It wasn’t even that kind of dream. I think we were studying. Oh yeah, and I dream about studying. I woke up this morning with the name Chief Justice Roberts floating in my head. What the hell? Where are the freaking “visions of sugar plums?” I’m guessing that went by the wayside, replaced by “adverse possession” and “quitclaim deeds.”

Most of my interactions with my classmates has been good. A few girls who rubbed me the wrong way, but whatever. Met some pretty great people- people I’m actually content to sit in a room in silence, only breaking it to express our frustration/exhaustion/confusion. This may seem completely lame, but it's actually pretty nice. I’ve laughed a lot, not many tears, although I had a bit of a meltdown once. The pressure to succeed is great. There’s a giant pink elephant in the room with us: Competition. We’re competing with each other, but no one really wants to be “that girl/guy.” I find myself trying to saddle my urge to raise my hand and shake it wildly in the air when I actually know what the professor is talking about. I am SO glad I didn’t when someone else speaks up and I realize they’ve thought of issues, which never even entered my mind. Or when the professor mentions a point that seems so obvious, but is nowhere to be found on my brief. I am fairly positive that many of the people surrounding me are naturally much smarter than I am. I am told that everyone feels this way. I certainly hope so. What's crazy is, despite all of this pressure and lack of sleep and confusion- I'm enjoying myself. Even now, when I want to lay down and sleep until this time tomorrow, I like the challenge.

I hope my optimism continues. I hope my new friendships continue to inspire this optimism.

I have a hunch that they will- on both counts.

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posted by Kellie @ 4:02 PM | 4 spread the gossip

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time

Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah

Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

-Kelly Clarkson

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posted by Kellie @ 6:03 AM | 1 spread the gossip

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I just thew up in my mouth a little bit...

My stomach has been churning all night.

I'm not sure if it's:
A) an actual illness (as I have been known to get sick every now and then)
B) gas pains (hey, you read my blog- do I ever hold back?)
or
C) I start school next week and am scared crapless.

I keep asking myself- do you have everything you need? I've read every "how to succeed" and memoir about law school I can get my shaking hands on, and still, I worry...

Eeksville. That's where I am. Party of one.

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posted by Kellie @ 8:40 AM | 1 spread the gossip