Since You've Been Gone

I was thinking about you today.

Not sure what brought it on, maybe the fact that it snowed or that I am thinking about Christmas. Who knows. But either way, I thought about you.

I thought about our first date. I thought about the first time you introduced me to one of your parent’s friend’s we ran into at a movie. You called me your “date” and for some reason it made me feel so adult. I remember our first kiss, the night you roped me into coaching the fraternity’s part in the college talent show, the night you locked me out and I was riding a bike through the halls of the fraternity. I remember the first night I knew you liked me, I remember you calling me repeatedly, I remember watching intramurals and cheering for you, I remember dinners at Chilis…

I remember coming home that afternoon, not knowing why there were so many messages on my white board outside of my dorm room. I remember wondering why my answering machine was full of messages.

I remember knowing you were dead before my best friend could tell me the truth.

I remember that devastation. Sinking to my knees, gasping for breath. Wondering how I had known the truth before it even came out. I remember the last time we saw each other and remember feeling probably as low as I have ever felt after you died. I remember how Amazing Grace made me sob that night- I remember the way your mom looked at your funeral- I remember the way your brother cried at your memorial.

I remember not understanding- I still don’t. I remember the anger- I’m still angry with you. I can never forgive the way you left us all here- the way you chose to leave us, without us knowing how much hurt you were going through.

As I type this post, even though it’s been almost 8 years, I remember you and my eyes get misty. You’ve forever affected me- even after all this time you’ve been gone.

Labels: the Ex files