Sunday, June 15, 2008
I love for people to read my blog. If I didn't I wouldn't put it all out there, let alone direct people to this link, via facebook, myspace, whatever. But here's the thing...
The thing is... well, there are several things. There are things I want to write about, but not sure I'm ready to share. For a lot of different reasons. The first of many is that there are certain parts of my life I like to keep separate. Again, for a lot of reasons. The least of which is that I don't want my personal life to affect my professional life as an attorney. I don't want to post something out there for my colleagues to read- to judge me- to make assumptions about the kind of person I am, or at least the kind of person they think I might be. Because I'm not so one dimensional that a single issue defines who I am.
I worry about judgment. I know I shouldn't and I get told that everyday. "Who cares what they think?" I do.(n't).
I don't know if I do.
I want to be honest. Put all of me out there for everyone to see and know. Be myself, but instead I find myself making excuses. Unnecessary. Ridiculous. Excuses. They sound fake in my head and even more unconvincing on my tongue. I spit them out like fire, hoping they'll stick to what they land on, burn into the brain of the people I'm with before they have time to consider the evidence.
I worry about myself. I worry that I'll let too loose. I worry I'll trust someone too much. Tell the wrong person the wrong thing and then bam. It's out there. I'll be left trying to gather it all in, like oil. The more I grab, the more it gets spread around and no matter how hard I try to clean it up, there's always a trace. A thin, slick layer of truth that can never be wiped clean
It can only last so long anyway. Real truth- the kind that seeps from your pores- it comes out and as much as you might want to hide it, it's there, whether you like it or not. The real question is- will I be ready when it escapes?