Sunday, November 23, 2008
EddieI remember the first time I saw you- you tossed all of the other puppies aside just to get to us. We knew we had to have you that moment. The next few months were filled with you tearing up everything you could get your paws on- eating everything in sight, be it my shoes or your actual food. You were, and still are, terrified of baby gates. You sat in the car, us going back and forth to keep you company, when J left for Iraq. You slept next to me for years- my eternal electrical blanket. Your eyes were always sad, even when I know you’re happier than ever. You’re a kissing whore. You love fires and love the winter. You dig in the snow, break the ice, and burrow your way into a mountain of cold. You love basking in the sun. You are one of my most favorite “people” in the world.
And now I have to say goodbye to you.
I don’t know what life will be life without you there. I can’t think about it. I’m sorry I don’t know if I can be there, in the room, at the vet during your last moments. I love you so much, I can’t bear to see you go. It’s selfish. I can’t help it. I hope you know how much I love you- I always will. J will be there with you- to say goodbyes and kiss you after you’re gone.
I didn’t anticipate the overwhelming sadness I feel. It’s like losing a person- a best friend. You’ve been there for me for so long, even been there when J wasn’t. I take back every hateful word I yelled at you. I take back every time I got annoyed with your barking. I take it all back. I wish we’d done more. I wish I’d walked you every night. I wish I’d taken you to the park more. I wish I’d given you all the food you wanted- made you fat and content- instead of always worrying about your health. I wish you still slept next to me, protecting me from intruders in the night.
As I sit here, tears streaming down my face as I write this, I watch you lay beside the fire. You’re happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
I love you. Always.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Heels over HeadI’m such a lyrics whore. Driving to work today, listening to Boys Like Girls and suddenly I’m taking the long way, because I’m writing this blog in my head and I’m thinking about someone I knew in what seems like a lifetime ago…
“Yeah I'm the first to fall and the last to know
Where'd you go?”
I don’t know why I cared so much about you… I think I was addicted to the way you made me feel- addicted to laughing until my stomach hurt, addicted to the attention- addicted to the drama. You pulled me in until I got too close and then I, suddenly, this “thing” we’d been building was destroyed just like that. I was standing in the ashes of what I had thought was something great and you had moved on. Everything happened so fast and I didn’t know what I had done. You didn’t tell me- you said I didn’t do anything. I spent months trying to figure it out- figure out what was so wrong with me that would have made you change your mind so quickly.
“Where’d you go?”
You emailed me a few days ago, which was random since we haven’t talked since the wedding where we made small talk and felt awkward. I got over my hurt feelings and my anger a long time ago, but it still stings when I think back to how I felt that year. I hate that it turned into such a fiasco. I hate that I let it all go with you, put the blame on other people and maintained our “friendship” because I didn’t want things to be “weird” for you. I hate that I didn’t think about how awful that choice made things for me.
“Now I'm heels over head
I'm hangin' upside down
Thinking how you left me for dead
My whole life I’ve generally jumped into my relationships and gave 100% from the beginning. I fall and I fall hard. Which is probably why I always end up with the bruises. It’s fairly easy to get in and out of relationships when you don’t care- I’ve done that, too. But overwhelmingly I care too much. Too much, too soon, I’m always “too” something… I spend my life being just a little over the top. I cry too easily, talk too loud, share too much, forget too easily, forgive too much- too too too- this list could continue forever. I’ve always found it hard to be selfish in a relationship, sometimes forgetting that I need to please ME and not just the other person. I just always want other people to be happy- that goes for all of my relationships- my family, my friends, J- pretty much everyone in my life. I’ve only just realized in the past few years that when you give all of yourself, without regard to what your needs may be, you end up emotionally empty.
Gotta love music… :)