Monday, October 13, 2008

Hunger Pains.

"No food tastes as good as being thin feels."

Ah, my old motto. I heard it today pass from the lips of a nameless stranger in a store. It escaped this womans collagened lips and passed through the air, finally settling in the pit of my aching stomach. As I turned the words over in my head I realized at some point that this could never have been my motto... because it's never been true for me.

I adore food. I love to eat. And I have never felt thin. No matter how slim my body may ever appear, I don't think I will ever feel thin. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I will always feel fat. I don't know how to fix that. And I don't know that any amount of therapy, food, starvation, binging or purging can ever change the way my mind works.

I know that you, my dear reader, may tire of me constantly discussing such boring and trivial subjects as food and my body image. However, what's even more tiresome is that these are the thoughts that invade my mind at any given moment of the day. Food- or lack thereof- controls my life. My universe revolves around it.

I now invite you to share a day in the brain of Kellie:

Wake up. What will I eat for breakfast? I think about this as I shower. I've started to do my morning sit ups again and all the while, I think about food. Staring at my stomach I vow it will be egg whites and whole wheat toast. Maybe an apple. No- scratch that- apple=carbs=my fat stomach. Protein please. It's been decided. I shower.

Post shower I lather my body with every ridiculous beauty product and then I examine. I look fat in nothing. I've discovered this as of late. I would like a tummy tuck. This has been decided as well. I hate my dry skin in the summer. I hate the red blotches that appear in random places in my skin. I hate growing my hair out. I like my smile, but hate the newest crows feet which have stomped beside my eyes... And so it continues.

After I dress I eat breakfast. Breakfast at this point depends on what I am having for lunch. If it will be carby- no carby for breakfast. Never sugar. I love/hate sugar.

Go to school.

Insert hours of thinking about when I can eat. And if I should eat what I brought (90% I bring my lunch- I can't handle the temptation of going out to eat) or... go out to eat. I always choose to eat what I brought- turkey sandwich or Lean Cuisine, or I grab a turkey sandwish on whole wheat from the deli... If I forgot/didn't have time to bring my lunch, I then resort to the trusty internet. On the internet I can look up the nutritional value of every fast food item. This is why I used to order taco supremes at taco bell- no meat- no sour cream. Yes, folks I used to eat a crunchy taco shell (less calories than the soft) filled with lettuce, cheese and tomatos.

Are you kidding me?

Dinner is the hardest meal. It's home cooked under my husband's watchful eye. I eat what I make and I think about what it's going to be all day until I get there- vowing to eat only a spoonful of the things that I shouldn't be eating- mashed potatos, stuffing, etc. I'm a sucker for dinner. I tend to overeat and then hate myself for it.

The rest of the night is spent trying not to snack. I love snacking while I watch whatever reality television show is on the idiot box. After this battle is over (I generally lose) I go to bed.

And then start all over again.

That. is. pathetic.

This is my life. Post-ED and all "recovered."

This is so not normal.


posted by Kellie @ 2:15 PM |


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