Monday, October 27, 2008
I'm YoursWell, you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but your so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm tryin to get back
before the cool done run out I'll be givin it my best test
and nothin's gonna stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait
Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our godforsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved
So, i won't hesitate no more,
no more, it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate
Scooch on over closer, dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror
and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
and so I drew a new face and I laughed
I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason
to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more,
no more it cannot wait
Well open up your mind and see like me
open up your plans and damn you're free
look into your heart and you will find that the sky is yours
so please don't, please don't, please don't,
there's no need to complicate,
Cause our time is short
This, this, this is our fate,
In love with this song.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Why do I do it?“Why do you do it, if you hate it so much?”
This was the question posed by J during my recent, not so unpredictable freak out over an organization I run.
“Because I CARE.” I say fiercefully and am reminded of how many times those exact words have been uttered to me…
Years ago… High School Rome(eo) asked me why I stayed in an after school activity (in an effort not to offend others, even though everyone I went to high school with knows exactly what I am talking about) when it continued to make me miserable.
“ Because I have to… I made a commitment. I have to. I can’t quit.” I would say, tears running down my face, sobbing into the wee hours. I cried into Rome(eo), letting him soothe me as only he could do, accepting my decision, as he always did…
Years later the Ex asked me why I didn’t change my major to something more substantial. I did. For a semester. For him, I changed it all- changed everything about me from my appearance (no curly hair) to my major- no more theatre (despite the major freaking scholarship that brought me to my school in the first place). I left the classroom, in the middle of class, sobbing in the first week of school. I called my family first, then the head of the department I had left. I told me to get in to see him NOW. I went in and cried. And cried. (it’s what I do). I cried for what seemed like an hour until finally Dr. Amazing asked me what I wanted. I said I didn’t know… I wanted what was best for us… not what was best for me. He pointed that out. He made me see that I needed to do what I wanted… and I did. And even though I knew I was a disappointment every day we were together, I was happy, knowing I had made the choice for me.
Every choice J has helped me make has been just that- a help. He offers advice and always lets me know that choice. Is. Mine. I think he knows I need to make it. Me. Not anyone else and, whatever I decide, can’t be a disappointment.
My whole life I have feared disappointing others more than anything else. I would/ will never do anything willingly that disappoint my family. I have always desperately tried to please my partner. Rome(eo) was everything I had dreamed of. He was my best friend, an athlete and the guy that all of the girls loved. I would have done whatever he wanted. I adored every moment we shared. He continues to be a friend to this day. He came to my wedding… we’re that kind of people.
I next tried desperately to avoid being a disappointment to the Ex. I was me. Outlandish and entertaining. I loved it. I was myself all of the time- laughing our way through the relationship… until it wasn’t okay anymore… Suddenly, I was a disappointment… I was embarrassing when I made outrageous comments, jokes… when the laughter turned to me, rather than him. I wanted to change… I wanted him. I was so caught up in love that I would have sacrificed whatever part of me I needed to. My family had already gone by the waste side- a fact that brings tears to my eyes to admit… I know it never would have worked. When you have a back ground like mine- a brother who will need me forever- I need someone who loves them as much as I do. Who is as passionate about loving them as I am… He wasn’t. Plus… I wasn’t me anymore.
So, after marrying a man who puts up with all my craziness (and believe me- there is a TON of it) I find myself asking again why do I do things that drive me crazy…
Because, there are things that people do… Because we care. Because we want to as a person. And even when they suck- when it blows to be the person caring SO much about others… it’s hard. It’s hard not to get bitter. It’s hard not to want to walk away, because, you can. But now… so many years later, people question why I am doing something… and I have an answer: Because I care. Because I have to. Because other people… people who don’t know me and don’t weigh on my emotions… need me and I need them back.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Happiness is...Very few of us have moment of true happiness. Pure, immense, complete happiness. The kind that makes us want to pause the movie of our life and rewind- replay- re-feel. Charlie Brown found happiness in two kinds of ice cream. Aristotle said happiness is the meaning and purpose of life. Helen Keller said happiness is found in pursuit if a worthy purpose.
My happiness is:
J. He is my most favorite person. The end.
My family. This includes J, my half of the family, my amazing in-laws and the pups. My family makes me happier than any other people I’ve ever known. They make me smile, they build me up and refuse to let me fall. They are the most amazing people I know- the ones I cling to for now and forever.
Friendships that never grow stale. The friends you can talk to, I mean really talk to about things that matter. The friends you can tell nothing and everything to, all in the same hour long-I don’t even want to get off the phone-conversations. The ones you want to go camping with, sitting around a campfire, telling stories and laughing until your belly hurts. Those friendships make me happy.
Cooking and eating good food. And moreover, enjoying it with any of the above listed people.
Making people laugh- I mean, really laugh- at something I’ve said or done. This is enhanced when I’m completely myself, not holding back, being the “me” that I am behind closed doors. Outrageous, emotional, outspoken, sometimes inappropriate, crazy me. It’s who I am. I’m happiest when I get to be that Me.
Fall- it just makes me smile. Sweatshirts and football and fires. All things that make me want to curl up with a good (Jody Picoult is my new fix- she, also, makes me happy) book, relax and smell cinnamon bun candles that I technically didn’t need, but had to buy because, hey! It’s fall!
Doing something good for someone and not telling anyone I’ve done it. It feels more selfless and more satisfying to give of yourself, your time or your money when you don’t get anything back from it- except for that feeling you give yourself.
Mass. It fills my spirit and rejuvenates me.
A million other things are my happiness, it would just take too long to write them.
But, all this being said, I agree with Charlie Brown- two kinds of ice cream. Pistachio and Peppermint are my favorites. What can I say? I’m not a vanilla girl. Never have been and never could be.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Common DenominatorSomeday you might want to evaluate why you are always surrounded by drama and why your friendships come and go as fast a revolving door.
Maybe it’s not everyone else all the time-
after all, the common denominator is you.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
This is the truth...Nothing changes. People don’t change- they stay the same, just don different clothes and recite the same old tired lines with a new person. People lie. The simple fact of the matter is, you can’t change who you are- the essence of you. You can mask it, hide it, play pretend, but in the end:
you is you.
I am the pumpkin king.
If I were a superstitious person, today I would have turned around and went back to bed.
I woke up and took the pups outside for their morning bathroom break only to discover both street lights on my street were out. Odd, I thought. Next, I got in my car to drive to school and as I passed under 2 different lights, they went out above me. I consider this to be a sign of bad luck. And what are the chances of that happening twice in one morning?
As I am walking up to school I spot something ahead of me, just to the left of the sidewalk. Small, furry, adorable and, that’s right, black. A black freaking cat. I see it and laugh a little because, of course, a black cat is going to cross in front of me, cross my path, if you will. As I approach the kitten doesn’t move and I think to myself ‘see? No bad luck… all in your head.’ Puss interrupted my thoughts by running like hell back to her supposed home, just to my right.
Got to school a full hour before the library opens to get my favorite study room. Taken. But of course, why wouldn’t it be? *sigh*
I’ll let you know if I have to pass under any ladders…
Monday, October 13, 2008
Hunger Pains."No food tastes as good as being thin feels."
Ah, my old motto. I heard it today pass from the lips of a nameless stranger in a store. It escaped this womans collagened lips and passed through the air, finally settling in the pit of my aching stomach. As I turned the words over in my head I realized at some point that this could never have been my motto... because it's never been true for me.
I adore food. I love to eat. And I have never felt thin. No matter how slim my body may ever appear, I don't think I will ever feel thin. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that I will always feel fat. I don't know how to fix that. And I don't know that any amount of therapy, food, starvation, binging or purging can ever change the way my mind works.
I know that you, my dear reader, may tire of me constantly discussing such boring and trivial subjects as food and my body image. However, what's even more tiresome is that these are the thoughts that invade my mind at any given moment of the day. Food- or lack thereof- controls my life. My universe revolves around it.
I now invite you to share a day in the brain of Kellie:
Wake up. What will I eat for breakfast? I think about this as I shower. I've started to do my morning sit ups again and all the while, I think about food. Staring at my stomach I vow it will be egg whites and whole wheat toast. Maybe an apple. No- scratch that- apple=carbs=my fat stomach. Protein please. It's been decided. I shower.
Post shower I lather my body with every ridiculous beauty product and then I examine. I look fat in nothing. I've discovered this as of late. I would like a tummy tuck. This has been decided as well. I hate my dry skin in the summer. I hate the red blotches that appear in random places in my skin. I hate growing my hair out. I like my smile, but hate the newest crows feet which have stomped beside my eyes... And so it continues.
After I dress I eat breakfast. Breakfast at this point depends on what I am having for lunch. If it will be carby- no carby for breakfast. Never sugar. I love/hate sugar.
Go to school.
Insert hours of thinking about when I can eat. And if I should eat what I brought (90% I bring my lunch- I can't handle the temptation of going out to eat) or... go out to eat. I always choose to eat what I brought- turkey sandwich or Lean Cuisine, or I grab a turkey sandwish on whole wheat from the deli... If I forgot/didn't have time to bring my lunch, I then resort to the trusty internet. On the internet I can look up the nutritional value of every fast food item. This is why I used to order taco supremes at taco bell- no meat- no sour cream. Yes, folks I used to eat a crunchy taco shell (less calories than the soft) filled with lettuce, cheese and tomatos.
Are you kidding me?
Dinner is the hardest meal. It's home cooked under my husband's watchful eye. I eat what I make and I think about what it's going to be all day until I get there- vowing to eat only a spoonful of the things that I shouldn't be eating- mashed potatos, stuffing, etc. I'm a sucker for dinner. I tend to overeat and then hate myself for it.
The rest of the night is spent trying not to snack. I love snacking while I watch whatever reality television show is on the idiot box. After this battle is over (I generally lose) I go to bed.
And then start all over again.
That. is. pathetic.
This is my life. Post-ED and all "recovered."
This is so not normal.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
2L life is... slow.
This year is passing at a snail’s pace. Last year was a blur of stress, confusion, motivation and a lot of determination. This year is harder. My motivation is lower, when it should be higher- I see the light at the end of the tunnel- I have a job with a firm I fell in love with. I want to work harder, but I miss those parts of myself I lost a little bit last year. I missed coming home to spend the evening with J and Eddie and Lizzy. They make me smile when all else feels lost. I missed writing and reading books that make me stay up until 4am just because I need to finish. I missed going “home” on weekends and dorking around with my friends and family. I missed spending Saturday with friends and college football Saturdays (WE ARE PENN STATE!!!!) and Colts Sundays (we’ll get it together…). I missed so much last year and this year, well, I don’t want to miss anything. This year I’m “missing” going out to the bars. I’ve “missed” drinking and losing half of my Saturday and Sunday because I feel like crap. I’ve “missed” stressing until I’m in tears, and waking up in the middle of the night because I still don’t know what was going on in Contracts. Friendships have changed, some have stayed the same, and some barely even exist anymore. And, in all honestly, I think I’m okay with it. I learned a long time ago that people come and go and the people who want to stay in my life and are the friendships worth fighting for. The others might not have truly existed in the first place.
So, this year I plan to work hard, but I’m not giving up my life. I refuse to give everything of myself and feel hollow, even when I see the “A”s when we get grades. It’s weird though- I’ve had a lot of fun and don’t they say “time flies…”????
Apparently law school didn’t get that memo.
Labels: Law School